Whoop-De-Doo, Dere, Edith! Whoop-De-Doo!

HERE’S an odd one that I perhaps thought better of posting ages ago when I first came up with it, but now – it being the silly season (as it’s known during the slow news period of the summer, at least in England, where I’ve never been) – it’s time to burn off any old, leftover material that’s just taking up space on the ol’ hard drive and actually put it to good use as frivolous, idiotic content – well, more frivolous, idiotic-er content – that you, what?, six readers may or may not enjoy, so maybe I can get out to the beach at some point secure in the knowledge that I’ve vomited something up on the site here relatively recently.

As you know, Hollywood long ago ran out of new ideas and everything anywhere for the last dozen years or so has been a reboot of a previous better something.

Well, one thing they haven’t screwed with yet is “All in the Family.”  So far. But what I’m about to show you will change all that.

A while back, I was obliged to watch the HBO series “Girls” for a piece I was working on. And the one and only thing I came away from watching it, aside from a healthy contempt of Lena Dunham of course, is that Zosia Mamet, who plays Shoshanna Shapiro, should obviously be playing a character made famous by the late Jean Stapleton in the 1970s, but an earlier, whaddaycall, intarnation dere of said character.

Yes, I propose a prequel to “All in the Family.”  A prequel starring the delightful Zosia Mamet as Edith!

I’m telling you, Mamet’s practically playing Young Edith Bunker as it is on “Girls,” at least ditzy, scatterbrained-wise. Why not go the whole hog and just make it official? Sure, Zosia’s going to have to Edith-up the voice a bit and dye her hair or wear a wig, but I know you’ll agree: Young Edith is the role this Girl was born to play!

So I think we’ll call it “Archie & Edith: The Early Years” or better yet, “Some in the Family” and it will focus on the Bunkers right after the War – and shortly before their little goil, Gloria, dere, is borned.

And there just might be a cameo appearance or two…

I haven’t cast Young Archie yet. But not to worry. If I don’t come up with no one good, we’ll just set it during Dubbaya Dubbaya Two so that way Archie don’t even gotta be in it, him being stationed dere in Italy. In which case we’ll call it “One in the Family.”

Norman Lear, if you’re one of my, what?, six readers, call me!

Posted by Ted on July 28, 2014, 6:39 PM.

They’ve Finally Reached Full Absurdity and Peak Hyperbolicity!

Well, it’s official!

With this stellar piece, there is absolutely no difference anymore between actual “Huffington Post” headlines and parodies of “Huffington Post” headlines!

Arianna must be thrilled, dahling!

Or, in the words of a Huffington Post headline writer, “Amazing Transition To Completely Inane Non-News Source Will Make You Ugly-Cry Tears Of Joy In The Best Possible Way.”

And speaking of parodies, pal of this blog and hideous monster Scott Maiko himself worked on a parody of “The Huffington Post” that appeared in Mad a few months back. You really should be buying the magazine, but you can see part of the parody on Jim Romensko’s blog here.

Posted by Ted on July 25, 2014, 2:26 PM.

So I Was Shoplifting From Target The Other Day…

…or rather, I was about to.

I mean, a fellow could go broke buying razor blades otherwise!

Forty-two bucks?!  And you only get a dozen!

Let’s remember, folks, I’m Slovak – a dozen razors only keeps my neck, shoulders and about a third of my back reasonably smooth for about four days, if that.

So I’m heading towards the exit with these – and, sure, I’m aware that these security disks start emitting a loud, high-pitched screech when you try to get past those posts at the doors. But I had my earplugs in and my running shoes on – I wasn’t too worried.

Thank God, though, I turned it over before I went through with it!

Apparently now they also release live spiders!  No thank you!

Posted by Ted on July 23, 2014, 4:33 PM.

Extra! Extra! Read All About It!

Venerable newspaper / squeaky toy Doggy News…

…launches digital edition!

Eh…get it?  It’s, uh, it’s all ones and zeroes.

Maybe the real story here is how Hartz Mountain managed to let the copyright for their perennial best-selling squeaky latex dog toy – which dates back to at least the 1970s – lapse into public domain so that a poorly reproduced knockoff with a barely legible masthead (“Doggn Nems,” it seems to read; “Weather: Dog Days” and “Kennel Edition” are nowhere in sight) can be manufactured in China and sold at 99¢ Only.

I mean, what’s next, an unlicensed Crinkle Fish cat toy?!

Although…re-reading this post I’m wondering if perhaps an even bigger scoop would be why in God’s name I remember the specifics of a dog toy from almost 40 years ago.

Posted by Ted on July 15, 2014, 11:48 PM.

Archie… Archie Andrews! WHERE ARE YOU? [The Morgue]

BIG NEWS from the world of poorly crafted press releases and sloppy yet sensationalistic 21st century journalism!

Archie Comics has announced that their titular tic-tac-toe-haired hero, Archie Andrews, is being killed off!

…Well, actually, they announced it months ago – while all but glossing over the fact that the “Archie” who is dying is the adult, married Archie from “Life with Archie” (which is not the “Life with Archie” comic book we all grew up with, but a larger format, teen magazine-type thing with a thoroughly confusing dual plot – with one storyline following Archie’s life had he married Betty, and the other, if he married Veronica, both presented in each issue); and that teenage Archie will continue to live on in the regular (and surprisingly expensive) comic books; and that “Life with Archie,” the magazine, is ending and this was a nice tidy way to tie up all the loose ends and get an enormous amount of publicity as well.

But today they gave us more details, which clarified everything, thankfully:

Archie will die after getting shot defending his gay best friend.

Wait, Archie has a gay best friend?!

No, no, no!  Who put that thing there?!

Good heavens, Reggie isn’t gay, and he’s Archie’s friendly rival, not his best friend.

Gay best friend? Why, they’re referring to Jughead, of course, whose disinterest in girls has been a hallmark of his personality for decades, and who apparently came out of the closet at some point to no one’s surprise.

…Wait, what’s that? It’s not Juggie? He’s not gay?!

Oh, okay, here we go – from one of a few dozen near-identical articles filed today: Archie dies taking a bullet for his gay best friend Kevin Keller, a new-ish character introduced in 2010.

I see – well, that makes sense then.

…Well, except for the fact that Archie’s best friend is, again, Jughead. And that According to Wikipedia, Kevin’s best friend is Betty.

It just gets so confusing – Archie Comics issues an intentionally vague press release, no one contacts them for more information, and most news outlets just reprint whatever comes across the AP wires.

So let me make it clear once and for all: This is not really the death of Archie!

This is:

Posted by Ted on July 14, 2014, 4:02 PM.

It Was Tuesday, January 9th.

It was cool in Los Angeles.

We were working the day watch out of Internal Affairs Division, Personal Hygiene Department.

Posted by Ted on July 13, 2014, 9:58 PM.