¡What’s Bueno in the Cereal Aisle!

If Joe Besser were alive today…

…this is what he’d be eating for breakfast.

Sure, Ted — all, what?, six of us readers will be sure to keep coming back for more obscure references no one gets!

Posted by Ted on October 19, 2015, 3:52 AM.

¿What’s Bueno? — Halloween 2015 Edition!

What’s up with Halloween this year?  No one seems interested! Have we all finally grown up?

There’s a Spirit Halloween store near me in a spoooky old abandoned Orchard Supply Hardware, or OSH — and it never looks the least bit busy. What’s more, I’m not even all that interested in checking it out, and I’ve always been interested in checking out the ol’ Halloween store.  But not this year, brother!  Not this year!  And I don’t even know why.

Walmart’s selection is a bit lackluster, too, and as for Target — last night I saw this on my computer:

The month’s not even half over and they’re already discounting costumes. What’s going on?

Most surprising of all is what I saw at the 99¢ Only store.

For the past three years, I’ve enjoyed checking out their Halloween offerings, as you can see here and here and here. This year was no exception, but a couple of things were unusual:

• 99¢ Only held off longer than usual to put out Halloween merchandise. Usually, Halloween stuff is in full swing right after the “Back-to-School” push in late June — directly following their “Graduation” push. (The “Fourth of July” push is shoehorned in there around the same time.) This year, I don’t think I saw much if any Halloween stuff before September!  September!  Can you imagine! Has the retail industry finally taken leave of taking leave of its senses and decided to put stuff out at a reasonable time before the holiday in question?

• Astounding but true: All of their Halloween merchandise was…99¢ only!

“But Ted,” you say, “It’s the 99¢ Only store — of course it’s all 99¢ only.”

What, are you new around here? The 99¢ Only store has become quite well-known for pushing the price well above 99¢ only, as I’ve blogged about — and linked back constantly to — here.

So when the 99¢ Only store is in fact selling all of their Halloween merchandise for 99¢ only (despite some price tags of $1.29, $1.49, 1.99 and $2.49), why, that’s certainly blogworthy, you’ll agree!

And it gets crazier: 

I went in a coupla days ago — and all of their Halloween merchandise has been further discounted to the ridiculously bueno price of, eh, buy-one-get-one-free. (What happens is you buy one piece of Halloween stuff, and you get another piece of Halloween stuff of your choosing — of equal or lesser value, but that’s irrelevant because it’s all 99¢ only to begin with — for free, hence the term “buy one get one free.” My pledge to you: We don’t say “BOGO” here on Ted Parsnips [dot] Com, and we never will.)  

So essentially, each piece of Halloween merchandise, or merchoween as I (and now you) like to call it, that they’re offering is now 50¢ only! 

Folks, that can mean only one thing:

The Halloween aisle at 99¢ Only gets a rare 7 Dollar Sign rating!  It don’t get no better than that! You head over to your local 99¢ Only store, and you do it now!

Here’s a small sampling of the items I saw and liked, and please note that while our overall rating for 99¢ Only merchoween, as you insist on calling it, is 7 Dollar Signs, some of these items may rate slightly less — but still at 50¢ each, they wouldn’t rate much less!

Onward!

Crows! Over a foot long, they are, and about 7-1/2″ tall. Made of hollow plastic, they stand on a base and also come with a plastic spike, which frankly, confuses me.

Still more baffling: the rectangular hole in its back. My guess is maybe the spike is to secure the base (which also has a hole in it) to the ground, so Mr. Crow doesn’t blow away on breezy October nights, but as to the hole on the back: No idea.

These were originally priced at $1.49 each, so you’re getting three for that price as of this writing! My only wish is that the 99¢ Only store sold ground beef so I could have reenacted this scene from “Parks & Rec”:

But who am I kidding?  Since when have any of us ever left the 99¢ Only store with just four items?

Pirate Skull!  I know, I know, it’s clearly a Nosferwhosis-type vampire, or maybe a zombie, but it’s no pirate.  But “Pirate Skull” is what the label reads. They seem to be made of very cheap resin or maybe some sort of plaster, and a decent size at a little over 5″ tall and over 6″ at its widest. The tag read $1.49; I bought one for 99¢ and then picked up another for 50¢ yesterday.

It’s pretty cool as-is but I’m toying with the idea of keeping the 99¢ one pristine, or mint-in-lack-of-package, and painting the 50¢ one in a sort of 70s dayglo Halloween scheme. That way, once I’ve completely ruined it, I’m only out half a buck!

Severed Limbs an’ Stuff!  These don’t really do it for me, and I didn’t buy any, but I still know a great deal when I see one. Choose from hands, arms, legs, even spines, all pretty much life size. The ones on the left of the shot above are hollow, blow-mold plastic; the (smaller) ones more tinged with “blood” are stuffed latex. (Of the two kinds, go for the latex ones!)

Me, I prefer “traditionally scary” rather than “outright gory” for Halloween (that time last year when I answered the door to trick-or-treaters without my Dearfoams on and they noticed that stubborn, pus-weeping scabby patch of dry rotting flesh I’ve got on the inside of my right foot notwithstanding), so you won’t see any on my front porch.

Rats! Two varieties!

This one, with the comical hands-resting-on-his-fat-gut pose:

And this one, much more vicious:

Both are pretty big — about 7″ tall, and pretty hefty.  But here’s the thing: They’re black.  Sure, they look good, but here’s how they look better: Paint ’em with cheap acrylic paints!

And boy oh boy, don’t it look a thousand times better after I applied my heavy-handed artistic skills to it? Of course it does! Just agree with me, I’m very sensitive. “Yes, yes, they look much better, Ted, much better.” Thanks!

Look, maybe it’s not exactly something out of Rick Baker’s workshop, but there are people in suburban neighborhoods putting together half-assed haunted houses in their garages in upstate New York that’d kill for this kind of prop.

Anyway, one down, five to go. At the rate I’m working on them, they’ll be done by Thanksgiving!

Zombie Outbreak Sign  Printed on stiff board, this sign gets high marks for the fact that neither the biohazard symbol nor the word “apocalypse” appears anywhere on it — both overused and all but requisite on almost everything “zombie” these days.

Even better than that: the artwork and colors. Simplicity itself — red and yellow-green on a black background. Looks like something right out of a late 60s or early 70s Halloween display at, I dunno, Woolworth’s!

Sure, let’s go with that.

Bird Skeletons!  What is it with animal skeletons this year? Seen in various other retail establishments: dog skeletons, cat skeletons, even non-existent-in-real-life spider skeletons, as a pal recently mentioned he’d seen. It’s like the new thing, Halloween-wise. Well, I can tell you one thing: 99¢ Only wasn’t about to be left out, and the only thing they could offer us — their customers — and keep the price low enough to fit our budget was this bird skeleton.

He’s approximately 8″ tall and, believe it or not, slightly articulated! His beak can open and close, his wings can be moved up and down, and his two legs (as a single unit), can be tilted both this way…and that. This bird is just begging for some young Ray Harryhausen to do some wonderfully crude stop-motion film with it.

And like all the other animal skeletons I’ve seen for sale, they’ve gone and added some bones where there shouldn’t be. (On the dogs and cats, it’s usually the ears.) Here, it’s a series of 12 bones where the tail feathers would be. I get it, though: It looks a lot more avian with that anatomically-incorrect detail.

Kind of a pity to cast it in black plastic, though. Looks like someone has a date with my paintbrush!

Masquerade Skull Mask Brilliant! Someone had the bright idea of taking the old fashioned “mask you hold up to your face on a stick” like you see at them fancy masquerade balls in movies and making the mask part the top half of a skull, and the stick part hand and arm bones.

Love it, looooove it!

For even a creepier effect, have someone do scary skull makeup over your eyes and nose so when you do the big reveal at midnight and pull down the mask, everyone’s like “Oh no!”

I’d offer to do this makeup for you, but I’ve got my hands full clumsily glopping paint onto rats.

Owls!  Maybe my favorite Halloween item this year at the 99¢ Only store. These guys are 16″ tall!  That’s pretty much life-size, right?! Now, the thing is, they’re just the front half of the owl. But what do you want for $1.99  $0.99  50¢?!

Most impressive is that the eyes each have a little piece of plastic on them that you have to peel off, as they obviously were stacked when shipped from the owl factory to your local store, and they didn’t want those peepers getting all scuffed up.

Interesting that they ring up on my receipt as”Owl Halloween Garden Decor,” which made me more suspicious that it was probably just molded off of an owl decoy you’d get in a garden supply place that you’d use to scare off birds or small animals from a garden.

Yep. A quick Google image search confirms it. I hope whoever molded the original gets royalties.

Anyway, at 50¢ each, I bought six, just as you would. I have no use for more than one of them, really, but I know if I didn’t go crazy and buy six, I’d be kicking myself.

And to answer your question: Even though it’s roughly half an owl, you cannot fit two of them back to back to make a whole one — like you, I thought of that, too. These owls lean forward, so the bases would match up, but not the rest of the figure, despite our eagerness to play God and create some unholy pushmi-pullyu bird of prey.

Anyway, there you have it!  My top picks of bueno Halloween stuff from the 99¢ Only store.  And sure, there’s a lot more there — some bueno, some really not bueno — but at 50¢ each, it’s probably worth a trip there yourself. …If you dare!

(I say “if you dare” because it’s the 99¢ Only store, and aside from us, you know what kind of people shop there — annoying, pushy people who stand way too close to you when you get in line and don’t respect your personal space and have garlic breath and b.o., and who buy a big stack of owls leaving almost none for anyone else. Why did you think I only bought six?)

Posted by Ted on October 16, 2015, 12:43 PM.

Big News In the World of ¡What’s Bueno!, Continued!

SOME WEEKS AGO, in an effort to get fresh content out there where it’ll do everyone some good in a more timely manner, we introduced a new, uh, dealie there:

Instead of simply

or

we now have

which means I can now legally tell you what things are bueno — a Slovak word meaning “nifty,” sure — from all sorts of dollar stores, not just the Big Two, as we call them here in Southern California. Oh yes — we’re no longer limited to 99¢ Only or Dollar Tree! I can shop with confidence at all those crappy, no-name dollar stores, too! Well, with as much confidence as those garbage dumps inspire, and ho ho, brother, it ain’t much!

And what’s more, I’ll be rating all these items in terms of their buenocity. For instance, something’s a great deal? Bam! I’ll give it seven dollar signs, just like that, so you know it’s good. Something’s ridiculous, a big waste of money, but I thought you should know so you steer clear (because I’m just that kind of a caring guy)? One lousy dollar sign, if that!

What’s really great is that these changes to the Ted Parsnips model allows me that necessary loophole to review items that are being sold for more than 99¢ only from the increasingly-in-name-only 99¢ Only store (which I swore to God on a stack of 99¢ Only printed-in-China bibles I’d never ever do).

I’m not quite sure how this provides me this loophole, but for the sake of argument, let’s say it does, because, really, what do you care?

So, let’s get started and see how this works!

A Gallon of Kraft Ranch Dressing!

It’s a frickin’ gallon of name brand ranch dressing for 99¢ only, therefore,

7 out of 7 dollar signs, obviously.

See, that was pretty painless. Now, the whole thing’s a work in progress, though, so expect some changes, or, more likely, expect me to just lose interest in the whole thing or accidentally and permanently delete all the little dollar sign rating icons I spent eight weeks creating.

But just to prove to you that it works for any dollar store, let’s do another one:

Bigfoot Call!

We would’ve given it 7 dollar signs, but it claims to be authentic…

…and I sat outside blowing in this thing for six hours and not a single Sasquatch showed up.

The cops did, however.

Anyway, there you have it. New ¡What’s Bueno! rating system, making your life easier, and God knows, making it easier for me to put new content up here on a regular basis. And on that note, expect even more of the content on here to be dollar store-related, since it’s going to be so much easier now. And shorter, probably, too. Because the internet has spoken! — “We can’t focus for much more than 140 characters now!” — and I have listened! Mostly! (I think this particular post may clock in at around 143 or 144 characters.)

Also, I’ve decided to use something brand new called “social media” — that you’re probably just reading about right here for the first time — to further announce all “What’s Bueno” news, and to that end, I’ve created a new Twitter account to do so – @WhatsBueno99. (It would have just been “@WhatsBueno” but some guy is already using that name, and what kills me is that the account is basically dead. He tweeted a grand total of three times and that was six years ago. If he only knew what kind of gold mine he’s sitting on!)

Anyway, I encourage all of you to follow me on Twitter  — and for a limited time, the first five tweets I send out to you will be free. (After that, your credit card will be charged $29.95 per Tweet unless you cancel — ooh, and please be sure to send me your credit card info so we can get started on processing that.)

Also, just to be a jackass, I went ahead and followed all of you who are already following me on that other one, what is it, @TedParsnips, which lately seems to be a repository of pictures from those marvelous 1960s Popeye cartoons.

So, anyway, this should be fun, right?

Posted by Ted on October 9, 2015, 1:47 PM.

HULK SMA— …er, SPRITZ! HULK SPRITZ!

Finally!

Now you, too, can smell like Lou Ferrigno.

Or, I suppose, Edward Norton, Eric Bana, or Mark Ruffalo.

And for just a buck! Heck, you can’t even buy a decent pair of purple shorts for a buck these days. Though I suppose you never could.

Anyway, Hulk for Men Eau de Toilette Spray is…

…for today, June 10, 2015. Like I’m doing these on a daily basis now.

Posted by Ted on June 10, 2015, 1:59 AM.

¿What’s Bueno? Corn Skewer! Set of Three!

With summer right around the corner and all, backyard barbecue time will be here before you know it, and what cookout would be complete without delicious ears of corn on the cob?

But how to hold ’em (and enjoy ’em) without getting our fingers all buttery and messy?

Lucky for you, and now me, the 99¢ Only Store’s got us covered when it comes to corn skewers!

Look!  Look!  It’s a set of 3!

Like you, I can’t wait until fall rolls around to see what they offer in the way of nutcrackers!

Posted by Ted on May 14, 2015, 10:49 AM.

¿What’s Bueno? ¡Las Vegas Edition!

AS REGULAR readers of this blog know, I was in Las Vegas a few days ago, and you know what they say: “What happens in Vegas is you go to the 99¢ Only store.”

Now this brings up an interesting (to me) issue — one that I’d been meaning to share with you, the reader, for quite some time, so that you, too (the reader), will find it interesting.

And what that is, is that not all 99¢ Only stores are created equal. Or stocked equal. Like you, I’ll go to that one on Ventura in Woodland Hills (the one that always has customers bringing their dogs inside, you know, after they and their pets have managed to negotiate around whatever cadre of solicitors from dubious “charitable” organizations are hovering right outside the door)…

…and I’ll find delicious, high-quality, name brand wieners — delicious, high-quality, name brand wieners that I don’t find at other locations.

Or, I’ll head over to that one in Simi Valley and find a nourishing breakfast entree, like this…

…that I wouldn’t look twice at in a grocery store, but since I assume it goes for like ten bucks there, I feel compelled to pick it up here for 99¢ only just because it’s a good deal. Update: I did a little research (which is what I do here for you, what, six readers), and it turns out they sell for an astronomical $2.00 at Walmart. That’s more than double 99¢ Only’s low, low price. Let me break it down for you: By purchasing this at 99¢ Only I saved a whopping 99¢ only plus another two cents. And for the record, I still assume they go for more at one of your so-called “super” markets, so even though it’s sat in my freezer for the last month and I have little interest in eating it, experts will tell you: buying this was a shrewd move on my part.

And don’t even get me started on that 99¢ Only location in Van Nuys! Oh, I don’t have to tell you – I’m sure you know as well as I do: Filthy toilet of a neighborhood, true!, and yet, the most amazing items specific to that particular store! Example? Oh, how about delicious Nabisco Mallomars…

…by the God-blessed palletful! Oh yes. And there were two displays of them, each piled high as you please! As big as a man, they were! A large square man, it would seem. Let me tell you — in your wildest dreams you cannot imagine the marvelous surprises that await you at the Van Nuys store. So do me a favor, pal, and stay away — I kind of like to be the only one of us who finds the neat-o deals. You understand.

Anyway, the point is, you go to different 99¢ Only stores, you’re going to find different products, sometimes! So I had high hopes for the Las Vegas location I visited. High hopes indeed!

Here’s what I found there:

And that was about it. Bleah.

Oh, this Nevada 99¢ Only had all the usual stuff that all their Southern California brothers carried, but aside from these boxes of unsold-store-stock-from-last-October Limited Edition Pebbles cereal, there was nothing I saw that was unique to this location.

We’ve talked about the Pebbles family of cereals before, haven’t we? Ah yes, here and here.

And what I find fascinating, and now you do, too, is that without the adjectives “Cocoa” or “Fruity” in front of it, “Pebbles” — which on the original two varieties described the size and shape of the cereal itself — now seems to specifically reference the Flintstones’ baby girl, featured prominently on the box, much like Dora is on Dora the Explorer cereal, or Spongebob on Spongebob Squarepants cereal.  But unlike Dora or Spongebob, no one under the age of thirty has any idea who the hell Pebbles Flintstone is.

That’s kind of interesting, right? Sure.

Anyway, most of the cereal blogs out there, when they’re updated at all, offer very little coverage in the way of your seasonal offerings, so as a public service to you, the cereal eating public, I bought a box for 99¢ only and will now review it for you:

Post Limited Edition Pebbles Candy Corn Flavor Cereal

Stats:

Name of cereal: Post Limited Edition Pebbles Candy Corn Flavor Cereal
Manufacturer: Post
Longterm Availability: Limited Edition
Cereal shape: Pebbles
Flavor: Candy Corn Flavor
Type of breakfast food: Cereal
Found at: 99¢ Only store
Price Paid: 99¢ only

Ratings:

Prominence of Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm on box: 9.5
Current pop cultural relevance of featured characters: 1.25 (I love “The Flintstones.” Believe me, I hated to have to give this such a low score. I’ll do what I can to make it up elsewhere and bring its overall grade back up.)
Detail of cereal pieces enlarged to show texture on box front: 9.75
Balance of orange, yellow and whitish cereal pieces: 9.75
Uniqueness of seasonal cereal theme (Halloween): 9.75

Okay, that should even things out, right?

Unfortunately, no. Because here are the problems:

• There was no prize inside. Back when I was a kid, it was the law: your cereal was federally mandated to come with a prize inside. Here’s my vintage Cap’n Crunch regulation-size soccer ball that was included in specially marked boxes of Cap’n Crunch back in 1972:

Fascinatingly, not only does it depict the Captain as he’d look after numerous redesigns forty years in the future, it was also shipped in the boxes fully inflated, which tended to crush the cereal into powder (which somehow still cut the roof of your mouth!) and made the boxes bloated, misshapen, distended…and impossible to keep from rolling off the shelves. Thus they were only in the stores for a few days before they were recalled, making this perhaps the rarest of Cap’n Crunch IBPs. (In-Box Prizes. Industry term.) Still, as prizes go, it’s one of my favorites. My point is, you want my seal of approval on your cereal, you better give me a decent prize.

• Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm dressed as a Wiccan and a vampire? The whole concept behind the cereal doesn’t make any sense! We’re supposed to believe these characters lived thousands of years ago, in the stone age, and somehow they’re celebrating Halloween, i.e, the birth of Christ, millennia before Jesus himself went trick-or-treating in Nazareth (but only at the homes of people who left their porch lights on and didn’t mark their doors with lambs’ blood, if I recall my Sunday School lessons correctly).

• The back of the box features a photo of Halloween snacks and a recipe. What’s going on here? I’m expecting some delightfully garish and off-model illustrations of the gang from Bedrock challenging me to, I dunno, probably a maze constructed by palm trees, boulders and brontosaurus necks — and instead I’ve got an overly complicated 14-ingredient, 13-step set of directions to make something called “Whoopie Pies” (which by the way no one ever heard of two years ago but is now one of those trendy foods that’s all over your precious “Pinterest.”).

And finally — and there are those who might suggest this is the most important:

• It don’t taste nothing like candy corn. It’s just…sweet. It tastes sort of familiar, like some other cereal, but I can’t quite put my finger (or tongue) on it. (I can put my finger on my tongue, and I frequently do, but given how infrequently I wash my hands, this probably accounts for all my canker sores. …Which now that I think of it, might explain how little I was able to discern any kind of candy corn taste. So take this last critique of the cereal with a grain of salt. No, please, take it. I have no need for a grain of salt that’ll just further irritate my cankered tongue.)

Bottom line, the only way this stuff is bueno is if, 30 years from now, I unpack the carefully preserved package from my stockpile of old cereal boxes and list it on whatever eBay-like auction site exists then and sell it for a ton of cash. And for that to happen, I need for everyone else who saved their Halloween Pebbles boxes for eventual re-sale as collectibles to perish in some sort of cataclysmic event that fortuitously spares everyone who collects old food packaging but needs this particular box. Could happen. In fact, my entire retirement plan counts on it.

Anyway, while 99¢ Only in Las Vegas didn’t hold a lot of wonderful surprises for me, at least they had 7-pound bags of ice for 99¢ Only, and that’s the main reason I went there. I make it a point to fill up my hotel room bathtub with ice before I go out irresponsibly gambling and binge-drinking. That way, whoever steals my kidney isn’t relying on hotel-provided ice. I learned that the hard way a few years ago when I woke up in a shallow tub of lukewarm water with a Post-It note on my forehead apologizing that the ice machine at the end of the hall was out of order.

I’d tell you the whole story but I’ve got to go. I just had a sip of iced tea and now I have to tinkle like a race horse.

Posted by Ted on April 27, 2015, 1:42 PM.

¿What’s Bueno? A Gallon of Miracle Whip, That’s What!

OVER the last year or so, I’ve seen tons (literally!) of mayonnaise and mayonnaise-type products make their way through my local 99¢ Only stores. Everything from off-brand to name brand, though having just written that, it occurs to me that there’s not a lot, if anything, in between.

But more often than not, that mayonnaise is name brand, and in decent-sized jars, too. Mostly it’s stuff nearing the end of its ‘best by’ date, which really means nothing, but in some cases, it’s unusual and sometimes unfortunate flavored mayonnaise.

But this was a new one on me:

That’s a gallon of Miracle Whip, folks!

And while it may be technically a “dressing” (and I seem to recall that Kraft used to refer to it as a “sandwich dressing”), it still morally falls under the category of “mayonnaise-type products.”

Anyway, a gallon of Miracle Whip comes in a jug is so big…

…it’s got a handle to pour it.

Believe it or not, I passed on it. And I challenge you to further believe it or not, but truth is, it’s not often I make anything that necessitates so much Miracle Whip that I have to pour it out of the gaping mouth of a huge jug.

But it was a mistake: Knowing how the Ted Parsnips Web Design Team loves their egg salad sandwiches (at least judging by the smell in the break room downstairs), they certainly would have appreciated it. What’s more, the simple gesture of giving a gift, however inexpensive, would no doubt have gone far to build bridges between upper management and lowly, hourly-wage pixel-pushers.

Heck, even if they didn’t use it in their egg salad, that wide-mouth jug would make it a snap to pour onto a bowl of Froot Loop Slightly Irregular Factory Seconds or whatever the hell the cereal is called that’s been strewn all over the floor and crunching underfoot in the IT department ever since one of them got back from visiting that Kellogg’s outlet store in Waterloo, New York.

Let me tell you, between inane tangents that have nothing to do with the original subject and specific references that only 16.6667 of my, what, six readers will understand, even I’m beginning to wonder where I get the nerve to click that “publish” button.

Posted by Ted on March 28, 2015, 4:21 AM.

¿What’s Bueno? Pop Rock-like Vitamins! Sort of.

Discovered in the health & beauty aisle at my local Dollar Tree!

VitaRocks C Immune System Support Dietary Supplement!

“No Water Needed”  reads the box. “Just Pop In Your Mouth!”

Like you’d be, I was intrigued. Could this be Vitamin C in fizzing candy form?! I gambled a buck to find out. For you, my readers.

Once home, I tore into that box and found fourteen of these packets inside:

So I ripped one open and what I found inside there, well, eh, I didn’t take a photo of.

Orange powder.  Or it would have been, had it not been all clumped together.

I ingested it — and why not? — I paid for it.

Tasted like a pulverized chewable Vitamin C tablet, it did.

I thought I detected a bit of fizziness, so throwing caution to the wind (and possibly risking a Vitamin C overdose — what I do for you what, six, readers!), I dug into another packet, the contents of which were more powdery, less clumpy, and yes, fizzier.

Eventually, I read the damn box and yes, it confirms the popping aspect of this product:

“Enjoy a burst of orange flavor while getting immune-boosting benefits all in a great-tasting, popping vitamin!”

Fourteen packs for a buck is nothing to sneeze at, and the benefits of Vitamin C may well prevent you from sneezing altogether.*
*Sneezing is often associated with having a cold.

Despite the expiration date on the bottom being almost six months in the future, it seems that some of the contents’ packets were clumpier than others, with VitaRocks’ celebrated popping being more pronounced in the less clumpy ones (or, conversely, less pronounced in the more clumpy ones).

Still, I found that if it’s the popping that you’re aiming for (and you should be), clumpy or no, tap the contents of a packet into your gaping maw, but then chew it with your mouth open, like a damn cow.

For whatever reason, that seems to enhance the popping; but if you look like me (and you don’t), it doesn’t make for a pretty picture. A healthy immune system has its costs.

Posted by Ted on March 9, 2015, 12:47 PM.

That Fried Chicken Bologna Sandwich Post You’ve Been Asking For!

Previously on Ted:

At the end of the 99¢ Only Halloween Hullaboo thing back in October, I mentioned how I came across these delightful cans of chicken bologna.  Sure, they had me at “chicken bologna,” but in a can…?  I think we’re all astonished I purchased only one.

*  *  *  *  *

Now, months later, I showed said can to a pal who was (inexplicably) disgusted, but did advise me that “You gotta fry that [expletive deleted] up, son! Frrrrrah it up!”

Looking online, I saw to no surprise whatsoever that there’s at least one chef who is trying to promote fried bologna as a trendy food, which would have immediately dissuaded me (and by extension, you) from having anything whatsoever to do with it, but by this point I was already 99¢-only deep into this fried bologna folly of mine (or frolognly, as I call it) and there was no turning back.

I wisely ignored his recipe, which involved artisanal this and local-sourced that, and God forbid, gluten-free something-or-other, probably!, and just winged it and created my own unique take on the classic fried bologna sandwich.

By the way, have you noticed lately that every single recipe you see online is “a [something] take on the classic [whatever]”…?

No?

Well, now that I’ve mentioned it, you’ll be seeing it everywhere.

Anyway! Here’s how we made our version — that is, mine (and now yours):

First, I opened the can. I needed to insert the thin edge of a knife twixt can edge and lid to actually pry it off, which was accompanied by a subtle but delightful sucking noise, even after the can opener did its job.

I wasn’t sure what to expect , but, eh, this is what I found. I’ll let the photo above describe it; otherwise I’d inadvisably write something completely inaccurate involving the foreman at the chicken bologna cannery hocking up a little extra personal something into each can…that would cause my attorney to suffer a sudden apoplectic fit. Instead, imagine how the infinitely more talented James Lileks might describe such an image.

I’m usually something of a happy-go-lucky type, but I’ll admit this cylindrical wad of lunch meat — key to the success of our fried bologna sandwich — has me a bit worried, especially given that divot of congealed fat.

You, however — fretful, nervous type that you are, you’ve been concerned from the first time you read “chicken bologna in a can.” I can’t imagine why.

And this black spot I think has us all a little anxious. The can itself was free from visible dents, dings or punctures, and this — this looks like spoilage.

So then, throw the entire thing out? And piss away 99¢ only?!  Naaah!

A simple bolognopsy takes care of things; we’ll send that sample off to the lab [read: “trash can”] and get on with our lives.

But not if Mr. Whiskers has anything to say about it, and brother, does he ever! “Mrow! Mrow! Hiss! Spit! Mew! Yowl!” etc., etc.  Apparently once cracked open, the can filled the room with a scent not unlike one of the delicious varieties of Friskies Buffet, at least to the unsophisticated palate.

Sheddap, I tells him, and continue.

Here I’ve flipped the wad of bologna, or bolognawad over, and cut off about a 1/4″ slice.  Next, we—

—”Mrow! Mew! Hiss! Spit! Hiss! Mrrow! Yoooooowl!”  Okay, this evidently isn’t going to stop until I take bolognive action. At this point, though I was unable to get a shot of it, the little fella actually got up on his hind legs to beg, and he never does that!

Trust me, friends, it’s adorable, and thus must be rewarded — and maybe then he’ll shut the hell up!

So we dice up about a teaspoon of the stuff:

Put it into a bowl and present it to his majesty.

Mmm-mm, that’s good bologna!  Good bologna!

And then two minutes later, he’s finally done, and what the hell – did he even eat any of it? That’s almost the same amount I gave him. Anyway, let’s get back on track here.

Next, we take this delicious telera, or Mexican food-bread roll, which I bought from Jons (a local supermercado), slice it open and…

…using rich, delicious Challenge Dairy Maid Spread (the challenge is finding the dairy in the list of ingredients), generously butter the inside of the roll.  Oh, excuse me, generously butter the inside of the telera. Oh, oh, excuse me – generously 48% Vegetable Oil Spread the inside of the telera.

Also, here my attorney would like to note that it’s not that challenging find dairy in the list of ingredients (but they are at the end).

Next you pop them into your frying pan, butter side down, and kind of toast ’em up, reeeal nice-like.

Meanwhile, having already sliced up the bologna you’re going to use, you’ll want to bag up the rest and put it in the refrigerator – you know, so you can enjoy it later. Or at least so Forensics has a starting point after your corpse is discovered sometime next week.

Now don’t let your roll burn! No one wants a telera en fuego. Once properly toasted, you can return it to the cutting board where you sliced your bologna. Don’t worry about keeping a kosher kitchen — when cooking food like this, cross-contamination is the least of your worries.

With your frying pan good and hot, go ahead and put your one and two-thirds chicken bologna slices in there. (You would have had two whole slices, but you snipped off that gross black part, and then the cat was being a pain in the ass so you gave him some, remember?)

Now: Quick, cut yourself up a slice of onion to put on your fried bologna sandwich. Look, your chances of kissing anyone any time soon already went out the window when you decided to cook up a fried chicken-bologna-from-a-can sandwich, so might as well cut that onion good and thick.

Onto the most expensive part of the sandwich: The cheese. It’s the only thing that cost more than a buck. I chose Borden Natural Provolone (with added smoke flavor); for a more authentic Fried Bologna sandwich, simply use government cheese.

You’re going to want the bologna slices to get kind of slightly browned on both sides, so flip ’em over now and again. And then, when they’ve got a nice color to ’em, you go ahead and put your cheese slices on ’em.

Now, see what I did with the 2/3 bologna slice? I folded and scored its cheese slice so it’d fit. It’s this lightning-quick ability to immediately adapt to any cooking emergency thrown my way that would serve me well on “Cutthroat Kitchen,” “Chopped,” “Hell’s Kitchen,” or any other of those awful cooking shows if I knew how to make anything aside from a fried bologna sandwich, and I’m learning as I go with this thing as it is!

Now let the cheese melt on your bologna slices a bit. When the smoke alarm in the hallway goes off, they’re about done.

Using a spatula, de-pan [cooking term] your bologna slices and slide same onto the bottom of your toasted telera roll, drop that fat slice of onion onto it, and give your sandwich a south-of-the-border flavorita by garnishing with some jalapeño slices, and you’re just about done.

All that’s left to do is drop the top half of the roll on, and then cut that sucker in half for no reason other than to display its delicious melted cheese.

Well, and to make it easier to share with the cat.

For a copy of the Fried Bologna Sandwich Recipe, send $4.00 and a self-addressed stamped envelope to Fried Bologna Sandwich Recipe, Box 658152, Dept. FBSR, Los Angeles 7, Calif., Attention: Fried Bologna Recipe Fulfillment Office. Please write “Fried Bologna Sandwich Recipe” on the lower left corner of your envelope and include the words “Fried” “Bologna” “Sandwich” and “Recipe,” in that order, printed by hand on a 3×5 card. Fried Bologna Sandwich Recipe offer good while Fried Bologna Sandwich Recipe supplies last.

Posted by Ted on February 23, 2015, 1:26 PM.

¿What’s Bueno at the 99¢ Only Store? Donkey Key Holder! Der!

LOOK, despite my assertion that the 99¢ Only store is becoming the 99¢ Only store in name only (along with my admirable and praiseworthy steadfast refusal to award anything above the 99¢ only price point – industry term – the coveted “What’s Bueno” citation), I still find a lot of good stuff at 99¢ Only; and for 2015, my promise to you, my readers, is to feature a new What’s Bueno item each and every single day of the year right here on this blog.

Oh, look, it’s more than two weeks into January. Well, I’ve already screwed up this one. I guess there’s really no reason to waste my time trying to bother with the, what, 349 days left, is there?

Still, we’ll try to get ’em up here as events – and merchandise – warrant.

And here’s one now! Not an event – a merchandise!

It’s a magnetical keyholder! “Pin The Key On The Donkey,” reads the package. And it’s not just a key ring, no, but a wall-mounted holder from which to hang your keyring …from!

You mount the donkey yourself – sort of the opposite of what happened that time your car got impounded in Tijuana so you made a deal with the guy who owned a local cantina to get up on stage and make some money, fast!  That’s  a long way to go for a joke, but it’s in such poor taste, you’ll agree it was worth it!

Why these ended up at 99¢ Only is anyone’s guess, but my thoughts run to magnet strength and rings heavy with little trinkets and bottle openers and keyless remotes on them. But I don’t know this for a fact, because despite it being bueno, I didn’t buy one – not even for 99¢ only – because I’ve got enough crap around here as it is.

And here my attorney cautions me to remind you: That’s not to say it’s crap – after all, it’s today’s What’s Bueno item which makes it the very antithesis of crap! Besides, I meant “crap” in a positive way.

Anyway, it’s made by the good folks at GamaGo who have a website of other non-Donkey Magnetic Key Holder objets d’kitsch for sale – and don’t worry, kiddos, they’ve got zombie-, owl- and Gameboy-inspired items (plus much, much more) to satisfy all your gift-giving needs.

The Donkey Magnetetical Key Holder, though? Apparently exclusively at 99¢ Only. Hee-haw and Happy New Year!

Update! (3/9/2015)

A location in Simi Valley has this doggie version!

Much like the donkey key holder der, I didn’t buy this one, either.

But it shore am cute!

Posted by Ted on January 16, 2015, 3:38 PM.