Archie… Archie Andrews! WHERE ARE YOU? [The Morgue]

BIG NEWS from the world of poorly crafted press releases and sloppy yet sensationalistic 21st century journalism!

Archie Comics has announced that their titular tic-tac-toe-haired hero, Archie Andrews, is being killed off!

…Well, actually, they announced it months ago – while all but glossing over the fact that the “Archie” who is dying is the adult, married Archie from “Life with Archie” (which is not the “Life with Archie” comic book we all grew up with, but a larger format, teen magazine-type thing with a thoroughly confusing dual plot – with one storyline following Archie’s life had he married Betty, and the other, if he married Veronica, both presented in each issue); and that teenage Archie will continue to live on in the regular (and surprisingly expensive) comic books; and that “Life with Archie,” the magazine, is ending and this was a nice tidy way to tie up all the loose ends and get an enormous amount of publicity as well.

But today they gave us more details, which clarified everything, thankfully:

Archie will die after getting shot defending his gay best friend.

Wait, Archie has a gay best friend?!

No, no, no!  Who put that thing there?!

Good heavens, Reggie isn’t gay, and he’s Archie’s friendly rival, not his best friend.

Gay best friend? Why, they’re referring to Jughead, of course, whose disinterest in girls has been a hallmark of his personality for decades, and who apparently came out of the closet at some point to no one’s surprise.

…Wait, what’s that? It’s not Juggie? He’s not gay?!

Oh, okay, here we go – from one of a few dozen near-identical articles filed today: Archie dies taking a bullet for his gay best friend Kevin Keller, a new-ish character introduced in 2010.

I see – well, that makes sense then.

…Well, except for the fact that Archie’s best friend is, again, Jughead. And that According to Wikipedia, Kevin’s best friend is Betty.

It just gets so confusing – Archie Comics issues an intentionally vague press release, no one contacts them for more information, and most news outlets just reprint whatever comes across the AP wires.

So let me make it clear once and for all: This is not really the death of Archie!

This is:

Posted by Ted on July 14, 2014, 4:02 PM.