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Clearance Sale, Eh?
I guess they’re really trying to move that gorilla.
Hey, consider yourself lucky that you’re probably among the five of my, what, six readers who are too young to get the reference.
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Mutual of Roanoke’s Wild Kingdom! Of Spiders!
YESTERDAY, friends, I promised you a little something. Or rather, a bunch of big, hairy, evil, deadly somethings, plural. And today…? Well, today I deliver.
Because as I find out again and again, over and over, on each trip there…
Now understand this: I saw a good deal many more than I photographed. But after a while, you become desensitized to the horror. You go numb. You’re in a constant state of shock. Your fingers are trembling too much to work the knobs and dials on your blogging camera.
That or you’re running for your goddamn life.
Look at this monster. And I pray to God you’re not eating.
On my screen the damn thing is life size, and I have a big screen. Oh, some will claim it’s a harmless orb weaver – a common garden spider that keeps down the pest population. I ask you: If this is the good guy, what in holy hell must the “pests” be like?! And did you get a good look at those pedipalps?!
Next up – and I warn you, it just gets worse – is this eight-legged spawn of Satan:
Again – on my computer – about life size. Consider yourself lucky if you’re looking at this on a smartphone. The body alone was the size of a big ripe cherry tomato, which was ironic because he and his extended family were living…
…in a large garden of cherry tomato plants. And among my chores while visiting was to pick cherry tomatoes for the salad for dinner! (The website said “charming bed and breakfast;” it was more of a socialist granola-y hippy commune. Everyone had to do their share of the work all while singing folk songs about Obama. On the plus side, clothing was optional.)
Anyway, let’s go in for a closeup of that particular behemoth.
As you can see, it’s a little out of focus. My hands were shaking. Yours would be too.
Like I said, I had to reach in there and pluck off cherry tomatoes roughly the same size and shape as these spider’s abdomens, or as they’re scientifically known, bloated venom sacs. Thank God I finally got that cataract surgery last year or I probably wouldn’t be coming home with all eleven of my fingers intact.
Onward! We need to get through this, gang. We’ll be stronger people for it if we do. Yeah, keep telling yourself that.
Check out this obscene colossus of hair and legs:
I honestly don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing that moments later, a huge wasp appeared, attacked and stung it, and began dragging its lethargic, paralyzed body into a hole. (True!) Because that brings up the issue of the other entomological wildlife in Virginia, this veritable statewide Jurassic Park for insects. But more on that later.
Have a look at this unholy beast:
Disgusting. And not merely because he still hasn’t redeemed that Groupon to have his webhole bleached.
I’m pretty sure this is the same bastard from the second picture in this photographic essay (industry term). There were easily dozens of this particular repulsive and horrifying variety all over. Some were just easier to photograph than others. And might I, once again, point out those pedipalps? This vile creature could bench press a freaking cicada.
I alluded to other heinous bugs. These leaping hellions, for instance:
Is it just me or does the one on top, with its abhorrent insectoid features, somehow manage to look indignant at being photographed? (But, hell, if such glares were enough to detract me from snapping pictures of hideous creatures furiously engaged in an unholy act, my Tumblr page of fat, bearded men in their sixties in the bushes at San Onofre wouldn’t be getting so many hits, right?)
Where was I? Ah yes – walk across the lawn and these foul creatures fly up all around you in enormous numbers. I, and now you, can’t help but to find it amusing that in such a God-fearing part of the country, these locusts are busy procreating in anticipation for when the Creator orders up a new plague. (As though the never-ending profusion of stinkbugs He’s already sent wasn’t enough!)
Speaking of Him, what in God’s name is this abomination?
Don’t bother answering. No one knows. Apparently I’ve discovered a new species of freaky, disgusting bug with a tail nearly the length of its reptilian body that we must assume is razor sharp, stronger than steel, and can puncture flesh and bone to deliver a deadly toxin – for which there is no antidote – directly to the heart. I shall name it Musca colubrus daemonus ted parsnippus, or Ted’s Demon Serpent Fly. Why don’t one of you get started on the Wikipedia page for it for me?
Virginia doesn’t just have gigantic spiders, locusts and stinkbugs by the truckload and Ted’s Demon Serpent Flies™, oh heavens no, that would never be enough. Jesus. It also has those coronary-causing house centipedes.
From US Department of Agriculture Chief Entomologist Charles Lester Marlatt’s 1902 masterwork “Circular #48 – The House Centipede”:
Now you know why I stopped wearing women’s clothes.
And don’t even get me started on the horrifying monster locally known as the “bell hornet” or as it should be known, the “Hell Hornet.” And I’m capitalizing it to show it respect.
Once again – on my computer screen…? Life-size, folks. Life-freakin’-size!
Now I’ll say this: It’s unclear exactly what type of evil, stinging monster bedevils the good glade-people of Hill, Virginia because “bell hornet” is indeed a regional name for this winged horror – the few references to “bell hornet” I can find online seem to be from folks in this part of the state (which is kind of refreshing, right – that local colloquialisms still exist, right?). The above photo is actually of a European hornet, from a European website, taken in the proud country of Europe.
But everything I’ve read about these malevolent European giants dovetail (hornet-tail?) with what I was told as well as witnessed firsthand in Virginia – they’re enormous, they destroy apples right on the tree, their sting burns for days, they are active at night and attracted to light – and the ones I saw looked just like this!
The relaxing tranquility we were enjoying one evening at local hotspot Field View Tavern was shattered by the sudden and house-shaking pounding on a sliding patio door – a bell hornet looking for fresh victims. Disaster was thankfully averted before the glass gave out only when one of the proprietors managed to scare it off with a crossbow. But they knew the hornet would be back. Hopefully, they’ll again be ready for it.
I think we’ve cleansed our palate enough. Back to the spiders.
The lion’s share – or lion spider’s share, if such a spider exists, and I think at this point we can all presume it does exist and lives in Virginia – the lion spider’s share of enormous Virginia spiders will of course be found in the state’s copious fields and meadows, where they don’t bother building dainty little frou-frou webs but rather actively stalk their prey – insects, field mice, voles, woodchucks, livestock and, yes, in the cases where ranchers have developed a tenuous but symbiotic relationship with the ferocious arachnids, the occasional trespasser.
Don’t believe me? Well, then just try to step into that yonder meadow there.
I reckon you won’t make it past the barbed wire.
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Of Spinnehunds and Stinkbugs!
AS YOU KNOW, each fall the Parsnips head to the glades of Hill, Virginia for a few days of horrifying spider-peeping. We usually go in October to witness the herds of magnificent, nightmare-inducing Daddy-Long-Legs descending from the mountains for the coming winter. But Courtney is on a stupid field hockey team and has stupid field hockey games almost every weekend next month and so apparently now we’re supposed to rearrange our entire vacation schedule around the “needs” of our children. (This is exactly why I haven’t encouraged Jacob to join anything at school – I’m not making that mistake twice!)
So we missed out on the Daddies (thanks, Courtney), but by going early, we were there for the tail-end of their now summer-long Stinkbug Festival!
It started off just a few years ago as “Stinkbug Days” but as this adorably pungent and hardy invasive species has multiplied exponentially and adapted to Virginia’s climate, it was decided to extend the event all season long.
Look! Look! Way off in the distance, beyond that cluster of trees, you can see the festival’s famous stinkbug-shaped blimp!
The blimp takes folks up over the thick, black clouds of swarming stinkbugs to get a “stinkbug’s-eye view” of all the damage this mischievous little fellow has done to the local soybean crop, decimating the area’s economy. Adorable!
We followed the airship to the fairgrounds where we enjoyed stinkbug tea (actually just iced tea a few stinkbugs fell into), stinkbug chili-cheese fries (regular chili-cheese fries a handful of stinkbugs clumsily dive-bombed onto), stinkbug funnel cakes (apparently they got into the batter), and a local delicacy – fresh, raw stinkbugs (technically, a couple just flew into Jacob’s mouth when he yawned).
What a wonderful time! Even getting stranded at the top of the Ferris wheel for three hours in the scorching sun and steaming humidity – after a mega-cluster of stinkbugs, attracted by the heat of the engine that powers the ride, crawled into the motor and irreparably burned it out – couldn’t dampen our spirits!
Ah, memories to last a lifetime. (Nearly a week later and Courtney’s still pulling the little marmorated guys out of her hair.) But as delightfully malodorous the stinkbugs were, we were in town for the gross and enormous spiders.
Brother, we weren’t disappointed!
First thing you want to do when heading out on a Virginia spider safari is you want to rent a spinnehund from a local doggery. Don’t be fooled! Its small size belies its fierceness and bravery.
These animals have been specially bred to fearlessly run into Virginia’s vicious field spider burrows and roust them out. They’re quick, too – much faster than the spiders they go after – and this breed has, over generations, developed a tolerance for Virginia field spider venom, should an angry arachnid manage to get its disgusting, hairy pedipalps on him. What would instantly kill you or me only temporarily stuns the small but brave spinnehund.
This particular breed has been developed to also wrangle the more aggressive Virginia road spider. His coat helps him to blend into the pavement so the eight-legged bastard cannot see him as easily. Can you find our rent-a-dog in the photo above? Oh, look carefully, he’s there!
With our trusty spinnehund packed neatly away in my napsack (A misnomer, really – there’s no napping with gigantic and deadly Virginia spiders around every corner. In fact, once you come face-to-pedipalps with one of these ferocious and bloodthirsty creatures, you’ll likely never sleep again) we were ready to see some spiders! Big, nasty, disgusting spiders! And hoo boy, we did!
Tomorrow: Spider gallery! Oh yes – there will be pedipalps!
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¿What’s Bueno? E-Z Eats Country Fried Beef Fingers!
VERY little time here, folks – I’ve made a wager with some fellows at the club and am now on a race around the world with my trusted valet/irritating Filipino houseboy Kenji.
Thankfully I’ve taken the precaution of scheduling in advance a bunch of these insipid What’s Bueno at the 99¢ Only Store posts that are nonetheless the lifeblood of this blog. Well, what do you know – here comes one now!
E-Z Eats! Country Fried Beef Fingers
Man, if you’ve got a hankerin’ for some good old-fashioned country fried beef fingers – deeelicious breaded strips of beef in a handy carrying cup – look no further than E-Z Eats Country Fried Beef Fingers! They microwave up just as quick as you please and—
…Okay, okay, I can’t go through with it; I just can’t do it. These things were atrocious. Now I’m going to have to win the bet, if only to be able to return all that money to the country fried beef finger industry.
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¿What’s Bueno? Pitfall T-Shirt!
AS longtime readers of this blog know, some of the best years of my life were spent as first warbler in a Roger Whittaker tribute band.
Well, gang – I can finally officially announce it: Jimmy, Dane, Joe-Joe, Evelyn R., Big Curtis, Flaubert, Marc, Evelyn C., Antonio, Chester, Pam, Brucie, Christian, Russ, Alan and I have been rehearsing over the last few weeks and – yes! – Whitaker Experience is back together again! (We used the be “The Roger Whittaker Experience” but then we got that letter from BMG and had to drop the first name and one of the T’s. And stop performing any of his songs.)
My point is I’m gone – I’m out of here for a while – while we’re on tour! (I know!) Come see us at the Eastern Idaho State Fair on the Bear Lake Credit Union free stage tonight after the arm wrestling tournament! (Sometime after 9:30, depending on how many contestants there are.)
Despite all the time and hard work spent tuning up my “whistler” (mouth), I managed to line up a bunch of these inane What’s Bueno at the 99¢ Only Store blog posts in advance! And here’s one now!
Activision Pitfall T-Shirt
Ninety-nine cents only for this t-shirt featuring the original box art from the 1982 Activision video game! It’s brand new! It turns out the original price – on the original price tag – is a whopping $9.99! That’s like eight times as much as 99¢ only, I think! And the funny thing is that if I saw this in Target with their annoyingly enormous selection of retro 80s t-shirts, why, I’d turn my nose up at it no matter what the price!
Yet here at the 99¢ Only Store, I was for some reason compelled to purchase it! This despite the fact that it’s a medium and these days, hoo boy, I wear a large!
Well, I’ll just give it to someone for Christmas, sure. And if it’s you, forget you read this! I paid full price at Target.
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¿What’s Bueno? Toblerone!
Turns out I’m having another one of my “episodes” where I suddenly seem to disappear off the face of the earth and friends, relatives and local law enforcement all turn out to take part in a massive search for me and then I wake up four states away in a cheap motel wearing German Mennonite women’s clothing, with no idea how I got there.
Thankfully I somehow had the foresight to schedule, in advance, a bunch of these What’s Bueno at the 99¢ Only Store posts to keep interest in my blog at an all-time low while I’m gone!
Toblerone Chocolate Bar
Toblerone?! At the 99¢ Only Store!? No way!
When I was a kid, Toblerone bars were among the imported stuff that all the rich kids I went to school with got for Christmas. Toblerones, Paddington Bears, “Ant and Bee” books and those little blue cylinders of Pustefix bubbles. Oh how the mighty have fallen! Not the rich kids I went to school with; I’m sure they’re all just richer. Bastards. No, I’m talking about Toblerone! They’re selling them at the 99¢ Only store now! Finally, they’re within the reach of good, plain people like you and me.
Those wealthy a-holes I went to school with can piss their money away paying twice as much for these at their precious Trader Joe’s! No, I’m serious – they can and they will.
Look! Look!
But this year I can at long last have the Christmas that Mother and Dad were tragically unable to provide for me as a child, despite how I longed for and deserved it. That is, so long as Ant & Bee, Paddington, and Pustefix all start showing up at the 99¢ Only Store, too. But if not, I can deal with it. After all, what kind of spoiled brat man-child really needs fancy bubble solution imported from Europe? Doesn’t regular dish soap work just as well?
Perhaps there’s a lesson to be learned from the austere simplicity of my plain white prayer bonnet.
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¿What’s Bueno? Stackable Israeli Planters!
HEY! I’m in jail for a few days taking care of that public indecency thing from July 4th (A plea of “no contest” is not an admission of guilt!) But no worries! Before I surrendered myself, I set up a bunch of these What’s Bueno at the 99¢ Only Store things that no one cares about to run in my absence!
Onward!
Item No. 5071/607831 Made In Israel Planter
Yes, according to the sticker on them, that’s what these things are called – Item No. 5071/607831 Made In Israel Planter!
And they’re ingenious! Apparently when they’re not defending their sovereignty against whoever they’re always fighting with, New Zealand, I think, when they’re not training their youth for the army, Israel is manufacturing these amazing planters! Now, above there, what you’re seeing is a big stack of them. Each one is 99¢ only and what you do, see, is you buy multiple planters and you stack them like this:
Stack them like that, and you can go as high as you want. But you put your dirt and plants in them first. Here’s what mine looks like, all filled with baby’s breath or some crap and also petunias. (Yes, petunias! They’re very pretty!)
Okay, okay, they don’t look as good as I hoped. Sadly, that photo was taken well over a month ago, and they look even worse now! I don’t have a green thumb, brother – I have a brown thumb! It’s covered with Kraft Philadephia Cream Cheese Indulgence Dark Chocolate Spread. That, friends, is what is known in the comedy world as a “call back.”
And that call back would make more sense if I hadn’t butchered an originally much longer post into half a dozen smaller ones! Speaking of butchering, and knife-like weapons, it’s time to “fall out” for the showers! Wish me luck!
Wait, I’m supposedly blogging from jail now…?
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¿What’s Bueno? Indulgence Dark Chocolate Cream Cheese!
GUESS what! You’re in for a treat! Because I’ve been called out of town suddenly, to take care of my sick aunt, eh, Aunt Martha, sure, even though I’ve never mentioned her before and the tabloids are saying that I’m actually on strike and am trying to get them, whoever they are, to renegotiate my contract. Anyway, what was going to be one of those interminably long posts where I list a whole bunch of things that are bueno at the 99¢ Only Store has now become a week’s worth of short posts with one or two items per entry!
As my blogging mentor, or blogntor, Sylvia Haynes-Darden often says in her continuing education classes How To Not Lose Your Shirt Blogging and Lost Your Shirt? Unclutter Your Closet NOW, “If you have a bunch of stuff, spread it out over as many separate posts as possible, and if you haven’t worn it in a year, throw it out!”
(They had a two-for-one deal at the Learning Barn, and I have two hours to kill on Tuesday nights when Kim is in that Tantric Massage class that she and her Zumba instructor, Mauricio, signed up for together.)
Anyway, let’s get this thing started.
Indulgence Dark Chocolate Chocolate Cream Cheese Spread by Kraft
What is it with Kraft lately and their attempts to cram cream cheese down our throats – a cheese we already accept so willingly? Previously they tried to get us to accept their laughable “cooking creme”…
…which, by the way, is also available in large quantities at the 99¢ Only Store. Aren’t we as a nation fat enough as it is without having to eat all these cream cheese by-products? Answer: No, so they introduced this “Indulgence” nonsense which is now taking up valuable real estate in the refrigerated cases of the 99¢ Only Store. I did my part to unclog the case and clog up my arteries by buying a bucket of the stuff.
I opted for the dark chocolate variety, but you might like the milk chocolate variety. Anyway, here’s what happens: It’s like a sort of cross between Nutella and chocolate frosting and pudding. You can spread it on a toasted sandwich “flat” (also sold at the 99¢ Only Store) and it looks like this:
Eh, it’s pretty good. It’s not overwhelmingly bueno. Just sort of mediocrely bueno.
It doesn’t taste anything like cream cheese, so I’m not sure what the damn point is. Since I only have two more of those stupid “sandwich rounds” left but nearly a full container of this Indulgence stuff, I have a feeling I’m going to end up laying on the couch in the living room eating this with a spoon while I watch a week’s worth of “The Price Is Right” saved on the DVR this Saturday night. Alone.
(This weekend poor Kim agreed to help that hapless Mauricio rearrange his bedroom to optimize the positive energy – she took a Feng Shui class this past spring. Oh, I warned her. “Learn Feng Shui,” I quipped, “and you’ll end up moving more furniture than if you’re the only one of your friends with a pickup truck.” Heh – I need to send that one in to Bennett Cerf.)
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First Day of School!
IS there anything worse than vomiting in school?
Yes! Vomiting on the first day of school, just two short minutes before the end of the day – after you almost made it without vomiting!
It happened to yours truly, waaay back in fourth grade, and now you are there!
Like you, I’ve never done well in extreme heat. Add intense humidity to the mix and it’s only a matter of time before that telltale headache starts developing, I turn white and clammy, and I start looking for a toilet, wastepaper basket, or girl with long, elaborately-braided hair.
Ah, I remember it like it was yesterday: The entire class was sitting with our new teacher Mrs. Anderson on the carpeted floor of her classroom. In the waning minutes of the school day she was reviewing with us, her new charges, what we’d be covering that year.
I’d been feeling increasingly ill since about one p.m. But you know me – I’m not exactly the sort to raise my hand and speak in class if I don’t have to. I was going to run out the clock. I could do this! Steady, stomach – just a few moments left!
Two minutes to three p.m. and I couldn’t hold it back anymore. With a sudden and mighty blurrrrp the contents of my stomach gushed forth from my mouth, onto my lap and the carpet. I still remember what they served in the cafeteria for lunch that day – hot dogs, pineapple chunks and chocolate milk.
I remember because they made a striking visual contrast, half-digested as they were, on the deep orange carpet and my light blue corduroys.
The tight little knot of students exploded back. You remember the old kindergarten science experiment where you sprinkle black pepper on a bowl of water and then add a drop of dishwashing soap and the pepper immediate pushes back to the farthest reaches of the bowl?
Well, think of my classmates as the pepper and me and my vomit as the soap, Tropical Chocolate Frankfurter Gastric Juice scented.
Since I’d been sitting cross-legged on the floor, when I stood up, my legs were striped: Puke, corduroy, puke, corduroy.
As Mrs. Anderson walked me down the hall towards the nurse’s office she asked me with equal amounts of compassion and frustration, “Why didn’t you say something?!”
“I thought I could make it!” I whined.
The custodians did a good job of cleaning up the mess. There wasn’t a trace on the carpet the next morning. That didn’t stop all my fellow students from walking over there and inspecting it, though – whispering as they looked at me. Sure, there were a few half-hearted offerings of “glad you feel better” but I was largely a pariah for the next few days.
Of course this incident followed me throughout the rest of that school year, to the end of elementary school, through junior high, and onto high school. “I remember you!” I’d hear at least once a year from someone who’d been in my class that fateful year but I hadn’t seen in some time. “You threw up on the first day of school!” After I graduated I thought – I hoped – that would be the end of it.
But it’s my own fault: I made the mistake of telling Devon, hopefully imparting the lesson I’d missed – to never be afraid to speak up. And of course, little Devon missed the point completely, loved the story and thinks it’s the funniest thing ever – especially the part about the striped puke-y corduroy legs.
Today he starts fourth grade, he does. Little sickly Devon with his many allergies and his sensitive, sensitive stomach.
Fourth grade already! They grow up so fast, don’t they?
…Anyway, look what I’ve secretly replaced the Fruit Roll-Up in his lunch with.
Yeah, we’ll see who’s laughing this afternoon, little smart-mouthed so-and-so.
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Important Pizzal Update!
PIZZAL? Pizzial…? Whatever, you know what I mean. Of, or relating to, pizza of course!
Anyway, remember, when I first got my blogging license – oh, gosh, what was it, like twelve years ago…?
…I wrote about this place…?
Well, look! They’re back in the news! And by “the news,” I mean on my door knob!
Boy, she’s still enjoying that pizza, huh?
Since I first blogged about Pizza Ptus, that “little girl” has grown up, gone to college, gotten married, gone back to college, earned her degree in Outer Space Sciences and is now the first lady astronaut living on Mars! To paraphrase Sir Paul McCartney, what an amazing world in which we live in, right?
There’s other changes, too. They added the clever tagline (industry term) “slice of heaven.” I like it!
Wait, can door hangers (industry term, different industry) have taglines? Hey, I’m going to say they can! Why the hell not, right? After all, we are the music makers. And we are the dreamers of dreams.
Also of note:
• They’ve switched from a horseshoe-shaped cut to allow for the ingress of a doorknob to a asteriskal aperture-type multi-cut. Very progressive. Bold move. Bold move!
• While they no longer offer a cary out special, they’re now featuring something called a “carry out special.” Whatever that is!
• They’ve adjusted the color! The photo of the calzone no longer looks like a cigarette butt someone ground out under their shoe on the sidewalk!
• Goofs – Continuity: The little girl is seen gnawing on a slice of pepperoni pizza, but the pizza in the foreground obviously has at least three additional different toppings on it.
• I didn’t notice this last time but behind the bottle of Coke…? Yes – swirly design things!
• Oh and most of the prices have gone up since last time.Anyway, the thing to take away from this is – aside from the fact, as my attorney helpfully points out, that this place still has delicious food – is that without obvious last minute, throw-anything-the-hell-up-on-the-blog posts like this, you really wouldn’t appreciate the good posts, like, oh, I don’t know – what was a good one? – the one about the, oh let’s say the one about the animal crackers. Sure, why not?
Ted Parsnips
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