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Snickers Peanut Butter Eggs! The Inevitable Update!
So, yes, as I alluded to the other day, Monday did find me back at my local 99¢ Only Store!
And I was right! My precious Snickers Peanut Butter Eggs were marked down!
So I did what you’d have done. I bought eighty.
(Look, I didn’t want to go crazy because there’s a very real possibility they may be marked down even further in the days, weeks and months ahead. That’s when I’ll stock up.)
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Buy These Macaroons You Should!
WELL, I’m not Jewish, despite what you might have seen in the showers at the gym. But that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy a good macaroo—
Oh, Christ, I’m talking about the Hal Linden shower cap I wear! Obviously! I can’t believe you’d think that I was referring to– …What a bunch of perverts you people are!
Anyway, like you, I enjoy I a good macaroon every now and again and so it being the Jewish Holy Week of Yomover, I think, there’s all kinds of good Jewish things to eat at your local grocery store – björksch, graffilti fish, pickled pigs feet, and, of course, macaroons! Oh, and great big bottles of Matzo-Bismol in case you get a schmertz in the mogn from eating all that good food during the cedar!
But you’d have been a shlemiel to to buy these things at your regular grocer, or from those crooks at Walgreens…
Three-ninety-nine they want to charge you for these things?! Walgreens with your so-called “Hot Buys,” you should be ashamed! P’tooey!
No, you want to get your macaroons at, where else?, the 99¢ Only Store!
Because at the 99¢ Only Store, they’ve got macaroons for 99¢ Only. I bought like eight cannisters! Or, as they say in Yiddish, cannischewitzters!
Sure, they’ll sit in your stomach like a rock if you eat them one after another like a chazzer, so save some for later. The 99¢ Only Store has just about every flavor and type available. Two varieties were even gluten-free, so I snatched them up quick – to prevent those who’ve bought into that whole allergic-to-gluten nonsense from being able to buy them.
Most of the available macaroons, or ‘roons as we roonaphiles casually know them, are from the good people of Gefen Foods. I’m a traditionalist, so the Fancy Coconut Flavored Macaroons, or “regular,” were my favorite. Gefen’s Toffee Time Macaroon Classics were a delight as well, but seemed to lack any real toffee flavor that I could distinguish. Gefen’s Nutty Brownie Macaroon Classics were particularly wonderful, while their Fancy Honey-Nut Flavored Macaroons may or may not be just as good or better, but I haven’t opened that cannister yet. Stay tuned!
The other macaroonufacturer selling their wares at the 99¢ Only store is Glicks Foods. Their Glicks Finest Choc-Chip Macaroons are nice, but seemed a little stingy with actual chocolate chips. I don’t think it’s too much to expect at least one chip in each ‘roon, but sadly, that was not the case in my cannister. Would it have killed them to sprinkle a few extra chips in there? Oy!
So there you have it – this Kippover buy your macaroons at the 99¢ Only Store and save, why not? Or is Mr. Big Shot with the fancy car and the nice clothes too good for the dollar store all of a sudden?
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Snickers Peanut Butter Eggs!
LET’S cut to the chase here, folks! It’s late! Neither of us has time for any dilly-dallying today!
Snickers Peanut Butter Eggs are what’s bueno at the 99¢ Only Store this week!
Yes, they’re Easter-themed, but you don’t have to be a good, God-fearing Christian like me to enjoy a Snickers Peanut Butter egg. The delight your tastebuds will experience is purely non-non-secular, so even if your unfortunate choice of religion has doomed you to an eternity of damnation in the fiery pits of hell, you can enjoy a Snickers Peanut Butter Egg now, here on earth. In fact, you’d probably better enjoy them now – that chocolate doesn’t do to well in environments over about 82 degrees.
Like the rest of my, what?, six regulars, you come to this website for the nudity. You’ve waited long enough. Here you go:
Oh my God, it looks good enough to eat – which is just what I did: I ate it right up! Just as quick as you please!
Our panel nominated Snickers Peanut Butter Egg as this week’s What’s Bueno At The 99¢ Only Store item based on two specific, whaddayacall, criteriums:
1.) Taste: They taste really good!
2.) Price: The 99¢ Only Store is selling them for three for 99¢! You can’t beat that price, I guarantee it! Those crooks at Walgreens, for instance, demand an astronomical 59¢ for just one of these! And my attorney would like me to note, by the way, that Walgreens does not employ crooks! Good people there at Walgreens!Anyway, if you really want to make an impression on a loved one, or a loved blogger (hint hint!), pass on the jelly beans, forget those disgusting Peeps – just fill up an Easter basket with thirty of these babies!
You can’t go wrong and you’re out less than lousy ten bucks because, to reiterate, Snickers Peanut Butter Eggs are flying out the door at the 99¢ Only Store for three for 99¢!
And that’s the before-Easter price!
So can you imagine what they’ll be letting these things go for once Easter is over?!
Oh, you bet I’ll be camping out in front of the store Sunday night to be first in line Monday morning and scoop up all the leftovers at post-Easter further ridiculously discounted prices!
I just hope that unlike that famous mishap with Jesus’ tomb, the Snickers Peanut Butter Eggs boxes are not empty.
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What’s Bueno? Honey Maid Low Fat Cinnamon Grahams!
SAY! I wandered into the ol’ 99¢ Only Store the other day and guess what I ran into! Guess!
No! Wrong!
I ran into a great big display, an endcap, to use retail parlance, of Nabisco Honey Maid Grahams! Banged my ankle up pretty bad, too! I plan on suing the store! What are they doing putting an enormous endcap where I’m liable to run into it?! No, I’m joking. I’ll find something else to sue them about.
Anyway, back to the grahams! You’re already pooh-poohing these things because they’re low fat.
Yes, they’re “low fat,” but let’s face it, Tubby, you could stand to lose a few! And here I elbow you good-naturedly in the gut!
First of all, your regular Honey Maid cinnamon grahams aren’t exactly oozing with fat to begin with! 5% is all! The low-fat ones? 3%! Christ, why even bother, right? But with so little fat (and no saturated fat in these babies!) Honey Maid Low Fat Cinnamon Grahams are a food you can feel good about eating! Or, if you’re Alicia Silverstone, a food you can feel good about chewing, and your baby can feel good about eating!
Regardless, these are the good type of graham crackers! With the cinnamon and the sugar besprinkled atop each one, giving it a good, textured tooth as we say in the graham cracker game! Oh, don’t worry, pal – these aren’t those grahamscaped, metrosnackual, smooth-topped graham crackers! These are your hardy 45-grit graham crackers! (The lower the number, the coarser the grit! But you’d know that if you hadn’t cut class so much in eighth grade when budget cuts forced Central Junior High to combine Woodshop and Home Ec!)
What’s even more amazing than the fact that you get 14.4 ounces of these things for a buck is that these Nabisco Honey Maid Low Fat Cinnamon Grahams are not only
but, in a rare instance of reaching across the aisle, of putting aside their differences for the greater good, they’re also
And with all the hostility among the major players in today’s dollar store landscape, you’ll agree this is a breath of fresh air. (Or, if you’re Alicia Silverstone’s child, a mouthful of chewed-up graham cracker paste.)
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Corndogs! I Don’t Remember Eating Corndogs!
LIKE YOU, I’ve been trying to eat healthier lately. Trying to, ha!, but not succeeding! Recently, I visited my local Wienerschnitzel quick-serve (they don’t like you to call it “fast food”) restaurant and discovered they’ve got one of those good old-fashioned corndog sweepstakes going on with prizes galore, including what I like best, cash!
It goes like this: When you buy a corndog, there’s something printed on the stick – but lucky for you, you have to eat the corndog to see what that is (unless you’re Superman and have X-ray vision). If you’re an instant winner, you could win $10,000, $1,000, or other stuff, like additional corndogs. Yum!
As many of you know, I blow at least ten thousand dollars at Wienerschnitzel every year, so I think we all agree it’s only fair I win that $10,000. Here’s how I’m doing it:
First, I bought a corndog. It came in this neat paper wrapper telling me about the contest. (I’ve saved it and I intend to upload a picture of it to Flickr in thirty years so hipsters of the future can ooh and ahh over its “amazing early 2010s design.”)
Next I unwrapped it. It may look a lot like one of my used Q-tips, but rest assured, brother, that there’s a corndog – and a scrumptious one at that.
Then I ate the damn thing. How was it? Deeeeelicious! But I wasn’t a winner!
Or wasn’t I…? [And here I arch my eyebrows – okay, technically my one long hairy Slovak eyebrow – as though to indicate I’ve something up my sleeve.]
Now here’s where the fun part comes in. Taking my “officially” non-winning corndog stick, I carefully deleted the part where it says I didn’t win $10,000.
And being even more careful, on the other side of the stick, I’ve delicately added verbiage that indicates I did win $10,000.
Now, it’s only a matter of popping this into the mail and letting them know I won, and them sending me my money.
Why am I telling you this? Well, since you’re one of the, what, six people who visit this blog, you can do the same thing – it’s my gift to you for being such a loyal reader! Only don’t do it for the ten grand. They’ll know something’s up if there’s more than one winner. Do it for one of the smaller prizes. Like a “Free 3-Pak of Jalapeño Poppers.” (Just be sure to write small!)
Next time: I’ll show you how to fool the (greedy, union-run) US Postal Service and save money by creating your own postage stamps from old Decca record sleeves – you know, the kind where they have little images of other albums.
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I Have Tried The New Taco Bell Doritos Tacos! A Review!
GUESS what! I tried that new “Doritos Loco Taco” from Taco Bell!
And perhaps by writing about it here, this site may top six visitors today.
I was going to go to Taco Bell at midnight Wednesday night for the much-anticipated launch (industry term) of this culinary delight, but then I’d have to give up my place in line for “The Hunger Games” outside the Viceroyalty Dollar Theater on Arroyo and San Fernando in Pacoima. Regular readers of this blog know I’m an unashamed HungerGuy (which is what we fans of “The Hunger Games” universally agreed to call ourselves – well, “HungerGuy” for the guys and “HungerGal” for the gals) since I picked up a copy of the first book while hanging out in the “Planet Teen” section of the library a few years ago. (They have beanbag chairs there.)
As you know, as of this writing, “The Hunger Games” opens in just fourteen days, six hours and twelve minutes, and I plan on being among the first to see it. Well, I had planned to, anyway, until the manager pointed out to me that it’s a dollar theater, they never show any new releases, and they wouldn’t be getting “The Hunger Games” until at least late-April – and then, only a Spanish-dubbed print.
That bit of unfortunate news, multiple citations for vagrancy, and the scabies I picked up from letting a talkative fellow named Durrel (his spelling, not mine, I assure you) share my sleeping bag for warmth (after he shared his bottle of Boone’s Farm Snow Creek Berry with me) convinced me to give up and head home. I guess it’s just as well – I’d forgotten that Becca switched weekends with me again so I have the goddamn kids from six p.m. tonight until Sunday night at seven.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah, so today I bought one of those new “Doritos Loco Tacos.” They come in two varieties: Regular and Taco Supreme. I decided to splurge and go for the Taco Supreme variety since all of this can be written off come tax time. And also a small Pepsi.
Here is what that looked like:
Now for the unboxing, or as I like to call it, the unbagging.
So here it is, partially unwrapped. (You have to do these things slowly; build up a sense of anticipation. Learned that from my blogging mentor, or blogntor, as I have dubbed her, Sylvia Haynes-Darden.)
Let’s take it a step further. Ready? Here we go!
Here you can see it comes in a little stiff paper holder. These will be very collectible in the years to come, so I licked the sour cream and grease off mine and packed it away. (I may buy another taco just for the holder and put it up on eBay “to see how it does.” Stay tuned.)
Okay, here it is:
There’s the actual Doritos Loco Taco, unfettered by its cardboard trappings; nude if you will. As you can see, it’s Dorito orange in hue.
The taste? It’s like…a Taco Bell Taco Supreme in a vaguely Dorito-esque shell. Eh, it was okay. The problem with taking Taco Bell food home – that is, not eating it right away, fresh off the griddle – is that the taco shells get soggy. Such was the case here – and I sped home like Old Scratch himself was after me. But until the good people at Yum! Brands start taking my back-of-receipt survey answers seriously and open a Taco Bell within three blocks of my home rather than the current inconvenient six blocks, there’s little I can do about that.
Also, I hated how I got Dorito residue on my fingers, and then had to risk getting that on my expensive blogging camera to take the damn pictures. I imagine everyone else blogging about this now is saying the exact same thing – so I guess the idea of me bringing a fresh perspective on reviewing a new fast food item has been shot to hell quicker than this combination of ground beef, lettuce, diced tomatoes, shredded cheese, sour cream, Dorito shell and eight packets of hot sauce will be shooting out of me within the next hour or so.
All in all, I wouldn’t buy it again – I’ll stick with the Dorito grit-free regular Taco Supremes, thank y– …eh, muchas gracias very much. You know, if you ask me, this whole new Dorito taco campaign is just a lot of pointless hoopla – or, since this is a chain selling Mexican food we’re talking about, all this jupla. It’s a lot of nothing, or as the proud Mexican people say – those who brought their delicious food to our shores – as they say, it’s nada.
Really, the only good melding of snack- and fast-foods are the HushFunyuns at Long John Silver’s – part of their unadvertised “secret menu.” You have to ask for ’em special.
Well, that and the Sausage McCheeto but that’s something I make for myself and there’s not a goddamn thing McDonald’s can do about it. Not a goddamn thing.
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Thank God For Focus Groups! Part II!
Otherwise, Sunflower Farms might have gone with an unappetizing name for their pasteurized process.
“Their pasteurized process what?” you ask demandingly.
That’s it. Their pasteurized process. They probably can’t legally call this stuff “cheese.”
Speaking of cheese-like substances, I had jack chunks once.
But a penicillin shot at the free clinic took care of that.
Well, there go another eight people who’ll never visit this site again.
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Big Lots Presents Circus Peanuts!
SO I was in my local Big Lots the other day looking for a set of bed sheets that had been bought by someone else, opened, possibly used but not washed, returned, haphazardly repackaged with an excess of clear packing tape, and placed back on the shelf at the same price the last person paid for them.
After I’d done that, I headed toward the front of the store when I came across these:
Oh boy! Nearly a pound of the candy everybody hates, at only twice the price you’d pay for them anywhere else, if you’d ever buy them – which you wouldn’t.
Circus peanuts, or as you and I like to call them, “giant orange vomit tablets,” are precisely the sort of thing you’d find hanging on a peg hook on that Wall of Miscellaneous Crap Candy in every Rite Aid, Walgreens and CVS, where a small bag of any of these things – be they circus peanuts or their equally hated siblings – Mary Janes, burnt peanuts, and the like – are marked “2/$1.00.”
Even the modest handful they give you for fifty cents is too much. You’ll be violently spewing them up in an orange froth of sugar, corn syrup, artificial flavoring, stomach bile and sauerkraut before you get to the last peanut! (Presuming you had sauerkraut for lunch, and knowing you, I think that’s a safe bet.)
And Big Lots, a discount store, expects us to pay $3 for 15.5 ounces of these things and then be pleased with ourselves as though we got some sort of deal? Well, here’s a deal for you: Don’t buy them!
Don’t buy them and instead put that $3 to good use with the purchase of an 18.5 ounce bag of their delicious vintage 2011 Easter candy corn!
Can we get a close-up of the bottom of the bag?
Yep, here comes that sauerkraut.
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Now Here’s Something You Didn’t Know!
IN India, Poppin’ Fresh is considered sacred, and it is forbidden to poke him in the belly.
I was going to go with “Shouldn’t Poppin’ Fresh be wearing a turban instead of a chef’s hat?” but then we both know I’d be down in Human Resources watching those goddamn ’sensitivity’ videos again.
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No Wonder This Stuff Ended Up At The 99¢ Only Store!
OH, big surprise this stuff bombed. Big surprise! I mean, there’s nothing new here! Jell-O’s always made color-changing instant pudding.
Of course, in the past, you had to digest it first.
Though I suppose the change in hue is more evident with some varieties than others.
Ted Parsnips
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