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An Important Update In The War Against “Decorative” Bottled Olive Oil and Vinegar in Thrift Stores: An Important Update!
CAN one person make a difference? If that one person is me, and the difference is negligible, you bet I can – and did!
Last weekend I visited a local thrift store – Goodwill Northridge, to be specific, there at Reseda and Devonshire. (And if you’ve never been, don’t bother going! I find that most folks who read posts about thrift stores on blogs are probably buying the same crap I am, so stay the hell away, you hipster bastards! Eh, stay away from my thrift stores, that is. You keep coming back and reading the blog, hm? Love ya!)
Folks, I am proud to report that I scoured that store from top to bottom and there was nary an outdated gift bottle of garlic-studded olive oil or chili pepper-infused vinegar anywhere to be found!
None tucked away behind stacks of Percy Faith and 101 Strings LPs, not a one sharing shelf-space with castoff breadmakers and woks, not even a single bottle amid the dozens of cheap glass vases flower arrangements come in.
I even barged into the back room like I owned the place and poked around there (Told whoever was pricing clothes that I was on a fact-finding mission from the head office in Naperville. Lucky for me she didn’t know where the company is based, either!) and guess what! Nothing in the back room! No jugs of vinegar! No casks of olive oil! Zero!
None in the donation area by the back door, neither! And I hit up the break room, too. I figured, as you would, maybe employees would be foolishly (and dangerously!) stockpiling it for their own use there.
Turns out we were wrong, you and I! I found none! Zip! Nada! Also, whoever had the little Tupperware container of potato salad in the fridge? Delicious. And next time you’ll know to put your name on it – lesson learned.
The enormity of this lack of bottled oils and vinegars (and potpourri and spices and everything else) is enormous! It means that through the Power of Blogging, I have personally shamed Goodwill into doing the right thing and throwing those disgusting things the hell out!
Personally! Me! I did all this! I helped effect change – for the good this time, for once in my goddamn life! At this one particular location! On this one particular day I happened to go in there.
Somehow, by writing an overly long blog post that, what, six people at most read, I have single-handedly succeeded in exorcising these demon bottles with their execrable substances out, out, out of Goodwill! Praise Jesus!
This thrift store is clean!
Oh, there’ll be plenty of time later to congratulate me for all my hard work and dogged determination in personally getting all this accomplished. But there’s also plenty of time now, so feel free to send me gift cards. (No iTunes, please. BevMo, Build-A-Bear Workshop, Lane Bryant or Red Lobster, preferred, in that order)
Or, even better – simply give cash (and if you do it through PayPal, it’s always a bit classier if you figure out the fees in advance and add those to the amount you want to give me so I get a nice round $100 or $250 rather than a slightly lower, odd amount after the fees come out of my end).
And by the way: Sadly, despite all that I’ve accomplished, my work is not yet done.
…And by that I mean I have a bunch more pictures of other bottles of this crap that I’ve found since writing that first post a month or so ago. And, well, since you people seem to enjoy looking at them, we’ll get to all that next week, probably.
Excellent!
Ted Parsnips
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