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It’s July 5th Already!
And thanks to a visit to Dollar Tree today, I realized it’s time to start getting ready for Halloween!
We were going to head to the beach on Saturday, but instead, I think we’ll have the whole family pile into the car and head up to that pick-your-own pumpkin patch up near Ventura; maybe stop along the way at a roadside stand for some apple cider while we take in all the beautiful autumn foliage. Really make a day of it!
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¿What’s Bueno on The Fourth of July? Hot Dogs, What Else!
LIKE MANY OF YOU, I blew off seven fingers lighting illegal fireworks last Fourth of July and until they grow back I can no longer wield a barbecue fork effectively, so for the time being, anyway, my grilling days are over. You don’t want to know how I can still type. Trust me.
Still, on Independence Day, or as it’s known in my neighborhood “¡Día de Independencia!” if you’re a proud, red-blooded American citizen (or, in my neighborhood, otherwise), by Godfrey, you want a delicious hot dog! It’s your goddamn God-given right as an American citizen! Or otherwise!
But don’t worry! No need to contact the ACLU! You’ll get your hot dog, because, friend…? The 99¢ Only Store has got you covered!
Look! Look!
Did I say “you’ll get your hotdog”? I misspoke! You’ll get your hot dogs, plural! Two! For 99¢! Only!
What’s even more amazing is a pal was recently grousing to me over the presumed unavailability of pre-bunned hot dogs! Grouse no more, pal! Grouse no more! Your prayers have been answered! The future is here and it’s in the freezer section of your local 99¢ Only Store!
And here’s something else: No grilling required! So you can save all those matches and lighter fluid to ignite this year’s batch of Hens-Laying-Eggs! Don’t worry, they’re the free-range, cage-free variety of fireworks you can feel good about setting off.
No, instead of toiling outside (yeesh!) over a hot grill forever, you’ll be heating up your pre-bunned hot dogs right there in the microwave – for only about a lousy minute maybe. And then quicker than you can say, or see, “Oh say can you see!” they’re done!
And boy don’t they look good! Come in their own handy hot dog boat, too – saving you the time, trouble and expense of putting them on a plate! And for what? If you’re like me, and you are, you’re just going to eat them over the sink anyway.
Meanwhile poor Johnny Grillmaster next door is still slaving over his brand new Char-Broil Tru-Infrared 5-Burner Gourmet Edition T-47D and trying to make the best of a bad situation by “enjoying” a beer while “chatting” with the rest of the neighbors he’s invited over – the ones that aren’t in the pool, that is. Assholes.
Now, while my hot dogs look fine straight outta the ol’ Radarange, sure, I’m a fellow who likes his fixins – and plenty of them! Bring on the fixins!
Mmmmmmmm-mmm! as the late Andy Griffin would say! Good hot dog, good hot dog!
…Okay, that’s the second time they’ve played “Margaritaville” in three hours. I’m calling the goddamn police.
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Birthday Greetings To Dad!
WHY IT SEEMS it was only twelve days ago when I had helped dear old Dad celebrate Father’s Day by the sending of a greeting card. Here, you can read all about that again right here.
And now it’s, what, twelve days later already and it’s his birthday. (They grow up so fast these days.) Anyway, I did what any decent son would do – I wandered into the 99¢ Only Store to buy a bunch of cheap groceries, and as long as I was there anyway, I realized, hey, I guess I can pick up a card, too. Kill two birds with one stone, right?
Ah, but to find the perfect birthday card for my Dad – the one that, through a careful marriage of artwork and prose, somehow manages to crystallize and convey the complex feelings and difficult-to-express emotions in the complicated relationship between father and son.
That’s why a place like the 99¢ Only Store is perfect for occasions like this! They only had one “father” birthday card! Literally!
So there was no tortured picking and choosing and comparing and searching for a goddamn envelope that fits and pondering and deciding and considering and passive-aggressively blocking a section of the rack for an extra three minutes just to piss off some probably perfectly nice old lady by preventing her from looking at a card that I happened to be standing right in front of. There was none of that at all!
So unless I wanted to stop at Walgreen’s on the way home (I did not), my choice was clear!
This one!
Now, the fact that there was evidently some sort of mix-up at the discount greeting card factory which resulted in the inside of this card having nothing even remotely to do with the image and phrase on the front…?
I don’t see this as a drawback. Rather I look at this as more of an asset.
At my father’s age, they’re always telling you that you’ve got to keep their minds active. So he’ll be trying to figure out this one for weeks.
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A Most Unusual and Fascinating Prop from the Golden Age of Cartoons!
From the rarely-seen 1958 Warner Bros. animated short “Irritable Fowl Syndrome” where Wile E. Coyote tries to best the Road Runner by exploiting the bird’s unfortunate chronic ulcerative colitis by pouring this over a bowl of FREE! birdseed.
Attention Leonard Maltin: Contact me directly if you want to include this in the next edition of “Of Mice and Magic.”
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Happy Father’s Day!
Like you, I love my Dad – that is to say, I love my own Dad, and you love your own Dad.
(If you love my Dad, I’m probably in store for another talk like the one he had with me when he let me order anything I wanted at Friendly’s and then tried to explain to me why the woman who worked at the bar in the bowling alley would be picking me up after soccer practice from then on and also had keys to the house.)
And my Dad, like all Dads, is always telling me not to waste money on presents for him for Father’s Day – that a card is plenty.
Knowing his appreciation for thriftiness, I thought, “Why stop there? Why stop at forgoing the gift and just getting a card? Why not take it a step further by forgoing the gift and getting a really cheap card for him at the 99¢ Only Store?”
After all, it’s the thought that counts and by not spending $6.95 on one of those ostentatious luxury cards from the Hallmark Gold Crown Store I can afford to spend more time thinking nice thoughts of Dad and less time thinking terrible thoughts like how if I bought an expensive card, I wouldn’t have enough money left for a #1 at In-N-Out Burger.
So I considered all this over lunch and after I finished my Double-Double, fries and a Coke, I came to a decision and headed over to the 99¢ Only Store and perused their card selection where I found two that at first glance seemed ideal.
Ultimately, though, it wouldn’t have been efficient for my father to learn Spanish just so he knows how much I appreciate him always being there cuando I needed him, or (my second choice) a humorous take on how he’s always losing the teledirección in the cushions of the sofá.
But then I discovered there’s an English section!
Soon I found a perfectly serviceable Father’s Day card for 99¢ only. It was in masculine tones of brown and blue and had a picture of a fishing pole and creel on the front. (I opted for that over the one with the duck-hunting decoys on a bench with wood-working tools because that one was slightly larger and might have required additional postage.)
And while choosing just the right card, I noticed something disturbing.
Yes, we all know it’s the 99¢ Only Store; we’re none of us expecting to find high end Gibson Greeting-quality sentiments here, or poems that actually rhyme, or correct spelling and punctuation, or the inside of the cards typeset in anything other than Comic Sans. We know we’re getting crap. It’s not quality of the cards that bothers me.
However it would be nice if whoever actually stocks the cards in the racks makes a point of making sure they’re in front of the appropriate category headers.
Because this is kind of creepy.
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A Most Tricky Worm Indeed!
HEY, here’s something that brought a smile to my face when I saw it on a rack at my local Dollar Tree the other day!
Now you might enjoy seeing this because you remember these things from when you were a kid.
But me, I got a kick out of it because “tricky worm” is how my gastroenterologist refers to the stubborn parasite that took up residence in my lower intestine when I swam in the Canoga Park Municipal Pool last summer.
Ooh! Pardon me! That rumbling means someone’s about finished with his jalapeño & goat cheese frittata!
Gotta go – literally!
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What Is And What Was Bueno At The 99¢ Only Store! And Dollar Tree!
AS my blogging mentor, or blogntor, Sylvia Haynes Darden often says “A good blogger is a frequent and timely blogger.” Well, she didn’t so much say that as write it on her blog in May of 2007. And the reference is easy to find; it’s her most recent entry – the one that’s mostly about the fall of the Berlin Wall.
So it got me thinking: I find a lot of What’s Bueno at the 99¢ Only Store and What’s Bueno at Dollar Tree items, but due to my busy schedule and my heavy drinking, it seems I never get around to posting most of them! And then when I realize I’ve pissed away all this potential blog content, or blogntent, because these items are no longer available I get depressed and I end up drinking more.
So you know what we’re going to do, you and I? We’re going to jam through a whole mess of these things and finally get them the hell off my computer and into your hearts! Despite the fact that a number of these items are no longer be available!
…And then we are going to get shit-faced drunk! What happens after that depends entirely on you, but I’m always open to new experiences!
First up!
Pearson’s King Size Mint Patties
Bought at: Dollar Tree
Availability: Haven’t seen ‘em in months and the last time I did, they was only one left, in a box with a bunch of other miscellaneous candy on the bottom shelf. And it was all smooshed.
Why they were bueno: You won’t find anything in the way of bargains for regular sized, name brand candy bars at Dollar Tree – those are all priced at 79¢ each now. Pearson’s King Size Mint Patties, while not a big name brand, were also 79¢ – but you got two big patties while those others only gave you one for more money. I’m looking at you, York Peppermint Patty. The taste? Fine! How can you screw up a peppermint patty? These were great and I miss them. What I’d do is I’d have one, and then save the other for later, i.e., after I finished chewing and swallowing the first one.
New York Pretzel
Bought at: Dollar Tree
Availability: Only saw these for about two weeks back in November
Why they were bueno: As the box says, you’re getting 60% more frozen pretzel than the other leading frozen pretzel. These babies were nice an’ big. I suspect they might have ended up at Dollar Tree because every single box was open, and it looks like this was the result of poor package design or a lack of glue rather than someone opening them. (The pretzels inside were safely sealed in a bag.) The New York Pretzel website indicates that they do a lot of wholesale / food service industry business, so maybe these pretzels were an unsuccessful attempt to break into the retail frozen pretzel business. A shame, too, they were good.Interestingly, Dollar Tree still offers their retail competitor, Bakers Best. And there’s nothing wrong with a box of those frozen pretzels for a buck; they, too are bueno. It’s just that New York Pretzel was significantly bueno-er.
Quaker Chewy Granola Bars
Bought at: The 99¢ Only Store
Availability: Last saw the second week of December
Why they were bueno: The 99¢ Only Store offers a lot of Quaker granola bar-type stuff. (You might remember my little love affair with Smash Bar…?) With these, you’re not getting the usual eight granola bars, no – you’re getting two extra bars, still for 99¢ only. And perhaps some of you might appreciate the, eugh, “green” aspect of the packaging: No big cardboard box for these to rattle around in. They’re just cleverly bound together by a perforated adhesive sticker and you just tear them off as you eat them at home – or if you’re like most of the thieving shoppers in my neighborhood – in the store without paying for them.Personally, for someone like myself who takes great pride in generating enormous amounts of trash each day (My neighbor and I are having a contest!) and can’t be bothered to recycle or try to minimize my household waste footprint, I’d prefer they go back to the box. Still, the plastic each individual bar is wrapped in will no doubt add to that enormous floating pile of garbage in the Pacific, so at least that’s something. Even without the cardboard boxes, I presume they’re still cutting down plenty of trees. Where else are they getting the sawdust and wood chips these granola bars are made from?
I’m kidding! I’m kidding, of course, as my attorney insists. They really are delicious!
Dairy Fresh Dessert Topping
Bought at: The 99¢ Only Store and Dollar Tree!
Availability: Still available at both chains
Why it’s bueno: You go into a regular grocery store and try buying a can of aerosol whipped topping for a buck. Go ahead, try. You’ll be arrested is what! Sure, your precious $2.99-a-can “Reddi Wip” may crow about containing “no hydrogenated oils” but for God’s sake, you’re having pie, who the hell cares? Live a little!Also, if you’re lucky enough to have a partner who’s as active and creative in the bedroom as my Reymundo is, you’d go broke buying name brand aerosol whipped topping. (Now if you’ll excuse me, he and I need to get to this tub of Chubby Hubby before it melts all over our new Wythe blue Egyptian cotton sheets – 1,200 thread count, baby!)
Chunky Chips Ahoy!
Bought at: The 99¢ Only Store
Availability: They were around for about a week or so back in February. Long gone now, pal! Long gone!
Why it was bueno: If someone needs to tell you why getting a full-size package of Chunky Chips Ahoy! for ninety-nine cents only is bueno, then get the hell off my blog right now! No, no, wait, don’t go! I was kidding! God almighty, with, what?, six regulars coming here, I can’t afford to turn anyone away, even the stupid readers!Anyway, these Chunky Chips Ahoy! cookies, like other Nabisco products I’ve seen at 99¢ Only, are nearing the end of their shelf-life as stamped on the package, but hell, they weren’t actually expired and they were just as delicious as the day they were baked – presumably by pirates who like unnecessary punctuation as much as I enjoy italicizing.
V8 Splash Tropical Blend
Bought at: The 99¢ Only Store
Availability: Around for about a month circa March
Why it was bueno: This stuff was really delicious. Add vodka, and it’s good for you, too!I mentioned the availability of V8 Splash Tropical Blend to two different pals and I heard the same exact thing from both of them, “Jesus Christ! V8 mixed with fruit juice?! It sounds disgusting! No wonder it’s at the 99¢ Only store! Why the hell do you shop there?!” No you morons! It’s not regular V8 juice, it’s just carrot juice, which you can’t even taste (thank God) and then a bunch of tropical stuff on top of that.
And it seems it ended up at the 99¢ Only Store not because it bombed but because these were 32-ounce bottles which have since been discontinued. They do sell this flavor in 64-ounce jugs at your local grocer, but I’m betting you’ll pay a hell of a lot more than two bucks, which is what two of these would have run you. It matters not, however – these babies are all gone!
Ah, that I had purchased an entire pallet of this nectar of the gods (once you add the booze, anyway) when I had the chance. Seriously, this stuff was so good, there’s even been reports of me drinking it without first properly diluting it 50% with Schmirnoff.
Country Crock Pumpkin Spice Vegetable Oil Spread
Bought at: The 99¢ Only Store
Availability: Still around, but as you can see above, the supply is dwindling.
Why it’s bueno: Like you, I love pumpkin pie, and this stuff tastes like if a homemade pumpkin pie and a stick of butter had a baby together – it’s that good. A seasonal product that was in regular supermarkets from Thanksgiving to Christmas, countless thousands of the unsold little tubs of Country Crock then made their way to 99¢ Only after the holidays. Some had already hit the dollar chain by the end of December, so I was able to work my magic in the kitchen and bring the resulting creation to a party we went to on New Year’s Eve.Ted’s Country Crock Pumpkin Spice Pie
Serves four.
1 – 8-inch refrigerated pie crust (available at the 99¢ Only store)
5 – 6-oz. tubs of Shedd’s Spread Country Crock Pumpkin Spice Vegetable Oil Spread
4 – 7-ounce cans of Dairy Fresh Whipped Topping (available at the 99¢ Only store)1. Allow Country Crock to soften at room temperature
2. Using a spatula, slather contents of five margarine tubs into the pie crust, into a sort of mound
3. Refrigerate for at least two hours
4. Slice into fourths, and serve with a full can Dairy Fresh Whipped Topping alongside each sliceWe brought enough pies for all the other guests and just about everyone was surprised when I told them, at the exact moment everyone had a great big mouthful, that this wasn’t regular pumpkin pie filling (though it could pass for it in color and texture), but rather flavored margarine. Finally, a New Year’s Eve party when I’m not the only one vomiting!
Topsy Turvy Planters
Bought at: The 99¢ Only Store and Dollar Tree
Availability: As of this writing, you can’t enter either chain without tripping over a display of them.
Why they’re bueno: They were selling these for anywhere from $8 to $18 (or more if you bought them off the informercial – like an idiot) just a year or so ago. So at just a dollar, you’re saving all kinds of money on these now! They were even slightly higher than a buck at Big Lots just a few months ago! Sure, these are nothing you would buy otherwise, but that’s besides the point. I bought one each, like an idiot, of the Hummingbird Hangout planter and the Hot Pepper planter (not shown). With any luck, you just might read all about my luck with them in an upcoming post. And that luck refers more to me having any of you actually visiting this blog again than you having an opportunity to read about it.
SuperPretzel Poppers
Bought at: The 99¢ Only Store
Availability: I think they’re still around. They’re in the frozen section.
Why it’s bueno: These things microwave up in mere seconds – thirty-five, to be exact – but then comes the agonizing two-minute wait for them to cool. The only kind they had were these sort of “sweet cream cheese”-filled ones with “graham cracker topping.” So they did not resemble pretzels at all in form nor flavor. In fact, after heating them…
…some of their cheese oozed out and they reminded me almost of little steamer clams with their siphon muscle extended, and just the sight of these brought me back to my youth when as a boy I’d harvest clams by the hundreds in the tidal mudflats at Tod’s Point in Greenwich (near the nude section of the beach). Once I’d filled my little red Radio Flyer wagon I’d sell them by the sand pail-full for a quarter on the side of the Post Road across from Caldors. Of course the price went down as the sun got hotter and they (and I) began stinking.
Where was I?
Ah, yes – they may look sort of like rounded steamer clams, or not, I guess, but that’s where the similarities end. Because these things were delicious. If steamer clams tasted as sweet as these SuperPretzel Poppers, I’d have eaten them all myself and not sold a one. And then where would we be? Those steamer clams paid my way through blogging school.
And finally…
Marani Vodka
Bought at: The 99¢ Only Store
Availability: Saw ’em a month ago at only one location – Washington Blvd in West Los Angeles, and I haven’t been back there since. Knowing of this location’s proximity to Venice and Santa Monica – the twin homeless capitals of the world – I bet the supply was quickly exhausted; each bottle having been sucked dry under the Santa Monica Pier by one of the colorful (and pungent) “locals” who then stumbled over to the Hot Dog On A Stick stand by the beach volleyball courts to ogle the girls making lemonade. Hell, I know I would. (Don’t tell Reymundo.)
Why it was bueno: It’s just a wee little bottle of vodka – Armenian vodka – but if there’s one thing those Armenians know, it’s how to grow more body hair than us Slovaks and chain smoke cigarettes while doing it. Oh, and make vodka, presumably.Or do they? The bottle actually listed powdered skim milk as an ingredient. Regardless, these are your little airline cocktail-size bottles – just a coupla ounces. But who can say no for a buck? Plus that’s real cork in the stopper. Hell, if my people were responsible for a vodka packaged in a classy frosted glass bottle with real cork in the stopper, I guess I’d be pushy and rude, too. I’m kidding, I’m kidding; I love all people – especially a people who can make a vodka as delicious as this.
Anyway, we did it, you and I! We got through a whole bunch of these things; now you know what is bueno and what was bueno at both the 99¢ Only Store and Dollar Tree, and most importantly, I’m able to finally get all these stupid photos off my desktop.
And as promised, to celebrate, we’ll pop open a couple dozen mini bottles of Marani and see where the night takes us. But first I’m going to disable the camera function on our phones. Just in case.
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什麼是良好的只有99美分商店: Nature’s Turn Pickles!
As regular readers of this blog know, I’m always on the lookout for a good, traditional pickle.
You know the kind – good and dilly and garlicky. Tangy – and not without some snap! The kind you’d expect to find on the plate next to your corned beef sandwich at your favorite Jewish delicatessen (in my case Feldman’s On Reseda).
So imagine my surprise when I was at my local 99¢ Only Store some weeks ago and I came across these babies:
Hm, thought I, aloud, worrying the other shoppers, Hm, these so-called “Nature’s Turn All Natural Pickle Spears” are all natural, and they’re from a brand I can trust – Nature’s Turn – not a brand I’ve ever heard of before, but it sounds like a brand I can trust, right? I mean, just that name alone and the slightly awkward logo – a sprouting lima bean (?) – seems trustworthy. And there’s chunks of garlic and seeds and stuff that looks like dill weed at the bottom of the jar – just like you see in those expensive brands in your grocer’s refrigerated deli case.
So I decided sure, I’m game, I’ll gamble 99¢ only on a jar of pickles – why not? What could possibly go wrong?
“Feldman’s On Reseda”…?
I got them home, open them up, fish around in the jar with two fingers (knowing me, probably without washing my hands!) and pull out a pickle spear – and I proceeded to eat it. And then I dove right in with my filthy digits and pulled out another – and I ate that one, too. And another! And another after that! And my father’s father before him! What?!
The point is, these things are great! They’ve all the dillness, all the garlicosity of your higher-priced refrigerated, deli-case and/or Feldman’s On Reseda pickles – without the higher-priced part! Or the refrigerated part! And as the label says there’s no corn syrup in these pickles! As regular readers of this blog know, I’m always on the lookout for a corn syrup-free pickle! …”Feldman’s?”
Right then and there – right then and there, brother, I decided I would declare Nature’s Turn All Natural Pickle Spears this week’s
item!
Ah, but then! Then I read on the back of the label: PRODUCT OF CHINA.
Oh no. Oh no no no no no. I’m so sorry – but despite how delicious they are, I can’t in good conscience endorse these pickles as this week’s What’s Bueno at the 99¢ Only Store item. There’s just no way.
No.
They are however this week’s 什麼是良好的只有99美分商店 item.
Mazel tov!
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Snickers Peanut Butter Eggs! The Inevitable Update!
So, yes, as I alluded to the other day, Monday did find me back at my local 99¢ Only Store!
And I was right! My precious Snickers Peanut Butter Eggs were marked down!
So I did what you’d have done. I bought eighty.
(Look, I didn’t want to go crazy because there’s a very real possibility they may be marked down even further in the days, weeks and months ahead. That’s when I’ll stock up.)
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Buy These Macaroons You Should!
WELL, I’m not Jewish, despite what you might have seen in the showers at the gym. But that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy a good macaroo—
Oh, Christ, I’m talking about the Hal Linden shower cap I wear! Obviously! I can’t believe you’d think that I was referring to– …What a bunch of perverts you people are!
Anyway, like you, I enjoy I a good macaroon every now and again and so it being the Jewish Holy Week of Yomover, I think, there’s all kinds of good Jewish things to eat at your local grocery store – björksch, graffilti fish, pickled pigs feet, and, of course, macaroons! Oh, and great big bottles of Matzo-Bismol in case you get a schmertz in the mogn from eating all that good food during the cedar!
But you’d have been a shlemiel to to buy these things at your regular grocer, or from those crooks at Walgreens…
Three-ninety-nine they want to charge you for these things?! Walgreens with your so-called “Hot Buys,” you should be ashamed! P’tooey!
No, you want to get your macaroons at, where else?, the 99¢ Only Store!
Because at the 99¢ Only Store, they’ve got macaroons for 99¢ Only. I bought like eight cannisters! Or, as they say in Yiddish, cannischewitzters!
Sure, they’ll sit in your stomach like a rock if you eat them one after another like a chazzer, so save some for later. The 99¢ Only Store has just about every flavor and type available. Two varieties were even gluten-free, so I snatched them up quick – to prevent those who’ve bought into that whole allergic-to-gluten nonsense from being able to buy them.
Most of the available macaroons, or ‘roons as we roonaphiles casually know them, are from the good people of Gefen Foods. I’m a traditionalist, so the Fancy Coconut Flavored Macaroons, or “regular,” were my favorite. Gefen’s Toffee Time Macaroon Classics were a delight as well, but seemed to lack any real toffee flavor that I could distinguish. Gefen’s Nutty Brownie Macaroon Classics were particularly wonderful, while their Fancy Honey-Nut Flavored Macaroons may or may not be just as good or better, but I haven’t opened that cannister yet. Stay tuned!
The other macaroonufacturer selling their wares at the 99¢ Only store is Glicks Foods. Their Glicks Finest Choc-Chip Macaroons are nice, but seemed a little stingy with actual chocolate chips. I don’t think it’s too much to expect at least one chip in each ‘roon, but sadly, that was not the case in my cannister. Would it have killed them to sprinkle a few extra chips in there? Oy!
So there you have it – this Kippover buy your macaroons at the 99¢ Only Store and save, why not? Or is Mr. Big Shot with the fancy car and the nice clothes too good for the dollar store all of a sudden?
Ted Parsnips
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