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Welcome to MY Gym, Muthabutlers!
I THOUGHT we’d cleared this all up the other day, but I can see after today’s workout that we haven’t.
To review: The gym I go to…? Where I got these guns…?
It melded with another gym, and now what used to be LA Fitness is now Ballys or vice-versa, or something – who can really say for sure? The upshot of all this is that people who used to go to some other gym now feel compelled to come to my gym, when really there’s no reason for this whatsoever.
So about that: I had a good thing going at my gym, a regular routine, a way of doing things, with no problems. Now with all you people coming there, you’re liable to queer the deal.
To make this an easy transition for all of us (even though I shouldn’t have to transition anything, since I’ve been going here for years) I want to let you know what’s expected of you at my gym, so there’s no problems later. Follow these guidelines, and your (wholly unnecessary) changeover to my gym will be as smooth as the balls of that guy who shaves them at the row of sinks in the men’s locker room.
• Parking: The signs say it’s an unsecured lot and the gym’s not responsible for loss or damage to your car or your belongings, but you’ll want to go ahead and leave your valuables in plain sight on the front seat. That way, during the at-least-once-weekly break-in, they’re targeting your car, not mine.
• Reception: Don’t stop to flirt with whoever scans your card if I happen to be behind you. You’re not getting anywhere with her (or him); there’s a hundred better looking, more built guys who work out here, and one of them is losing his patience trying to just get in the gym.
• Cardio Room: All of our Precor elliptical machines are fairly new and in good working order except for the one on the far right of the room by the door which makes a sort of shuddering thump if you push it up beyond Level 4. This is the Precor elliptical machine you may use.
• Men’s Lavatories: Make sure to throw your used toilet paper into the toilet and flush it along with whatever bodily waste you’ve expelled. Throwing filthy used toilet paper on the floor behind the toilet is a privilege reserved solely for our members who are recent transplants from nearby nations with primitive or non-existent plumbing facilities. Look, we’re as surprised as you are that they can afford gym memberships; regardless, they were here before you. I mean in this gym, not this country.
• Weight Room: Our advanced weight training center can be pretty intimidating, so you’d probably best just stay out of here altogether. But if you insist on working out with the big boys, remember: We’re a pretty tight-knit group with a very specific pecking order and it takes a while for us to warm up to outsiders.
Your best bet is to show respect to everyone working out here, be they serious body-builders or smaller, skinnier guys like yourself. However, if I’m wrong here, if you yourself are particularly well-built, go ahead and beat the crap out of the biggest guy (Frank; usually there from 11 am to 2 pm, calls everyone ’bro’ and always seems intent on engaging me in a conversation about the goddamn Lakers) and we’ll throw our collective allegiance behind you. We may be fickle, but we’re not stupid.
And finally…
• Treadmill Area: I do a heart-pounding twenty minutes at a steady 7 mph at the end of my workout. When I have five minutes left, I will nod to you. Then you run next door to Jamba Juice and get me a 24-ounce Pomegranate Pick-Me-Up which you will hand to me as I step off the treadmill, paper wrapper still on end of straw, please.
What? You want to fit in here, don’t you?
Ted Parsnips
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