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¿What’s Bueno? ¡Queso Monterey Jack Rebanado!
I’ve heard of bricks of cheese, but this is ridiculous!
Cheese Shingles. Not “Singles.” Shingles.
Missprint?
I don’t know!
Maybe it was supposed to be “singles” but the package design copy editor has a lisp and uses voice-to-text software when creating new product labels…?
Or is this one of those ridiculously esoteric food items that you usually only see on those obnoxious cooking shows?
“Chefs, please open your baskets.
“For the dessert round, you must use veal brittle, aquarium granola, horse balls and Monterey Jack cheese shingles. Good luck.”
Outside of those two scenarios, “shingles” doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. I’ve worked construction. I know what shingles look like. I’ve also had shingles. I know what shingles feel like. These are neither rectangular and rigid, like the shingles on your roof; nor itchy and painful, like the shingles on your crotch.
So I asked a pal for his opinion.
“Look at this package of cheese I got at 99¢ Only. Is this a mistake?”
“Oh yes, buying cheese at the dollar store is definitely a mistake.”
“No, you jackass! The word ‘shingles’ on the package!”He wasn’t sure either, but suggested that ‘singles’ are often individually wrapped slices of cheese (these were not individually wrapped), and since each slice was slightly staggered from the next thus resembling the overlapping nature of roofing shingles, perhaps the unlikely descriptor was intentional.
Mm. An interesting hypothesis, but I think he was giving too much credit to a company whose label looks like it was designed on a free online logo maker, so I immediately dismissed it. Plus there was that crack about where I do most of my shopping.
But it’s all irrelevant now anyway and we may never know the real story behind Monterey Jack Cheese Shingles because on a subsequent trip to 99¢ Only, I picked up this (for 99¢ Only):
Ah! Slices! Now there’s a word we all understand!
You know what? They were pretty good. And that name change can only help. Now I can enjoy Monterey Jack Slices without being subconsciously reminded of the bitter woody taste of cedar shingles or the gamy herpes taste the other kind is infused with. Oh, please, like you don’t eat your scabs!
Now then! Who’s up for one of my famous grilled cheese sandwiches?
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For the Billionaire Playboy / Engineer / Superhero On the Go!
How does Tony Stark keep a showroom finish on that suit, sequel after sequel?
Iron Man 3 Wipes To Go! of course.
They’re perfect for mopping up that glob of Filet-o-Fish tartar sauce that dripped onto your arc reactor at lunch or for a more thorough cleanup after flying through, and startling, a flock of Canadian geese.
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99 Tears!
AS though it wasn’t enough to find out Bahooka is closed. Now, just a few days later, I learn we’ve also lost Dave Gold.
“Who was Dave Gold?” you ask?
Bite your tongue, sir or madam! Dave Gold was the founder of 99¢ Only stores, the discount retail chain providing fodder for what seems like 99% of my posts! They’re also responsible for 99% of the food in my refrigerator and 82% of the clothes in my closet (I pick up that other 18% – used socks and underwear – over at Goodwill).
I was going to link to his obit on the LA Times, but you hate the LA Times as much as I do – so instead, you can read about him on USA Today, a newspaper about which I am largely ambivalent. For now.
In memory of Mr. Gold, here’s a 15-product salute of shopping suggestions for the next time you find yourself in one of his stores or better yet, reason to head there even if you weren’t planning on going!
Some of these items may no longer be available, but you’ll agree that posting them anyway is a fitting tribute to the man who started it all back in 1982 and loved nothing more than finding great bargains to share with the rest of us.
And it’s more of a eulogy than the 99¢ Only store website is doing! 99 lashes with a wet (ramen) noodle for them for not even mentioning his passing on their site!
Life Savers Heritage Tin
Can you believe they sold these things for 99¢ Only? The Pep-O-Mint and Wint-O-Green tins held oversized, individually-wrapped Life Savers, while the Wild Cherry and Butter Rum tins held six individual rolls each! Six rolls of Life Savers and a collectible tin to further clutter up your house?! Sold!
Sara Lee Chocolate Creme Cupcakes
Wow! Eight cupcakes for 99¢ Only. And nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee! You couldn’t buy a two-pack of those disgusting Hostess cupcakes for less than a buck! No wonder they went out of business!
Barbie Fun Yo Yo
Like you, I was surprised to find the Barbie Fun Yo Yo here. Now, the Barbie Mundane Yo Yo – that’s what you expect to see closed out at the 99¢ Only store.
Post Good Morenings Frosted Flakes
This is a huge box of cereal for 99¢ Only! 22 bowls worth – says so right on the package! And it’s a good American name brand, not that crap from Argentina that tastes like it was sweetened with tapir piss. Why is this at the 99¢ Only store? If I were to guess, I’d say it was a new product launch that failed because the name “Good Morenings” just looks weird. What was wrong with “Good Mornings” spelled correctly as God Himself intended? “Mega Pack” at the top already tells us that we’re getting an enormous amount of frosted flakes. And even if we missed that, the box is gigantic!
Rice Dream Rice Nog
Are you kidding me?! Cartons and cartons of Rice Nog for 99¢ Only, available in late April? I’m glad I brought the pickup!
Hasbro My 3D Viewer
Judging by the quantity of these Viewmaster-shaped 3D viewers (which you attach to your iPhone or iPod) that cluttered up the aisles at a bunch of 99¢ Only stores, someone at Hasbro thought this was going to be the next Cabbage Patch Kid. I imagine that person is now out of a job.
Ritz Crackerfuls
Ya hungry? How about peanut butter & chocolate on a crisp Ritz cracker! Or classic cheddar cheese on a crisp Ritz cracker! Everything tastes great when it sits on a Ritz, and when I tell you these elongated Ritz dealies go for about $3 at the regular grocery store, you’ll join me in shaking your head in delighted disbelief and saying, “Mmm-mm! Good cracker, good cracker!”
Musco Family Olive Co. Mediterranean Pearls Garlic Stuffed Queen Olives
99¢ Only for a jar of garlic-clove stuffed olives: Oh, big deal, you say – until you realize these aren’t those nefarious olives imported from mysterious China steeped in a toxic brine of formaldehyde and terracotta warrior dust where you’re just as likely to pluck out an unfortunate factory worker’s eyeball from the jar as you are a withered olive! No sir, these are big, delicious, California-grown olives! And at 99¢ Only for seven ounces, you can afford to pop ’em on all five of your fingers as seen in the company’s logo. (Or all three of your fingers if you’re a one-eyed former Chinese factory worker).
Chicken of the Sea Coastal Cuisine
99¢ Only on a product with $1 off coupon?! They’re literally paying us to take these things! Or they would be if 99¢ Only stores accepted coupons.The process required to cook these products is far too complicated – since here in the 21st century we’re all used to Rosie the Robot punching up something on the Foodarackacycle for us – and surely doomed them to the 99¢ Only store. That’s unfortunate, because they’re really pretty good. To prepare: Take both pouches out of the box, tear open the top of each half-way, add 2-1/2 tablespoons water to the rice pouch, put both pouches in the microwave on high for 60 seconds, then tear off the tops of both pouches completely, pour the contents into the handy box they came in (or a “plate,” there, Mr. Fancy Pants!), mix ’em up and eat. You, what, six regulars followed that no problem. I lost everyone else at the “Jetsons” reference.
California Gold Prune Juice
If you’re like me, and you are, you buy prune juice for one reason. This stuff does the trick, so why pay three times as much for the big name brand in a regular grocery store? I enjoy mine in a vintage early 1970s Apollo 13 juice glass as it reminds me of my youth – I’d have a great big helping right before leaving for school when we had Field Day. Believe me, there’s little that’ll motivate you faster across the 50-yard dash finish line than that tell-tale rumbling. I was good at the sack race, too, until the year I fell down – my lower body being mostly concealed in a burlap bag was both a blessing and a curse. Sadly, I could never get a partner for the three-legged race, but I know we would’ve taken first place as long as whoever I was tied to understood that all important stride/clench rhythm.
Jans Escargots
“In brine, ready to serve hot,” “high protein & low fat,” “perfectly cooked.” What more do you need to know? Besides, that should be plenty to keep your mind off the fact that you’re eating the same thing that crawls up the vinyl siding by your front door after a rain.
Mattel Apptivity Angry Birds & Fruit Ninja
I neither own an iPad nor had any interest in downloading the apps you’d need to play with these toys, but I couldn’t say no to King Pig and Sensei figures for 99¢ Only.
Then I realized they’re essentially Happy Meals toys, which we all stopped buying when we grew up back in our mid-30s.
Kraft Roka Blue Brand Spread
They still make this stuff?! you ask, incredulously. According to Kraft’s website, they do indeed – this and four other flavors, throwbacks to the 60s all, and each still sold in its own tiny 5-ounce jar that, once emptied of its cheese spread contents, became little juice glasses that your grandmother couldn’t bear to throw away, having lived through the Depression.Believe it or not, I ran out of crisp Ritz crackers, so what you see above is Roka Blue spread atop Ritz’s cheap Mexican ripoff, a “Tosta.” Mmm-mm! Cracker bueno, cracker bueno!
Ritz or Tosta, the cracker is unnecessary – this stuff is good enough to eat right out of the jar with your finger. Or in this case, my finger.
Wish Bone Balsamic Vinaigrette
Your choice: 99¢ Only for 16 ounces of basamic vinaigrette dressing from the private label brand you’ve never heard of – or for 36-ounces from the national name brand you’ve trusted and enjoyed since you were a baby?
Nabisco Lorna Doone Shortbread Cookies
Like you, I always thought Lorna Doone was a stupid name for a cookie. Even when I took AP English in kindergarten and discovered it was named after a 1869 romance novel that takes place two centuries earlier, it only made me wonder what the hell the cookie-naming team at Nabisco was smoking when they came up with that one (I said as much to Miss Hamilton, and was made to sit in the corner and miss snack that day).For that reason alone I hated Lorna Doones as a child, and believe me, they were the last cookies eaten from that Nabisco sampler collection box (with the red wax paper lining and the brown VacuForm tray with individual cookie-slots, remember?).
But a funny thing happened since then: I had me some ‘Doones again, and by Godfrey, as an adult, they’re delicious. And they’re quite a deal for 99¢ Only: Two of the 5-ounce packs will set you back just a couple of bucks at the 99¢ Only store – but buy them in their standard 10-ounce package at a regular supermarket…
…and you’ll be strapped for cash so fast you might as well take Henry Winkler up on that reverse-mortgage deal he keeps going on about, and shame on him.
99 thanks for creating the 99¢ Only store, Dave, and may you rest in peace!
And I’m sure that your successor – whoever he may be! – shares your unique vision to ensure the chain’s continued success!
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A Trip to Dollar USA!
LIKE you, I do most of my dollar store shopping at the 99¢ Only store and Dollar Tree.
But when the opportunity arises to visit another dollar store, oh boy, count me in! Don’t think me disloyal to the Big Two, as you like to call them. But you just can’t get everything you need there. So I was particularly excited when I found myself in the Southbay recently and came across this treasure trove of discounted delights:
First item on my list: Salt & pepper shakers. Yes, I know, both Dollar Tree and 99¢ Only sell them, but they don’t carry a brand I trust.
But Homebee Cook? That’s right up there with Rubbermaid. But even Rubbermaid can’t be bothered to put their brand name in a fan-made freeware Disney-esque font. That’s why Homebee Cook gets all my salt shaker business. Yours too now, I reckon!
And speaking of kitchen storage, I’d been looking for one of them new type store boxes, dere. You know, to store stuff. Not one of them old ones. A new type store box, sure.
Perfect. I can mark that off my list!
I don’t know if it’s a mid-life crisis or if I’m bipolar or what, but lately there have been times when my life just feels as empty as my walls.
Not any more, brother! With this set of three press adhesive bond type hooks, I’m guaranteed a better life! And, hell, if that doesn’t work, nails have been thoughtfully included that I can drive into my skull for a self-lobotomy!
We could all stand to lose a few pounds, am I right, gang? And for a buck, this waist trimmer is one hell of a better deal than Marco, that stupid trainer at my gym who charges fifty bucks an hour and asks that I shower before our appointments.
I’ll shower when and if I want now that I’ve got Waist Trimmer. I trust it ! It’s already making me Beauty Healthy just like the gal on the package!
These Loving Gloves saved our marriage! I bought a pair for Marisol to wear and now I don’t have to wait for her to down her usual six-pack of Smirnoff Ice and accompanying Jager shots before she’s comfortable touching me. Plus they’re made of latex and I don’t have to tell you what that does to me…!
And look at the girl on the box with the enormous fivehead. I’m glad to see Mena Suvari’s still getting work.
As I’ve discussed here before, I desperately wanted a boy but Marisol wanted a girl. She won the first round by manifesting the baby’s gender in her womb (though I suspect the dark arts of Santería had something to do with it). But once she popped the kid out, I started gaining ground by giving my little bundle of joy an androgynous name and raising Vojtek as a transgender. (They’re very trendy right now!)
Here’s the next step:
I got “him” these! They’re girls’ boxers, if there is such a thing (There’s not, I looked it up!) yet the label features the masculine, unlicensed countenance of Spongebob Squarepants.
Oh, they may say they’re for girls, but a closeup of the tag reveals the subliminally hidden truth:
Ah ha! Boys briefs! I knew it! I’ll have little Vojtek identifying as a male by the time we enroll him in kindergarten next year.
Finally, it’s my old Italian barber Nuncio’s birthday next week. And what do you get the barber who has everything?
How about a Japanese fighting fish swimming in Barbicide! Done!
Yes sir, my trip to Dollar USA has been a magnificent experience. Why, if they weren’t selling these there, I’d have bought one elsewhere, and presented them with it.
…on behalf of me and the Committee of Awards, that is.
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¿What’s Bueno? Clinere Ear Cleaners!
Finally! An ear cleaner to get excited about, if we’re to believe the manufacturer’s punctuation!
I was thrilled to find these Clinere Ear Cleaners! at the 99¢ Only store the other day. Not only do the “soft flexible plastic” items remove wax, provide itch relief and (thank God!) exfoliate the outer skin surfaces of the ear, they’re made in America!
But most importantly, they’re personal ear cleaners!
And you know what that means!
No more waiting in line to use the public ear cleaner!
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¿What’s Bueno? Glutino Corn Bread Stuffing!
LIKE YOU, I have little time for all this “gluten-free” nonsense we’ve all been subjected to over the last few years.
In fact, I blogged about it at delightfully ponderous length back when my blog was still in its infancy. That was two years ago, and as I predicted then, gluten-free products have since gone the way of the dinosaur, the Edsel, the Disney Princess Jewelberry Pop-Tart.
Indeed, such products were just another silly Big Grocery trend an idiotic public briefly embraced, like panini bread, dulce-de-leche flavored anything (known here in America as “caramel,” thank you very much!), and tampered bottles of acetaminophin pain relievers, all of which were eventually discontinued.
Which explains why this stuff ended up – where else? – at the 99¢ Only store!
And by “stuff” I mean stuff…ing.
Now, of course, I didn’t try it – why would I? But even if there was some call for gluten-free products in the marketplace, I’m not sure a product called “Glutino Sans Gluten Free Mélange á Farce Corn Bread Stuffing” would have lasted much longer.
“Farce” is right!
First of all, they seem to be telling us they’re a gluten-free family of products, but their name brand – “Glutino” – sounds like it’s nothing but gluten. That’s like telling me that you’re allergic to spaghetti and then I fix you a great big bowl of Spaghettios.
Well, it’s not quite like that, I suppose. But there’s something there. I mean, for God’s sake, they’re celebrating the word “gluten” like it’s a positive attribute. And it is – we both know gluten is delicious, but they’re part of the anti-gluten lobby. You…you see what I’m getting at, don’t you?
Next, the product description: “Sans Gluten Free Stuffing.” Okay, it’s gluten-free, I guess. And according to them, that’s good. But wait – it says “sans” at the beginning, which means “without.” Which means it’s gluten-free stuffing without…I don’t know, the gluten-free aspect of it…? The double negatives cancel each other out…I think. So now it’s not gluten-free? Hell, if that were the case, I might have bought some!
It’s not just me, right? They could have made this a lot clearer. The brand, the product name – it’s all incredibly confusing. And I’m not even touching on the bilingual aspect of it, which I know infuriates you even more than it does me.
So that’s why this is our What’s Bueno at the 99¢ Only Store Item of the Week. Well, actually, my attorney telling me not to piss off any large multinational corporations is why. Have you tried this Glutino stuffing? Delicious! Good stuff!
Wow, I’ve come a long way in two years, haven’t I? Today’s posts have a definite economy of style not present in my earlier work. Short, concise, to-the-point!
Streamlined, brother! Positively streamlined!
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58 Energy Shots You Need To Ingest, Just For God’s Sake, Not All At Once! Part 2 In A Series!
ENERGY shots!
What would this blog be without them? The Ted Parsnips Web Design Team practically lives on them, I use them to write when my own creativity and my bottle of gin have both run dry, and heaven knows you, what, six readers probably need them to get through some of my longer, head-scratchingly abstruse posts where there’s some vague hope I’ll eventually get to the point.
As a public service to you, the reader, I’m going to review 58 of these babies or die trying! Sure, my physician has warned me it’ll probably be the latter. But man, what a legacy to leave behind, right?
Rx Energy Fast Shot
Price: 99¢ only at 99¢ Only Store
Calories: 10
Vitamin B12: 500mcg / 8,333% RDA
Flavors: Green Tea
Before: Lethargic.
After: Enthusiastically reorganizing your sock drawer alphabetically.Packaged to resemble a miniature Arizona Iced Tea container, Rx Energy Fast Shot is one of the weaker energy shots out there, but still has a bit of a pick-me-up, and it tastes vaguely like prune juice – bonus! Peel off the plastic label and onlookers could easily mistake it for a tiny, airplane bottle of booze, so why not down a few while driving in heavy, slow-moving traffic? “The joke’s on you, officer – this isn’t alcohol! It’s a natural green tea energy shot! …That? Yeah, well, that’s a crack pipe.”
ON GO Energy
Price: 99¢ only at the 99¢ Only store
Calories: 5
Vitamin B12: 500 mcg / 8333% RDA
Flavors: Grape, Fruit Punch, Pomegranate Blueberry, (and, not shown) Lemon Lime, Berry Blast, Mandarin Orange
Before: Nodding off.
After: Getting the dog up on his hind legs by holding a paw in each hand and dancing with him while singing “In a Mountain Greenery” and the dog’s wagging his tail but whining and gently biting your hands because he doesn’t like being on his hind legs while being waltzed around the living room – not even to his favorite Lorenz Hart tune.ON GO is one of a handful of brands that I always see at 99¢ Only. They get points from me for having not one, not two, but six flavors, and they’re actually pretty distinct. My favorite, and now yours, is Lemon Lime, which tastes like the melted, concentrated res•i•due you suck out of a spent green Fla•Vor•Ice sleeve.
Energy 2000
Price: 99¢ at Walgreens
Calories: 0
Vitamin B12: 500mcg / 8,333% RDA
Flavors: Grape
Before: Listless.
After: Surprising your girlfriend by duct-taping all of the ATM receipts in your wallet into that damned scrapbook she’s always trying to get you to work on with her.Just how powerful is Energy 2000’s “energy blend”? It’s so strong that its natural and artificial grape flavors are no match for its medicine-y taste. And much like that Ecuadorian cab driver who said he could safely shuttle me from the Valley to LAX in time for my flight, the bottle likewise earned my trust by promising “No crash!”
Well, we’re off! A fine, auspicious start to this new blog feature, you’ll agree! Depending on how you look at it – whether you count brands, images, or flavors – I’ve reviewed eight, five, or three energy shots, and have only fifty, fifty-three, or fifty-five more to go. It’s a race against time! Can I review them all before my spleen gives out and/or some asshole at Cracked steals the premise and somehow manages to come up with copy that’s even less entertaining?
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58 Energy Shots You Need To Ingest, Just For God’s Sake, Not All At Once! Part 1 In A Series!
WE’VE ALL SEEN the commercials. Probably. You’re running low on energy and then you take an energy shot and then you have energy. But are all energy shots created equal? Pretty much, but for purposes of blog content, absolutely not. So, uh, let’s take a look at a bunch of them that I bought, huh?
Also, can’t you just see the above image in enormous poster form tacked up on your dorm room wall? It can be, for only $10. Simply send me $10…and then print it out really big as a poster if you can do that somehow. Voila!
So let’s get started! As with any sort of comparison review sort of thing, we need a control. Here’s the control:
5-hour Energy
Price: $4.43 for a 2-pack at Walmart
Calories: 4
Vitamin B12: 500 mcg / 8333% RDA
Flavors: Pomegranate, Grape, Berry, Orange, Lemon-Lime
Before: Pooped.
After: Peppy!5-hour Energy is our control on account of it started this whole energy shot craze thing. And it’s the gold standard, brother. It works.
That is, unless you’re utterly beat when you take it. That’s the trick: All energy shots are much less effective if you take them when you’re already exhausted. If you’re completely run down, then it’s too late. You missed the boat! Call it a night, pal, because you’re finished. Show’s over. Pack it on in! Hit the road, Jack! Throw in the towel! Goodnight, Irene! And, eh…so on. You need to take them before or at the very latest, when you’re just starting to slow down and you know you’ve got a bunch of crap to do before you go to bed.
As for the taste: as you’ll see in the days, weeks, and months ahead as I somehow manage to drag this piece out for what seems like an eternity, many of these shots come in different flavors and in most cases – not all! – the flavors are irrelevant. Most taste pretty similar – an overall tangy, sweet, and slightly medicine-y taste unsuccessfully masked by a mild fruit flavor. I don’t even have a favorite 5-hour Energy flavor. Hell, they’re all fine and the overall taste isn’t unpleasant to begin with.
So then, let’s get started, shall we? …Tomorrow.
Tomorrow: Ted reviews the first three! What do you care, you won’t be back. Prove me wrong, folks.
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¿What’s Bueno? Lingerie!
FORGET Fredericks of Hollywood! That’s a freeway drive away! And you know what traffic is like here in LA!
Ditto Victoria’s Secret! Who wants to go to a mall?!
Here’s Ted’s secret: Buy your lingerie at the 99¢ Only store and save-save-save! Don’t worry! Now it’s our secret!
Sure, I’d passed the lingerie section of the 99¢ Only store countless times over the years with nary a glance as any perfectly reasonable person – man, woman or, whaddaycall, transwhosis – would do, but a few weeks ago I finally noticed it when I’d picked up a leaking bottle of Tampico punch and I needed to wipe my sticky hands on something.
Bras, thongs, panties – it’s all here, brother, and it’s all under a buck! And name brands, too – like Rampage!
Incidentally, that’s just what your wife is going to go on when she finds out you bought her anniversary gift in a store that also sells pints of spoiled, about-to-explode salsa! For 99¢ Only!
Boy, that’d be an anniversary to remember, huh? “Honey, let’s stay in for our special night. I swung by 99¢ Only and picked up some hot salsa that sat in the ‘bring-me-backs’ basket at the register for two days before it was put back in the refrigerator. And after we polish that off, you can put on this white lace thong.”
But if underthings that look like they were fashioned out of leftover scraps from the floor of the factory that makes the vinyl doily table runners (housewares, two aisles over), aren’t her (or your) thing, try these on for size!
Va-va-va-voom!
Cute, romantic little words and phrases such as “love,” “sweet,” “believe,” “imagine” and, eh, “keep the peace” are printed all over this pair. If your girlfriend says she loves them, that you’re sweet for thinking of her by buying unmentionables at the dollar store, I imagine she’s just trying to keep the peace…but I believe you’ve found yourself a keeper. Marry her now! Confidential to your girlfriend: Run! Run far, far away!
Hey! Let’s talk Lady’s Bras!
Why pay an astronomical $7.95 elsewhere for the same Lady’s Bra they’ve got here for, yes, 99¢ Only!
And what if 34C – the one size available – isn’t quite a snug fit?
Well, then! It’s off to the 99¢ Only store’s mortal enemy Dollar Tree…
…where you’ll pick up a a couple of these adjustable doohickeys to make up the difference.
Now don’t you wish I had posted all this information last month, before Valentine’s Day?
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¿What’s Bueno? Planter’s NUT•rition Peanut Butter!
Sweet pickled radicchio! Do my eyes deceive me?! Look what’s at the 99¢ Only store – peanut butter!
And not just any peanut butter, but high-end, name-brand, fancy peanut butter! Faaaaaaancy peanut butter!
From Planters! The peanut people!
New! says the label! Planters NUT•rition Energy Mix Berry Nut and Cinnamon Raisin Granola Nut peanut butter. Twelve ounces for 99¢ only. Who could say no to that? You could?
Well, what if I pointed out that the lid is green? And this isn’t your father’s green! Back in the old days, a green lid on a jar of peanut butter meant it was either lime-flavored peanut butter or menthol light peanut butter or an open case of peanut butter was back in the stockroom when the maintenance crew put a fresh coat of spray paint on the cardboard baler!
No, today, green implies healthy and/or recycled! I’m going out on a limb here and presume that, even though I bought this at the 99¢ Only store, this isn’t recycled peanut butter so that leaves only one other possibility: healthy! You’d pay 99¢ only for a jar of healthy peanut butter, wouldn’t you?
Of course you would! We all would!
How exactly is it healthy? I’m glad you asked! It’s got Mr. Peanut using his cane to mime a golf swing on the label, and it’s from Planters NUT•rition line of products – which is a play on the word “nutrition.” Could it be any more healthy?
And that’s not all! It’s also got 10% copper! See?
Do you know how much copper sells for these days?!
…Neither do I, but I know it’d be a hell of a lot easier to buy a bunch of this stuff from the 99¢ Only store and smelt it down to the copper and peanut alloys (peanutium rises to the top) than to break into construction sites and vacant houses and steal all the copper wiring like we all did during the summers we were in college.
Here’s the Cinnamon Raisin Granola Nut version:
I tried some on a crisp Ritz cracker!
And then there’s this one, the Berry Nut type:
Which I also tried on a crisp Ritz cracker. Mmm-mm! Good cracker! Good cracker!
As you know, everything tastes great when it sits on a Ritz, but the first one – the granola one – it was just a little bit better. Crunchy, it was. And not crunchy like chunky peanut butter. Really crunchy, like there was granola made of rice in there, which there was. Who the hell makes granola out of rice? you ask. Apparently Planters does. Don’t argue, it gives it a nice crunch.
Tired? Need a quick pick-me-up without the crash? Toss those cans of Monster M-80 in the garbage, you’re going to chug a peanut butter sandwich! Yes, that’s right – these are “Energy Mix” peanut butters.
Like a peanut butter adrenaline shot directly to the heart, they are! Christ almighty I hope you’re not allergic to peanut butter!
Oh, by the way, if you are allergic to peanut butter, and, by extension, peanuts…?
Or even peanut, singular, I guess.
Anyway, there ya go: Planters NUT•rition Energy Mix Peanut Butter (contains: peanut) is what’s bueno at the 99¢ Only store today. But it won’t be for long, because every jar they had (and they had a lot of them) had a best-by date of somewhere around the third week of February. And folks, we’re there now.
Now that’s not to say that they won’t continue to carry them long past the best-by date. Good heavens, no – this is the 99¢ Only store we’re talking about, after all! I’m just saying that maybe they won’t be as bueno, say, fourteen months down the road as they are today.
Ted Parsnips
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