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Candy & Toys!
EVERY DAY when I get home from the office, little Howard comes running up to me, hollering, “What did you bring me?! What did you bring me?!”
Well, as you can imagine, what I’ve usually brought him is a rap in the mouth, but every once in a while I like to surprise him and give him something he’s not expecting.
I stopped at my local independently owned and operated dollar store after work today (I finally remembered to pick up new underpants – it’s been on my “To Do” list for months now.) and at the end of an aisle, on an “endcap” as they’re known in the retail game, I saw a pegboard of dulces y juguetes, or in our soon-to-be second language, “candy and toys.” Each little packet had an assortment of a few pieces of candy as well as a small toy. Sure – some candy and a toy.
Well, you know little Howard – he loves candy and toys!
But which among these many bags – this veritable pegboard of packets, if you will – which one to choose?
One had a bright blue yo-yo.
Inside another was a cement mixer truck no bigger than your thumb.
There was one that had a funny little man on a wind-up horse.
And in one packet I saw a red rubber ball with a big white star on it.
A handful of tiny green army men were scattered among the candy in one bag.
And in another, some plastic zoo animals.Why, they were all wonderful. And I just couldn’t make up my mind.
So I did what any man would do, sure.
Eeny meeny miny moe…
Now, some might say I’m spoiling him, but if you had only seen the expression on his face!
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Yet Another Product with Delightfully Anachronistic Package Design!
EVER SINCE I CAN REMEMBER, I’ve enjoyed looking at grocery items packaged in cans, boxes and bags that somehow seem like they’re from a bygone era.
In fact, this little obsession of mine goes back so far that even as a strapping, ebullient boy I was fascinated with the anachronistic look of various grocery products when they were perfectly contemporary – yet I was so preternaturally forward-thinking that I envisioned how out of place they would be if for some inexplicable reason, decades later, they retained that same package design.
I also visualized myself as an adult keeping a blog and writing at length about this, though of course at the time, I had no idea what a “blog” was. I presumed it to be either some sort of farmable swampland or a hybrid frog/animal that starts with “bl,” though what really confused me is why the hell I would be writing about package design when surely my marshfarm with its unholy crossbred amphibimammals would be much more interesting.
Knowing this, it came as no surprise to anyone in my family when I was blessed with precocious puberty, though it wasn’t without its drawbacks. I recently bumped into my kindergarten teacher who confessed to me while it was handy having me around to rearrange the heavier classroom furniture, she was happy to advance me on to the first grade at the end of the year (She found the chest hair that peeked out of the collar of my striped Zoom rugby shirt “disconcerting.”) – this despite the fact that I had a lot of trouble differentiating lowercase p and q. I still think if she had bothered to sqend a little more time with me, I might have turned out puite differently.
Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. This is what you came here for:
This box of Nabisco Grahams looks like it’s from…the late 1960s.
Proof of Its Modernity: “NO HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP” on side panel.
Where You’d Expect to See It: On Miss Gibson’s desk – for snack.
Buy It Because: “NO HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP”I got these in the 99¢ Only store – no surprise there. What’s startling is that they were really good and I wish I bought ten boxes. (Too late! They’re gone!)
Like you, I prefer my graham crackers to be liberally coated in cinnamon and brown sugar. But as a nude graham cracker goes, these are the best I’ve had. How did they end up in the 99¢ Only store? It’s a mystery. The bigger question is why Nabisco decided to give this the bright, bold package design look of the late 1960s. Am I complaining? No!
…Well, a little bit, but only because I just read the other side of the box and it turns out they were made in Mexico. Well, that clears up the first mystery, anyway.
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A Worrisome Find!
I KNOW HOW YOU KNOW how much I like dollar stores – not just the 99¢ Only store (admittedly, a favorite!) and Dollar Tree (a close second!), but also your filthy, rundown, Mom and Pop (or around this neighborhood, Mama y Papi), independently-owned, non-chain, one-off dollar stores.
By the way, I hate that stupid phrase “one-off.” Never use that around me. It disgusts me almost as much as “spot-on.”
Any chance I get to wander into a dollar store I hadn’t visited before to see what cheap trinkets, unlicensed toy knockoffs and expired food they might have, all tainted with melamine, probably, and imported from China, well, brother, I’m there! Hoo boy, I’m there! Can’t keep me away! Sure. Also, these places usually have good deals on baby clams and condensed milk. Often in the same can.
Recently I found one such store called “Dollar J” or “J Dollar” or something like that. It had a letter of the alphabet in the name, that much I remember. In fact, now that I think about it, the entire name was comprised of letters of the alphabet.
Anyway, they had these! For a buck!
Above: The thing I got at the dollar store. I have put a Toolie Bird by it for scale.
In case you can’t quite make out what it is, I’ll tell you! It’s a “Universal Lock Out Tool.” A slim jim! The kind you use to break into cars, not the kind you nab from the counter at 7-11 when the cashier’s momentarily distracted printing out your weekly $60 wad of quick picks in an increasingly desperate attempt to win the lottery and get out of this disgusting city before the last of your money finally runs out.
Where was I?
Ah, yes – the slim jim! For a buck! Christ, at that price, you almost can’t afford to not start robbing cars!
Hm, is that right…? ‘Almost can’t afford to not start robbing cars’… Yes. Yes, that’s what I wanted to say.
Now, you know the sort of people who shop at dollar stores (aside from me). You know what I’m getting at. You know the type. Eh? Ehhh…? Mm-hmmmmm.
Poor people! I’m talking about poor people!
Seriously, do we really want to give poor people – who have much more reason (and propensity!) to rob and steal than you or I – such easy, ridiculously inexpensive access to a device like this that has such a potential for misuse?
No!
So I bought them all and I’ll be selling them for two bucks a piece this Saturday on that little strip of lawn in front of the Food 4 Less parking lot in Winnetka.
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Another Product From The Dollar Store With Delightfully Anachronistic Packaging That You’ll Want To Know About!
Like you, I’ve got this weird thing for food items I find at the dollar store that feature package design that looks very dated! So you’re not alone!
Today’s offering is a can of German potato salad. Yes, you heard me right (if you’re enjoying this web page with some sort of text-to-speech software) – a can of German potato salad!
Take a look!
This can of READ German Potato Salad looks like it’s from…the mid-1970s.
Proof of Its Modernity: Website listed on back. I visited it and saw this:
Want information on how to create delicious, nutritional meals using READ products? Sign up to become part of our new “online community.”
They put “online community” in quotes! That’s Zooey Deschanel-level adorable! Awww!
Where You’d Expect to See It: On the workbench, empty and holding loose nuts and bolts in Grandpa’s garage.
Buy It Because: According to the label you can “Enjoy [it] hot or cold!”
I’m no longer defining just what it is that makes a package’s design look so dated because I’d be pointing out the obvious. There’s no reason to note the specific typefaces, photos, and colors that make each product appear old – you’re as big a fan of anachronistic package design as I am so you see it as well as I do. That’s why you and me get along so well, sure.
READ German Potato Salad comes to us from the local Dollar Tree. Last night I ate it. It was good. Tangy, it was. Tangy. It did give the cat gas, so just bear that in mind if you let her lick the bowl when you’re through.
Anyway, this can cost me a dollar, and I did buy it for the blog, so if you want to send me a dollar, I think that’s fair. Also the READ German Potato Salad people can send me more of this stuff for free or maybe some money for giving it a nice plug. Whaddaya say? I’m happy to get the ol’ Ted Parsnips Web Design Team back to work and have them put a banner on top that reads something like “READ German Potato Salad presents The Ted Parsnips Hour.” That’s assuming that every time you come here, you spend around an hour, which I think is a pretty fair assumption.
Now for a few thousand dollars less, we could do “The Ted Parsnips Hour, brought to you by READ German Potato Salad – the tangy German potato salad!” with the product name below mine. But I would hold up the can every few minutes while I write these posts.
Anyway, READ German potato salad people, my attorney will be in touch to hammer out the details. Let’s get this thing rolling.
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A Close Call!
There I was at my local Dollar Tree last week, sure, rooting through the book section, like a pig searching for a truffle or an unsupervised local anchor tot. Except I guess the pig knows what it’s looking for. (A truffle, not an unsupervised local anchor tot. That was just the second in a short list of two items.) Me, I was just making a mess of things (and I somehow lost that frozen José Olé chimichanga I meant to buy – probably left the damned thing on the back of the shelf among the few books that didn’t end up on the floor). Anyway, imagine both my surprise as well as my delight when I came across this:
Holy Superhero Comic Book Spectaculars, Batman! It was a Superhero Comic Book Spectacular! The 2 Count Value Pack! And it was the ultra-rare (one presumes) Super Hero & Super Villain Edition! Plus there was 1 Free Bonus Super Hero Trading Card In Every Bag!
So what was in it? Here are the contents as though torn from the very back of the package! (Actually I snipped it neatly with a pair of scissors.)
Comic Books, a Trading Card, Guaranteed NO Duplication, Super Fun and Bring Excitement – all for a buck?! Why, I’d have been a fool to pass this up. I bought it!And while I love the whole package – the Free Bonus Superhero Trading Card, the Super Fun, the Bring Excitement, and all the rest – I think it’s that extra effort that the good people at Cards One (the distributor) made to guarantee no duplication of comic books – among a veritable grab bag of two comic books – that I really appreciated.
Some might feel that it’s a little frustrating to read a single issue from the ongoing sagas that were DC’s “Hawkworld” (1990) or Eclipse Comics’ “The New Wave” (1986), not knowing the characters nor their backstories – their origins, if you will – or the story lines thus far – in short, really not having any context whatsoever or frame of reference to anything at all that’s going on. But I look at it as part of the “Bring Excitement back to reading.”
And it’s definitely part of the “Super Fun to bring the whole family together” – indeed, this Saturday, the entire family Parsnips will be piling into the car and heading back to that Dollar Tree to tear apart that goddamn book section again until we find Superhero Comic Book Spectacular 2 Count Value Packs with “Hawkworld” issues 1 through 6 and 8 through 32, and “The New Wave” issues 1, 2, 3, and 5 through 13. And if we don’t find them there, I know of three other Dollar Trees in the area!
By the way, if anyone has any A-Team trading card duplicates to swap, let me know. I don’t need #57 (“A Close Call!”).
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Salt!
Well, it hadn’t been a week since I last showered you with images and descriptions of products in delightfully anachronistic packaging before the emails started coming in. “Ted, won’t you please find more products in delightfully anachronistic packaging to share with us, the readers,” so many of you wrote. Okay, okay, I give in! But you’re just getting one more…for now.
And here we are. Despite the little missus’ recent heart attack scare, I can’t keep the salt away from her. I’ve given up trying to let her dole it out via the traditional shaker and just let her pour it onto her Fritos pie right out of the canister. She’s going through a package a week, and at this rate, Morton’s is getting a little pricey. Solution? Royal Crystal Iodized Salt.
Picked up this baby at the Dollar Tree for – yes! – a dollar and believe me, brother, you’re not going to find a more delightfully anachronistic package of salt.This Royal Crystal Iodized Salt looks like it’s from…the 1970s.
Proof of Its Modernity: Mention of trans fat on nutrition label.
Where You’d Expect to See It: In the background of a photo in a print ad for Fit & Trim dog food in “Family Circle” from 1979, shot in a grocery store with all the products on the shelves out of focus just enough so you can’t read the brand names. But you’d, eh, recognize it from the color scheme, sure.
Buy It Because: For God’s sake, salt is salt. You might as well get the cheap stuff. Hell, I’d feed our six foster kids road salt if we lived in a climate where I could scrape it off the streets in the winter.
• A simple design with bold letters on a field of that deep red-orange – that’s what makes this one look old. That and the double-shield thing – I’m sure it has some sort of graphic design name – in which “Royal Crystal” is printed in white on deep blue. That thing alone looks like something you’d see as part of some sort of modern American colonial bicentennial style decorating motif, right? Oh, you know what I’m talking about. Look, the important thing is it looks like the Royal Crystal salt people designed this thing 35 years ago, and here it is, still today. I love it, and now that you’ve seen it, so do you. -
The Long-Awaited Final 10 Products with Anachronistic-Looking Packaging That I Found at the 99¢ Only Store That You Need To Know About, I Guess
Here’s that last ten I promised you weeks ago! And this is what’s going on, if you’ve just joined us: Apparently I have some weird fascination with products in packages that look like they were designed decades ago. Lord knows I’ve tried to get you interested in this, too. I thought maybe it could grow into a hobby we can share (since you evidently have no interest in competitive horseshoeing) and we could work on it during the weekends that I have you. You know, we could even take a trip to the 99¢ Only store sometime, just you and me. And…and maybe Lucinda, too, Daddy’s new…eh…roommate. Oh, you’ll like her fine.
So what I did was I went to the 99¢ Only store and I found these things. Each and every single one is currently available there! (Well, except for the two that aren’t, but we’ll get to that later.) And the thing is, they all look old, which is pretty cool. They all look old, but they’re current products. Isn’t that neat?
Now let’s dip into this final ten…with some dip!
This Laura Scudder’s Green Onion Dip Mix looks like it’s from…the early 1980s.
Proof of Its Modernity: Website listed on back.
Where You’d Expect to See It: In the cupboard where your elderly widowed neighbor keeps all her spices and seasoning packets, the last of which she most recently purchased in 1983.
Buy It Because: According to their website “Once you try it, you’ll never want to use any other brand.”
• What a great old-looking design – made all the more wonderful when you realize those onions are rendered entirely with just two shades of green and one shade of brown. -
Anachronistic Food Packaging – An Important Update!
Last week, as you’ll recall, you attended Part II of my lecture series, “Understanding and Appreciating Anachronistic Package Design That I Found at the 99¢ Only Store” or whatever the hell I called it. Here, here’s a link in case you somehow forgot, and if you forgot, for God’s sake don’t tell me, because it’s just going to make me upset.
Anyway, Number 10 in that slideshow was an unassuming little roll of candy called Necco Wafers, sure.
Well! Wouldn’t you know it – as soon as the package design people at the New England Confectionery Company got wind of my article, they were so embarrassed that they immediately updated the packaging, and somehow got the new Necco Wafer rolls in the stores the very next day, all because of my article shaming them, which was not my intention – you know this!
I was celebrating the “old school” (as you call insist on calling it) look of all of these products, Necco Wafers among them. Celebrating, not denigrating! I need to put that on a t-shirt. Look for it as soon as I get my Café Press store up and running. (Soon – promise!)
So let’s take one last look at the Classic Necco Wafer packaging before it’s gone forever, and brother, let me tell you – if you come across any of these old packages, snatch them up! They’re not making any more of these wrappers! Forget buying gold – put your money in vintage Necco Wafer Rolls – if you can even find them!
Below: The End of an Era – Classic Necco Wafer packaging, 1847-2011.*
*1847 date an estimate only, based on year company was founded. Not a guarantee.
Below: The Necco Wafer of Tomorrow and Beyond – The New England Confectionery Company’s reboot of the popular “Necco Wafer” franchise.
You can’t stop progress, I guess. I’m just relieved that as a concession to us anachronistic package designophiles – you included! – that the typeface they used for the words “The Original” looks kind of classic – you know, like something you’d see on the menu of a 50s themed diner, right?
Obviously, I anticipate this mention on my blog will send demand for the chalky, delicious candy discs through the roof. I also anticipate that the Necco people will thank me by sending me a case or two of candy (but not Necco Wafers, please – something with actual chocolate in it, for crying out loud.)
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Twelve Germ-Free Inches!
I needed a new ruler and there I was at, yes, the 99¢ Only store yet again.
And this thing is staring me in the face:
Hey for 99¢ only, the price was right! So I bought it.
I have placed a Toolie Bird by it for scale.Now can we get a closeup of the label?
Aside from what you’re thinking – which is that Westcott sounds like the name of a chain of expensive hotels rather than a purveyor of fine measuring devices (Don’t worry, I thought the same thing.) – aside from that, what you’ve noticed is that they’ve manufactured a ruler protected with something called “Microban” which it seems “fights stain and odor causing bacteria.”
Hm.
Now, has this been an issue among those who use rulers perhaps more frequently than I do? Is this something that I just hadn’t heard about or experienced? Because I’ll be honest with you, I haven’t had this problem.
…What the hell are you people measuring?
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10 More Foods I Bought at the 99¢ Only Store With Delightfully Anachronistic Package Design That I Need You To Be Aware Of
That’s right! Current products, all bought at my local 99¢ Only store – but each look like they’re from the past! It’s delightful! By God, I’m going to teach all of you to recognize anachronistic package design as well as appreciate it. Someday you’ll thank me for it.
By the way, if you missed the first installment, here it is. For you regulars – both of you – let’s get started! Let’s get started with some corn! (How many times have we all said that?)
This North Pride Cream Corn looks like it’s from…the early 1970s.
Proof of Its Modernity: Website address on back of label.
Where You’d Expect to See It: In a dump basket of off-brand, five-for-a-dollar canned items in a Hispanic grocery store off the 5 freeway on the way to Palm Springs.
Buy It Because: Makes a great side dish!
• With a whopping 5-1/4” x 2-1/2” of its label devoted to a photo of its contents, you know North Pride is serious about creamed corn. I’d like to think that the photo is a cropped image of an enormous vat of creamed corn, snapped by a factory employee who has propped a ladder against it and leaned way over the edge; now you’d like to think this, too. The North Pride people made a wise decision in making much of the label (that which isn’t dedicated to the mural of creamed corn) a bright, healthy, vegetable-y green. But I’m curious, and delighted, as now are you, as to why they decided to go with a sort of pale flesh tone for the rest of it.
Ted Parsnips
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