What’s Bueno: The Halloween Aisle

SURE, we’ve had some fun at the expensive of the 99¢ Only Store lately with some of their more questionable Halloween offerings, but let me tell you, brother, you could do a lot worse by shopping elsewhere for most of your spooky decorations and accessories.

Above: “Bloody Body Parts Decor,” the first and only time in history
that particular combination of words has been used together.

It seems over the last week or so, most 99¢ Only stores around here have really ramped up and revamped their Halloween aisles – they’re keeping them in tip-top shape, sure, and it seems that there’s always one employee stationed there, either restocking merchandise or just making sure everything is just-so. That’s saying a lot for a chain where it’s not unusual to find warm, unrefrigerated hot dogs ironically located next to bacteria-killing Wet Wipes. Which in itself is arguably scarier than anything you’ll find in the Halloween aisle, but I digress.

I’d have liked to take more photos of these aisles in all their macabre glory, but for some reason, 99¢ Only store employees get nervous when my expensive blogging camera comes out. However, I was able to snap a few on the sly.

Check out these cool glow-in-the-dark gloves.

Now you can look like one of my people with our hairy gorilla hands!

They also had skeleton gloves and skull-and-crossbones gloves. Meanwhile, emo and goth kids are paying probably $25 a pair for them at Hot Topic. Like idiots!

My favorite  items are these masks:

They cover your entire head like a ski mask and seem to be made out of nylon. Visibility through the fabric is pretty good, too.

While I’ve never seen these before, the concept somehow seems pretty old. Makes me wonder if before rubber and latex masks were so ubiquitous, stretchy fabric was the norm for goofy Halloween masks. Regardless, I bet we’ll start seeing more like this next year.

Here’s me as a vampire:

Obviously, there are limitations to these masks. You’re essentially putting a nylon stocking over your head, so it flattens everything out. From the side, I looked more like Voldemort than Dracula, and remember that’s with my big honking Slovak nose.

I think if these things become more popular, the manufacturers or designers will start to realize they need to make the eyes, nose and mouth smaller and position them so they fall generally on top of the wearer’s features to compensate for the way they stretch over a face. Above, Drac’s lower lip is down on my third (or fourth?) chin.

Frankenstein fared a bit better:

Oh, oh, pardon – Frankenstein’s monster! Sheesh!

You could probably put a foam or cardboard square on the top of your head and then slip the mask over it for that boxy monster head look. But as this is not a DIY blog, I am not legally required to show you how.

The masks don’t really cover up much below your chin, either, so your neck is exposed. Fortunately, I have no neck so it’s not a problem for me.

Here’s probably the best one:

You can see it in the package if you scroll up. This one they got right – they pushed all the features together to compensate for when it goes over a three-dimensional form, in this case my grotesquely misshapen noggin.

It even looks good from different angles:

The masks available were vampire, unlicensed Frankenstein’s monster, unlicensed Lurch (or zombie, really, but in the package he reminded me of Lurch), and pirate skull (not shown). I think they’re pretty cool for a buck, and now you do, too.

Another fun item they had were these bottle stickers:

You stick them over the real label of a bottle of  wine or some other beverage at your Halloween party and everyone has such a good laugh that they don’t care whether they’re drinking a 1996 Chateau La Mondotte Saint-Emilion or that “Two Buck Chuck” swill from Trader Joe’s – potentially saving you thousands of dollars .

While these are undeniably fun, the manufacturer doesn’t want any lawsuits:

They’ve noted along the bottom “THIS IS A NOVELTY LABEL AND DOES NOT GUARANTEE THE SAFETY OF THE CONTAINER CONTENTS.”

Wait, the label reads “poison.” And they’re saying it’s not poison, therefore it may not be safe…?  So it would presumably be safer to consume if it was poison…? I’m confused. I think I need a refill. Bartender, another glass of Zombie Virus, and this time make it a double!

Like you, I love lenticulars in general, but these…?

…These were particularly awesome.

On the left is a photo of a normal, everyday person. On the right is what you see if you look at it at jussst the right angle – a hideous ghoul!

There were maybe half a dozen different examples for purchase, and most of the (original) photos looked old. I couldn’t help wondering if these were just random photos the manufacturers found somewhere and decided to use. So that someone might have wandered into the 99¢ Only store, saw one, and said, “Why, that’s Great Uncle Melvin, and look at that, apparently he was one of the undead, which would explain a lot. Oh, sure, everyone said he was a ‘confirmed bachelor,’ but I knew there was more to the story!”

The images are about 5″ x 7″ and come in awful, flimsy vacuform frames. You’ll want to pull them out of those and put them into something a little more sturdy, for year ’round enjoyment.

Has there ever been any store, anywhere, that’s sold some Halloween merchandise and not advertised itself as being “Halloween Headquarters”…?!

There’s tons of other neat stuff at the 99¢ Only store – everything from whimsical bobbling owls to horrific bloody aprons – as well as – yes! – some real crap. But by and large, this jaded consumer was pretty impressed by their Halloween offerings.

What really blew me away, however, is when I walked into one store around eight-fifteen p.m. (whose location I won’t mention) just after a power outage in the area had plunged the store into near total darkness – and they were still letting people in! 

I was torn between stuffing my pockets with everything I could cram in there or staging a classic slip-and-fall and initiating an enormous lawsuit. In the spirit of the Halloween season, I did both.

Now, remember, for the depositions next week: You guys were there and even though it was so dark, you saw me go flying and fall on my ass when I slipped on a big puddle of some off-brand Mexican mayonesa.

And I’m going to take care of you for helping me out with this one. I managed to get out of there with like five packs of Zacky Chicken Franks in my cargo shorts. You like chicken franks, right?

Posted by Ted on October 27, 2012, 12:27 PM.

Crikey!

Confounds kids who fling their toys out of their cribs.

Posted by Ted on October 21, 2012, 3:13 AM.

What’s Bueno: Tasteless Unlicensed Michael Jackson Halloween Decor!

SURE, you could do your Michael Jackson-themed Halloween shopping at one of those overpriced and seasonal Halloween stores where packaging for Michael Jackson wigs feature an unsurprising non-African-American model…

Oh, how nice that Adam Lambert fellow is still getting work.
And he gets to tell friends “I’m working on a Michael Jackson project!”

Yes, you could buy officially-licensed (and expensive!) MJ stuff there…

But instead, why not head to your local 99¢ Only Store where this bony gentleman might greet you over over the registers at the entrance?

He’s available in the Halloween aisle for sale, too! For 99¢ Only!

Can we get a closeup of his head?

Awright, who’s the comedian?! The head of the decoration! Sheesh!

Posted by Ted on October 15, 2012, 1:57 PM.

Doggie Dress-Up!

HEY, how about this!

Not only does the 99¢ Only store have a pet section, and a Halloween costume section, but they also have a pet Halloween costume section!

And they’ve got today’s hottest styles, too – witch, ghost, angel, sexy plumber, pirate. All your favorites are here!

Here’s one now:

Here comes “Lil’ Princess” – and isn’t she adorable!

In the image above, “Lil’ Princess” is expressing (in stylish Comic Sans) a positive, holiday-appropriate sentiment.

I don’t buy it. I think we all know this is a little more accurate:

Speaking of euthanization, here’s another candidate for the rainbow bridge:

Sure, the animal doesn’t look unhappy, but it’s one of those noisy little rat dogs that no one likes and really has no reason for existence; you’ll agree that’s good enough for a one-way trip to Econo-Vet.

Of some concern to me, and now you, is why the “Brady Bunch” typeface is so popular on Halloween merchandise. Perhaps I’m showing my age, but I posit that whoever’s doing package design for dollar store product is too young to recognize it as anything other than a “fun” font. And frankly, that’s disturbing.

However, the most distressing aspect of the package is this:

Distressing not to you or I, of course. Distressing to the cats.

Those tense, uncomfortable looks of anxiety on their faces tell us they quickly went from “Ha ha ha! Only an idiotic, subservient dog would allow itself to be dressed in a costume!” to  “Wait – what did they say? Fits who also?!”

I ran this by Mr. Whiskers and he assured me that if I want to see unholy amounts of blood and gore this Halloween, there’s no reason to rent “The Hills Have Eyes.” I need only attempt to put such a costume on him, and be sure to pre-book a spot in line at the emergency room.

Ironically, they call this one “Best Friend”:

“Not after you make me wear this get-up in public,” Tuffy’s once trusting and now unforgiving eyes seem to say.

Here’s comes “My Baby”:

Presumably “I’m Unable and/or Not Allowed To Have Children Of My Own” didn’t fit on the back of the cape.

Since the canine model on this package is another of those evil, high-strung, yip-yap dogs…

…the costume is completely superfluous.

Interesting to note that they used the same dog for the “Angel” costume.

What kind of torturous moral dilemma might you be facing to find one of each – poof! – suddenly appear opposite one another on your shoulders and offer you conflicting advice via constant high-pitched barking directly into your ears? Just a guess: Something involving puppy-sitting your girlfriend’s irritating Pomeranian while she’s out of town and the traveling Mexican dog circus is passing through. I know you’ll make the right decision. Just have plenty of Kleenex on hand when you tell her.

“Walk Me” is the curious title of our next little number:

Apparently putting a red cross on the bonnet instead of a purple heart and printing “Florence Nightingale” on the cape was either too esoteric or disrespectful. And then they’d have to include a little lamp, which would push the price point a good nickel or two past ninety-nine cents only.

Finally, here’s Bowser with “Let’s Run!”

I got news for you, pal – the time to run was when they were coming towards you with the costume.

By the way – credit where credit is due: Most of these ensembles are made by the good folks at “FurBrainz”…

 …and made for pet-dressing people who are best described by adding a profanity in front of said manufacturer.

Posted by Ted on October 9, 2012, 12:17 AM.

I Hold In My Hand The Last Envelope!

Skeleton…Garland.

What’s in the crypt of the star of “The Wizard of Oz”?

Posted by Ted on October 8, 2012, 2:27 AM.

One Size Fits Most!

These are kind of vaguely creepy, right? Or is it just me?

I mean, we all know I’m vaguely creepy, but I’m talking about the “child fishnet tights” here.

Call me old fashioned, but it just seems that they’re kind of inappropriate for a little girl to wear.

But it’s cool if I wear them, right?

Posted by Ted on October 6, 2012, 10:05 AM.

Delightfully Anachronistic Package Design: Virginia Edition! Part III!

MY fascination with delightfully anachronistic packaging is easily explained: It reminds me fondly of simpler times and days gone by. You see, I was born in 1930 and when I was in my twenties, I worked at the Finast supermarket on Main Street in Galesburg.

One day ol’ Mr. Finney had me setting up a large cardboard “Tom Corbett: Space Cadet” display for Kellogg’s Pep when the flashlight battery-driven spinning antenna on Tom’s ship, the Polaris, came in contact with my box cutter which had evidently built up quite a charge of static electricity slicing open cases of Ipana toothpaste earlier that morning.  Zzzzzap! The next thing I know here I am in the twenty-first century.

Okay, enough.

Let’s get down to business: In a store in lovely Hill, Virginia, I came across this bag of cat litter. I was of course charmed by its delightfully anachronistic package design; now you are, too. Especially once I tell you this is the last one of these stupid things for a while.

You’re saying “Come now, Ted – surely you don’t take us for fools! Judging by what we see below, that bag of cat litter is thirty years old if it’s a day! This is an ad from an old magazine you’ve scanned, is what! And now you’re going straight to hell for trying to perpetuate such a fraud on us, your trusting readers!”

No! Look closer! This cat litter does in fact exist here in 2012! The giveaway that it’s a currently available item is (of course) the bilingual cat. He’s thinking in English and Spanish! It’s cartoon mascotas like this that do the jobs American cartoon mascots are too lazy to do!

Anyway, I think you’re ready for this. You make the call: Package originally designed when? Late 1970s? Early 1980s? Whaddaya say? Come on, don’t be shy.

1981…? Really! That specific! Good. Good for you.

I’ve taught you well.

Posted by Ted on September 19, 2012, 6:00 AM.

¿What’s Bueno? E-Z Eats Country Fried Beef Fingers!

VERY little time here, folks – I’ve made a wager with some fellows at the club and am now on a race around the world with my trusted valet/irritating Filipino houseboy Kenji.

Thankfully I’ve taken the precaution of scheduling in advance a bunch of these insipid What’s Bueno at the 99¢ Only Store posts that are nonetheless the lifeblood of this blog. Well, what do you know – here comes one now!

E-Z Eats! Country Fried Beef Fingers

Man, if you’ve got a hankerin’ for some good old-fashioned country fried beef fingers – deeelicious breaded strips of beef in a handy carrying cup – look no further than E-Z Eats Country Fried Beef Fingers! They microwave up just as quick as you please and—

…Okay, okay, I can’t go through with it; I just can’t do it. These things were atrocious. Now I’m going to have to win the bet, if only to be able to return all that money to the country fried beef finger industry.

Posted by Ted on September 9, 2012, 6:00 AM.

¿What’s Bueno? Pitfall T-Shirt!

AS longtime readers of this blog know, some of the best years of my life were spent as first warbler in a Roger Whittaker tribute band.

Well, gang – I can finally officially announce it: Jimmy, Dane, Joe-Joe, Evelyn R., Big Curtis, Flaubert, Marc, Evelyn C., Antonio, Chester, Pam, Brucie, Christian, Russ, Alan and I have been rehearsing over the last few weeks and – yes! – Whitaker Experience is back together again! (We used the be “The Roger Whittaker Experience” but then we got that letter from BMG and had to drop the first name and one of the T’s. And stop performing any of his songs.)

My point is I’m gone – I’m out of here for a while – while we’re on tour!  (I know!) Come see us at the Eastern Idaho State Fair on the Bear Lake Credit Union free stage tonight after the arm wrestling tournament! (Sometime after 9:30, depending on how many contestants there are.)

Despite all the time and hard work spent tuning up my “whistler” (mouth), I managed to line up a bunch of these inane What’s Bueno at the 99¢ Only Store blog posts in advance! And here’s one now!

Activision Pitfall T-Shirt

Ninety-nine cents only for this t-shirt featuring the original box art from the 1982 Activision video game! It’s brand new! It turns out the original price – on the original price tag – is a whopping $9.99! That’s like eight times as much as 99¢ only, I think! And the funny thing is that if I saw this in Target with their annoyingly enormous selection of retro 80s t-shirts, why, I’d turn my nose up at it no matter what the price!

Yet here at the 99¢ Only Store, I was for some reason compelled to purchase it! This despite the fact that it’s a medium and these days, hoo boy, I wear a large!

Well, I’ll just give it to someone for Christmas, sure. And if it’s you, forget you read this! I paid full price at Target.

Posted by Ted on September 8, 2012, 6:00 AM.

¿What’s Bueno? Toblerone!

Turns out I’m having another one of my “episodes” where I suddenly seem to disappear off the face of the earth and friends, relatives and local law enforcement all turn out to take part in a massive search for me and then I wake up four states away in a cheap motel wearing German Mennonite women’s clothing, with no idea how I got there.

Thankfully I somehow had the foresight to schedule, in advance, a bunch of these What’s Bueno at the 99¢ Only Store posts to keep interest in my blog at an all-time low while I’m gone!

Toblerone Chocolate Bar

Toblerone?! At the 99¢ Only Store!? No way!

When I was a kid, Toblerone bars were among the imported stuff that all the rich kids I went to school with got for Christmas. Toblerones, Paddington Bears, “Ant and Bee” books and those little blue cylinders of Pustefix bubbles. Oh how the mighty have fallen! Not the rich kids I went to school with; I’m sure they’re all just richer. Bastards. No, I’m talking about Toblerone! They’re selling them at the 99¢ Only store now! Finally, they’re within the reach of  good, plain people like you and me.

Those wealthy a-holes I went to school with can piss their money away paying twice as much for these at their precious Trader Joe’s! No, I’m serious – they can and they will.

 Look! Look!

But this year I can at long last have the Christmas that Mother and Dad were tragically unable to provide for me as a child, despite how I longed for and deserved it. That is, so long as Ant & Bee, Paddington, and Pustefix all start showing up at the 99¢ Only Store, too. But if not, I can deal with it. After all, what kind of spoiled brat man-child really needs fancy bubble solution imported from Europe? Doesn’t regular dish soap work just as well?

Perhaps there’s a lesson to be learned from the austere simplicity of my plain white prayer bonnet.

Posted by Ted on September 7, 2012, 6:00 AM.