¿What’s Bueno? Egg Pillows!

$9.14 for a set of four on Amazon, but one for 99¢ only at the 99¢ Only store!

And why buy more than you need?

Sleep tight, little ovum.

Posted by Ted on April 26, 2014, 2:23 AM.

That Rumbling You’re Hearing Is Walt Disney and Jim Henson Both Rolling Over In Their Graves Simultaneously

Now available at – guess! – you got it, Walmart!

T-shirts!

Featuring some of your favorite characters as you’ve never seen them before!

How many times have we seen this at the gym, fellas? You get obsessed with all that upper-body work but you forget about the legs. You gotta work out those quads and hamstrings, too, son. Not just the glamour muscles!

Hoo boy. First, those killjoy nannies at Children’s Television Workshop started showing Cookie Monster enjoying healthy foods and having him tell anyone who asked that “cookies are a sometimes food.”  Now this.

And that cookie barbell, while undoubtedly delicious, will only confuse kids more.

Then there’s this one, which is even more disturbing:

According to the PBS website, “Elmo is a 3 ½-year-old red monster with a high-pitched voice and a contagious giggle.” Hmm…looks like someone’s been stacking and cycling a few too many anabolic gummy multivitamins. Now Elmo’s got a high-pitched voice and a hair-trigger temper. And probably a lot of bacne under all that fur.

Maybe it’s time someone call Monster Protective Services.

Posted by Ted on April 25, 2014, 8:35 AM.

What’s Penguin For “Mom! I’m Home! Can I Have Something To Eat?”

The 99¢ Only store has the after-school snacks kids love!

Great for dolphins, too!

Posted by Ted on April 21, 2014, 2:57 PM.

This Just In!

This guy took a selfie!

In other news, there was a mass-stabbing at a Pennsylvania school, and this guy was stabbed or something, but forget all that!  Borrrrrrrrring, right?

Headline story on Google News?

Yes – this guy took a selfie!

Like you, I love 21st century journalism.  (Though I do apologize to journalists of the past for using the word “journalism” there.)

And by the way, if this guy did anything heroic, saved anyone else from getting stabbed, etc., then, seriously: good for him. I’m not diminishing his possibly heroic deeds. (Although at this point the news stories are all incredibly vague.  In the 21st century, we can’t wait for corroboration or fact-checking! No time for that! No sir, no how!)

I’m just all jazzed, as all thoughtful Americans are, that this guy took a selfie. Thanks Google News and USA Today. We’re  – all of us – a little more intelligent, a little more well-informed, thanks to you!

Posted by Ted on April 9, 2014, 12:26 PM.