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¿What’s Bueno? ¡Salsa Botchalisma!
What’s bueno at the 99¢ Only store? This salsa! The one on the left, of course! I put it next to the one on the right so that you might, whaddayacall, compare and contrast! So that you might compare and contrast the concave and convex!
It looks like someone was asleep at the ol’ el switcho at the salsa factorio, they accidentally overfilled it, and it’s ready to burst at the seams! Someone’s going to make out like a bandito – lucky bastard!
Anyway, after I found that, I found this:
Pretty cool for a buck, huh? A couple of flocked pictures with six markers to color ’em in. But that’s not what’s so amazing. The name is!
Let’s go in for a closeup, hmm?
Can you believe it? Velvet Doodles! Yes – you remember! That was my name when I used to host Karaoke Tuesdays at The Leather Anvil in Silverlake! That is, until the ol’ ball-and-chain made me quit because it interfered with her damn softball league night.
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¿What’s Bueno at the 99¢ Only Store? ¡Radicchio!
Sweet pickled radicchio! Do my eyes deceive me?! Look what’s at the 99¢ Only store – sweet pickled radicchio!
Yes, “sweet pickled radicchio” may sound like the sort of expletive that someone in a comic book would sputter, but it exists! It exists, and it’s at the 99¢ Only store!
Joe’s Premium Sweet Pickled Radicchio it’s called, and it’s from the good folks at J. Marchini Farms, grown right here in California (unlike most of the “food” sold at the 99¢ Only store which is imported from China – a country where even potatoes are made from some sort of plastic polymer).
(And by the way, my attorney would like me to add that everything the 99¢ Only store sells is delicious and good to eat, even the detergents and cleaning prod– No? Okay, just the food.)
Sweet Pickled Radicchio, am I easily distracted or what!
Anyway, the label tells me that radicchio was first written about by Pliny the Elder as an aid to digestion, and that I can try it on pizzas, sandwiches, or crackers.
So I did – I tried it on a crisp Ritz cracker.
Mmmm-mm! Good cracker, good cracker!
Oh, and the radicchio was nice, too.
Pickling radicchio sweetly may seem odd, because radicchio naturally has a bitter taste. And this radicchio, though sweetly pickled, still has that sharp bite to it. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. But despite the label further stating that “Now you can enjoy radicchio every day” it’s unlikely you’re going to take them up on that. Unless enjoying radicchio every day is something you’ve been aspiring to do – perhaps a new year’s resolution, some sort of wager with a friend, an item on your bucket list, hell, I don’t know.
In that case – sweet pickled radicchio! – you’re in luck!
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A Window to the Past!
As you’ve probably read in the news, a fellow name of Anton Orlov recently bought an old camera in an antique shop and while cleaning his purchase, found a bunch of negatives in the film chamber that date back to around World War I! Amazing!
But if you think that’s something, how about this:
I was in Goodwill the other day where I found an ancient digital camera. It was of course overpriced so I scraped off the price tag with my fingernail and replaced it with one from a chipped coffee mug that was much more reasonable. Then I paid for it and brought home my find!
Imagine my surprise and delight when I connected it to my computer and it started automatically uploading pictures! Among them was this image of a 1910s forerunner to the 99¢ Only store!
Ha! Ha ha ha! No, I’m kidding! Turns out this is a regular 99¢ Only Store today in 2013, only the light in the second ‘9’ is out!
But what a fun way to start off your week, right?
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You 你说 Potato and I 我说 Potahto
I was at Dollarama recently and I came across a delightfully enormous facing (industry term) of these things:
Like you’d be, I was all “Potato?”
First of all, what were they? Secondly, why were there so many of them here? And thirdly, “Potato?”
Upon closer inspection, I got the answer to my first question:
They’re little two-handled plastic drinking cups for very small children, complete with measuring marks on the back.
As to my second question, why were there so many of them – when you or I, back in our retail days, would have maybe put out two or free facings of these things, leaving room for other merchandise? The best answer I can come up with for that one is…well, this is Reseda we’re talking about. People, eh, tend to have, um, a lot of babies around here. Perhaps these cups are a hot item.
However my third query – “Potato?” – still had me stumped. So I looked up the manufacturer online, hoping for some answers. I got them!
That’s presumably the happy young couple, Mr. and Mrs. Wang, up there with their baby. Their brand story is, you’ll agree, a fascinating and inspiring one:
In year 1990, Mr. and Mrs. Wang have entered into the field of baby products production and development. At that time, there are only few baby products manufacturer in China, especially in baby bottle and nipple production. Because of the lack of technical knowledge, the quality in preliminary market is grievously. In order to supply baby with a safe and healthy growth environment, Mr. Wang, as a technical expert, research for several days and nights, breach the technical difficulties.
You’ll agree with me we’re all very fortunate that Mr. Wang didn’t give up in the fight against grievously, in his quest for perfection, after just one day and night but put his nose to the grindstone for several.
Mr. and Mrs. Wang chose Japan Shin-Etsu Company as our long-term nipple material supplier, South Korea Samsung Total as a reliable PP material supplier, and then in year 2000, create the brand “POTATO”. Brand “Potato” now has been the symbol of high quality in both domestic market and oversea market.
It’s true. Forget Evenflo, Playtex, Gerber – today the benchmark for high quality baby products is Potato.
So that’s the Potato story. But it doesn’t end there because as you surmised from reading the above, the manufacturer, Aqin Plastics, has a whole line of Potato products. Or, perhaps more accurately, a whole field of Potato products:
Look, if you’re going to stuff your Maidenform with spuds, you’ll want something to prevent chafing.
Not only is it safe and convenience for mohter, but unlike those purely ornamental breast pumps, this one works!
Wow, they’ve sure come a long way from the potato pacifiers Nana told me she used to suck on as a toddler when her parents were working the zemiakov fields outside Prague. These don’t have any dirt or roots on them.
Funny coincidence: the fellas at the gym call me “Potato Nipples” due to the combination of my gynecomastia and an unfortunate condition marked by small knobby protuberances and dry, discolored skin – and let me tell you, brother, I wish my nipples looked as good (or were as pliable) as the one up there.
And that sampling’s just the tip of the potatoberg, to coin a phrase. For bushels more of great Potato baby products, visit their flagship store, the Potato T-Mall, right here online!
Who knew that a time-killing visit to Dollarama in Reseda while I was having my oil changed would result in a virtual trek halfway ’round the world, where I, and now you, would learn about one Chinese man, his wife, their little Wang-baby and a shared dream for “honest reputation,quality first,customers first,excellence” and “go better and better in future.”
I think Mr. Wang said it best when he summed up his Potato brand philosophy with this:
Because of the baby, life becauses more beautiful…Life sundently full of sunshine&laughter.
Truer words were never spoken.
…”Potato?”
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What’s 33% Less Bueno at The Dollar Tree!
LIKE YOU, I enjoy a good factory-made, individually wrapped brownie. To that end, Mrs. Freshley’s fits the bill fine, just fine! Hers are a joy for the tongue, they’re easy on the wallet, and most importantly, like most pre-packaged, ready-to-eat factory brownie slabs, they have the density of a white dwarf – a delicious, chocolatey white dwarf!
Mrs. Freshley doesn’t play favorites, either – you can find her wares at both your local Dollar Tree and your local 99¢ Only Store.
And here’s something new she’s done! Look! Look!
Well, I know I speak for all budget-minded consumers everywhere when I say, “It’s about goddamned time!”
I can’t tell you how often I’ve groused about the unwieldy, cumbersome, yes, inconvenient six-brownie box Mrs. Freshley used to foist on us!
What the hell was she thinking?
Six brownies?!
Who does she think I’m packing lunches for here, the Brady Bunch? What in God’s name am I – is anyone – going to do with half a dozen brownies?
And let’s not even get into my bad back and my sciatica and all the extra stress it puts on my knees, plodding painfully through the dollar store lugging a box weighted down with two extra brownies, trying desperately not to scream out in agony with every step I take! Let’s not even mention that! Sheesh!
Anyway, all that’s behind us, thank goodness, with this Convenient 4 Count Size.
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¿What’s Bueno? Kitchen Keepers EZ Egg Cook!
SAW these at Dollar Tree recently.
These are knockoffs of those As Seen on TV “Eggies” that one uses to hard boil eggs. (Or “hard cook,” if you’re British.)
Here, though, they’re sold singly. But since the original “Eggies” come six to a box, you’ll probably save money buying them at your local Dollar Tree. Even if you find a good deal online for “Eggies” (And I know you’re looking for a good deal on “Eggies.” In this economy, who isn’t?), even if you find a good deal online for “Eggies,” you still have to pay some inflated shipping price.
“Uh, yeah, Ted, whatever. I think we’re fine hard-boiling [or hard-berling, if you’re from 1950s Brooklyn] eggs as we’ve always done. But, uh, yeah, thanks for the tip.”
Oh, don’t be such a jackass!
Look, I’m no shill for Dollar Tree items (usually, it’s stuff from the 99¢ Only Store!), but in this case, I think I should point out why you need these things, if only by drawing attention to the egg bullet-pointed benefits on the front of the package:
Right on your stove top! No more chasing eggs all around the electric wok with your wife’s hair dryer when you suddenly get a hankering for a Cobb salad! No longer will you have to squeeeeze those eggs into the toaster while hoping – hoping! – the shells will hold! (They never do!)
Thank God! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had my Bedazzler all ready to go and just as I’m about to attach a few rhinestones, my egg will slip right out of the vice, roll off the work bench, and down on the ground where it ends up covered in wood shavings or sprinkles (depending on whether I was last working on my boat or decorating cupcakes).
Hours of peeling – suddenly gone! The days of getting up at four a.m. to get started on the egg salad for lunch are over!
Your choice is clear! Buy these egg things!
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Experience the Joy of Giving Something Better!
TWICE over the past two weeks, I’ve been asked by a Dollar Tree cashier if I’d like to buy a toy for one dollar to donate to Operation Homefront. As you yourself would do – perhaps as you have done – both times I’ve said yes and the cashier has added the cost to my purchase.
Still, I’m left with the thought that these are Dollar Tree toys. Have you been through the toy aisle at Dollar Tree?
Look! Look!
It’s almost all cheap plastic junk made in China, blister-packed to cards and hung on pegs. And at Dollar Tree, famously, “Everything’s A Dollar.” Whaddaya expect for a buck – a freakin’ Furby?!
These toys are going to the children of military families. Can’t we do any better than Dollar Tree toys?
I have an idea, Dollar Tree: Keep doing what you’re doing, sort of. Your heart is in the right place. Your cashers will continue to ask us if we want to purchase a toy for the child of a military family for a dollar, we’ll say yes, they’ll pick up some chintzy piece of crap from a basket on the counter there and drop it into the donation box. Fine.
Now here’s the trick: After the store closes each night, Dollar Tree, you have your people fish all that junk out of the donation box, put it all back in the basket on the register (so it’s ready for the next day), and then take all the money you collected for the purchase of these toys…and buy those kids something decent from Toys “R” Us!
Or if not Toys “R” Us, then Big Lots! Sheesh! It’s a step up, albeit a small one.
They’ve got all those Your First Babies that aren’t exactly flying off the shelves and are going to be headed to the Landfill of Misfit Toys if they don’t start moving soon.
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¿What’s Bueno? ¡Jesus Christ!
WOW.
Potentially the most bueno items offered in the 99¢ Only Store ever.
It’s Jesus. Playing soccer. In a soccer outfit and His robe.
And then there’s this one:
It’s hard to see, but Jesus is carrying a semi-automatic rifle at his side.
When Jesus Christ is depicted hiding an M16 in the folds of his robe, it would seem that somewhere along the way, His gentle message of peace has been misinterpreted.
Also available was this figure:
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Well, I–”
“I’ll tell you why. We have a helmet law in this state. Not a ‘crown-of-thorns’ law. A helmet law. You think that thing’s going to protect you when you plow into the back of a bingo bus at sixty miles an hour?”Others available in the series included Jesus as a football player, a bullrider, a homeless man, a skateboarder, and a rock climber. He’s wearing his robe in each one, which to me, would seem to get in the way. But without the robe and crown of thorns (removable!), how would you know it’s Him?
Here’s the one that went home with me:
I don’t surf but for 99¢ only, you don’t have to surf to appreciate something as exquisite as this.
The level of detail on these figures was surprisingly high.
It’s a nice touch that Jesus has his own logo, and it’s not only on his surfboard…
…but also on his wetsuit.
It should be noted that these figures were not intended as goofs, as jokes, as ironic action figures. I did some reading on them and it seems the creator (of the figures, not the Creator) looks at them as a way of telling people that Jesus is always with you, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing.
That’s a comforting thought in theory.
But if Jesus loses his grip, He’ll just ascend right up to Heaven. If you slip and let go, you may do the same thing eventually, but you’re going to hit the rocks below first.
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What’s Bueno: Taco Bell Home Originals!
“SURE, I like Taco Bell food,” we’ve all of us said, “but driving to Taco Bell, sitting in the car, talking to that impersonal squawk box, and then having to reach out the window to grab the bag – really, who has time for all that hassle?!”
Then along came Taco Bell Home Originals – “Taco Bell” because it’s made by the good folks at Taco Bell, “Home” because that’s where you prepare it, and “Originals” because evidently it was Opposite Day in the marketing department when they decided on a name.
And what could be easier? Just go to the 99¢ Only Store, pick up a box of Taco Bell Home Originals (in this case “Cheesy Double Decker Taco Dinner”), ground beef, lettuce, tomatoes and sour cream. (I suppose this really is a “Home Original” because the restaurant version includes refried beans though the picture on the box above does not. But you’re already in the store, so you can pick up a can of those, too.)
By the way, you’re going to have to drop by the supermarket as well: Many 99¢ Onlys now sell some produce and dairy products but sadly, fresh ground beef hasn’t yet made it to their hallowed and discounted aisles. Someday…!
Once you get home, it’s time to roll up your sleeves and get to work – browning the beef, washing the tomatoes and lettuce, and respectively dicing and shredding them. Better get those refried beans out of the can and into a small pot on the stove. Now lay down your tortillas, open up that nacho cheese sauce packet and squeeze away, brother! Ooh, don’t forget to stir the beans! Next, simply place a hard taco shell on each tortilla, wrap it around – careful now, that cheese sauce gets everywhere! And be gentle, friend! Too hard and you’ll snap the two shells that weren’t already a jigsaw puzzle of sharp, broken shards when you opened the box.
Time to start spooning in the ground beef (you remembered to drain it, right?), dolloping on some sour cream, and adding lettuce and a sprinkling of diced tomatoes. Wait, what’s that burning smell?! Oh, no – the beans! Surely you’ll be able to salvage a tablespoon or so of them. Eh…except they were supposed to go on the tortillas with the cheese. Ah well. Next time, right?
How you’ll chuckle to yourself as you think about the plight of those poor suckers sitting in the drive-thru line down the street as you prepare this fun and delicious homemade Taco Bell meal, and then again later as you clean up the kitchen and do all those dishes. (Better let the refried bean pot soak overnight.) Oh, and remember to stop at the ATM on the way to work tomorrow because somehow you’re out of cash.
Anyway, like me, you’re baffled how such an awesome product ended up at the 99¢ Only Store, but also like me, you’re sure glad it did.
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What’s Bueno: Liberté Yogurt!
AS YOU KNOW, one of the current food trends is Greek-style yogurt. Greek-style yogurt is currently trending. [Eugh.]
So when I saw these things at the 99¢ Only Store at two for 99¢ only…
…I knew I had to try them. Oh, sure, I act like I don’t care what other folks think, but the truth is, I’m very insecure. I need you, what, six people to know I’m eating the trendy foods.
Anyway, holy mother of God, this yogurt is the best yogurt in the history of yogurt! I’m not kidding! It’s amazing! Oh ho ho, let me tell you, brother – you have never tasted yogurt like this yogurt. It’s nectar of the gods, in yogurtal form. It’s-just-that-good!
I devoured it in a matter of mere seconds. This involved me darting my long, Gene Simmons-like tongue into every recess of the plastic receptacle so that not a bit, not a single beneficial bacteria culture of delicious yogurt was wasted. And as I was carrying the empty cup to the trash, I noticed this:
Total fat 18%! Saturated fat 37%! And sugars – 26 grams! For six lousy ounces! No wonder it tastes so good! It’s all fat mixed with heaping tablespoons of sugar, practically!
This changes everything!
…Oh screw it, who am I kidding? This changes nothing.
Well, maybe to offset this delicious taste treat, I’ll try and limit myself to just one of Marie Callender’s nutritious 16.5 ounce Creamy Parmesan Chicken Pot Pies for dinner tonight. Try.
Ted Parsnips
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