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Repent! The End Is Near!
Although you might possibly be forgiven if you wait until everything’s 50% off.
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Reviewing the June 7th Elections’ Best Mailers!
AS REGULAR READERS of this blog know, yesterday California voters went to the polls — that is to say, in the last few weeks, California voters mailed in their absentee ballots, because who has time to go to the polls today? None of us, that’s what! Especially here in Los Angeles, where things were so confusing at your place of envotement, your vote wouldn’t have counted anyway!
Anyway, this is not a political blog, but one thing we all enjoy is when I review the stupid political flyers I receive for local elections — like I did here and here…and to a lesser extent, here — and this year it’s been another bumper crop.
The final tally:
Janice Kamenir-Reznik: 5 mailers for, 1 against
Matt Dababneh: 15 mailers
Shawn Bayliss: 2 mailers
David Pollock: 1 mailer
Henry Stern: 16 mailers for, 4 against
Steve Fazio: 3 mailers
Sleazy ‘Voter Guides’ Designed to Look Vaguely Official: 6 mailers
As happens during every election season, I just throw out the first few days’ worth of these mailers until I notice they’re so numerous that I realize it could be a thing on the blog — at which point I start keeping them. So the actual totals are a bit higher, probably.
But counting those alone: That’s a grand total of (at least) 53 mailers that were sent to me. Honestly, they don’t make a bit of difference as to how I cast my vote. Crazy talk radio and paranoia-ridden websites with flashing neon text on a black background — that’s how I research the candidates!
As to the mailers, here are some of my, and now your, favorites:
You won’t be able to read beneath “Henry,” but it says “A Nutty Blend of Big Oil, Big Energy and Big Auto Contributions — 0% Truth. 100% Hypocrisy.”
Like you do, I love that they used an Oh Henry! candy bar for this anti-Henry Stern ad. And like you, it drives me crazy that they didn’t put the “Nutty Blend” copy above “Henry” and “Stern” below it. Or better yet, just leave “Stern” out, because it’s completely unnecessary with his face on the wrapper and his full name in the line below the art. As it is, it reads like “Oh Stern Henry!”
The back side, or verso [industry term], takes it down to pool-scene-in-Caddyshack levels (though they used a Baby Ruth bar):
It’s probably a safe assumption that whoever put this ad together didn’t waste a lot of time getting permission from Nestlé.
Here’s one for Matt Dababneh:
Here Matt goes after the all-important puppy and bunny vote. The verso, or reverse, of this shows one more rabbit, two more puppies, two adult dogs, two cats and a bird. And it also mentions what he’s done to protect wild and domestic animals. Folks, this being touchy-feely LA…? This ad is brilliant.
This one’s pro-Henry Stern:
I’m a big fan of this one because it’s so bizarre. In fact, it’s so complicated to explain that it requires the flyer to fold out to 11 x 17 to give us the details. And it’s not that interesting. So as a successful political mailer, I’d give it a 3 out of 10, at best. But for weirdness, at least an 8.
Speaking of animals, as we were a few mailers back, here’s another anti-Stern mailer:
The “NOTHING” is in response to the copy on the other side: “Sacramento bureaucrat Henry Stern got a free trip to Peru. What did we get?”
The thing to note, however, is this is probably the first time in American political history that an alpaca has appeared on an election mailer.
Yet another anti-Henry Stern mailer:
Here we see Henry knocking on doors, shaking hands, while a bunch of “Special Interests” groups offer him money and gifts.
I especially like these three villainous types, just as — we must presume — you do. We’ve got the requisite “Fat Cat,” a generic masked bandit who looks like one of the Special Guest Villain’s minions on any episode of the 1960s Batman, and behind him, apparently, Cthulhu.
Henry struck back with this ad which answers a question no one asked:
(The answer, in case you’re interested: “Corporate Special Interests.” Like you, I thought it was maybe the opposing candidate’s, I dunno, grandmother or milkman or someone.)
But the important thing to take away from this mailer is, 1) whoever designs these things loves those horrible oversized Ben-Day dots; judging by the look on her face, this woman is not only extremely impressionable but also very invested in this race for California State Senate District 27; and most importantly, evidently there was another anti-Henry Stern ad using these same three villains but drawn by a different artist…and they didn’t send it to me!
Look, candidates, if you’re going to cram my mailbox with useless crap like this, you might as well send me all of them.
The good news is there’s a runoff election in November with Stern in it and with that — more mailers!
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Number Two With A Magic Bullet!
I’M ALL FOR picking up after one’s dog, and frankly, I’m all for getting violent towards those who refuse to do so. Or if not violent, at least exacting some kind of revenge. (And rest assured, if I had a dog, I’d pick up after it!)
So I was excited, though a bit confused, when I saw this out by the curb in front of a neighbor’s house.
Is this a general warning…or a specific threat?
Does the homeowner who posted this believe that dog waste that goes unscooped somehow makes its way into the public water supply?
Look, I’m the first to admit — with its antiquated series of pipes and deteriorating water delivery infrastructure and sinkholes every other week and burst pipes and flooded UCLA basketball courts — the LA Department of Water & Power is, yes, a piece of sh_t, though not necessarily that of the canine variety.
Still: Not picking up after your dog doesn’t send the gift that Fido left behind on one’s lawn on some sort of exciting Paddle-to-the-Sea adventure where it ultimately ends up bobbing and floating in an otherwise pristine holding tank of drinking water.
So what I think this sign means is that if you don’t pick up after your dog, some big guy’s going to come out of the house with a blender, a garden hose, and maybe a handful of grass clippings, plop Rover’s steaming pile into the pitcher, hit purée, and whip up some sort of fecal smoothie right there. And then make you drink it.
And while I don’t know these people, if I ever become friends with them and they invite me over for margaritas, I’m politely declining unless I know for a fact they own two blenders. Or have a really good dishwasher.
Or they use really high-end, top shelf tequila. The alcohol content would probably kill any lingering heartworm larvae right?
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Sav•On’s Adult [Children] Coloring Book!
GOOD LORD, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?
Look, I want to personally thank all of my readers who have kept’ comin’ back despite the same old lousy content just stagnating here, with no new posts in forever! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you! Well, that’s one benefit of only having, what, six regular readers.
Anyway, finally — here’s some new lousy content! So let’s get started huh?
The big thing these days is coloring books, for adults. Right? Sure!
You an’ me, we’re seein’ ’em everywhere. But when they start popping up at the dollar stores and, as of this past Saturday, at a thrift store…
…you know this trend is finally, thankfully coming to an end! Eventually!
Now as you know, before there were coloring books for adults, there were coloring books for kids.
And, as you’ll see in the case of this free Sav•On coloring book…
…in this case, there was a coloring book for children featuring children who look like adults.
I generally try not to knock other creative-type people’s output, especially artwork, because heaven knows as much as I like to draw, anything I draw ends up looking tortured and overwrought.
Still, this coloring book was given away in 1996 — 20 years ago! — and there’s no longer Sav•On Drugstores in the LA area. Plus, chances are, whoever drew this thing will never see this…or is a much better artist today.
So what I’m saying is, let’s all chuckle at the funny pictures!
“Sure, ma’am, here’s the foot powder you said you were looking for so you could distract me while you slipped that jar of Olay Regenerist Moisturizer in your purse. Security!”
It’s not just me, right? She’s patting that pocketbook and looking around like she’s done something wrong. Clearly the woman is a thief.
“Kevin, honey, look — it’s the photo I took of that bowl we use to cut your hair! Oh, that’s right — you can’t see. That’s why you’re groping blindly towards my voice but staring straight ahead.”
Mom evidently saves even more money by printing out a picture of a teddy bear on a piece of paper rather than giving her daughter a real, three-dimensional one, and limiting the girl’s footwear expenses to socks.
The less said about that disturbing homunculus in the cart, the better.
The right medicine doesn’t do you any good when it’s over at the pharmacy counter and Mom is high on meth, fixating on a can of Barbasol in the shaving aisle.
“Lady, you know the drill — I give you the growth hormone for your malformed little dwarf boy there, you let me touch your boob. Honk!”
“Maybe this box of candy will let your mother know I still love her despite giving me two freak show children with strange, adult-like proportions.”
“Oh, sweetie, despite the inexplicable and awkward way I’m holding my hands, you really frightened me — almost as much as when I’d first seen the ultrasound images and I realized I’d soon be giving birth to something with a head that size.”
“Sav•On has all my school supplies — including this bulletproof vest I’m forced to wear all the time because my grotesque reptilian features naturally make people want to kill me.”
Of course the real horror of all this is that WordPress automatically decreases image quality to about, what, 60% of the original, so if you think these children look bad here, imagine how horrifying they look in real life; i.e., the actual coloring book!
In fact, you’re probably saying, “Ted, you jackass, if the whole gist of this thing is how bad the drawings are, and we can barely see them for all the blurriness, why the hell should the, what, six of us keep coming back here every four months to read your latest bit of nonsense?”
Well, I don’t have a good answer for that.
But I am impressed that during the time between posts you evidently got organized and nominated one of you to speak for the group.
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Salt and Pepper’s Here!
AS regular readers of this blog know, I’m currently visiting my father — “Father,” as he is known — here in Virginia.
Like you would, if he was your father, I rooted around in his cabinets. Figured maybe I’d change everything around in a manner that makes sense to me, as opposed to whatever ridiculous system he’s used to.
Elderly folks love when their visiting children do stuff like that!
Anyway, I came across two of his more exotic spices — “salt” and “pepper.”
Why, here they are now — ladies and gentlemen, let’s give them a big, big hand!
Upon close inspection of these salt & pepper shakers, it occurred to me to wonder — as it would occur to you to wonder if he was your father — why the hell are the tops of them all dented in?
What’s going on here?
They’re not outrageously misshaped, but there’s some dentage there, oh yes!
Then I realized, Father, he’s a man’s man! He seasons his damn food like he means it!
That must be it! Mystery solved!
However, we can’t rule out that those dents didn’t come from him throwing them at the noggin of the last know-it-all kid who decided to reorganize his home.
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As A Matter Of Fact. . .
. . .yes, my Dad still does have that jar of Musterole that was in our house when I was growing up in the 1970s — which seemed old then, and that has traveled with him over the past 40 years or so across three states and a few more living situations than that.
See?
Still got about a third left, too!
According to my calculations, he’ll be in danger of running out in about 2039.
And I was able to figure that out with this…
…the same Casio calculator he’s had since about 1977.
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Stickin’ It To The Eye “Health Care” Industry!
HERE’S SOMETHING you’ll enjoy pondering with me.
I was at my local Walmart recently — oh, save your indignation! I saw you there last year on Black Friday, snatching away the last of the 80″ flat panel HD Smart LCD 3D TVs from some poor pregnant woman with six kids in tow who was going to use her SNAP benefits and a couple of EBT cards to buy it, so you can just take your holier-than-thou attitude about me shopping at Walmart and stuff it! And also, continue reading!
—Ahem, as I was saying, I was at my local Walmart recently, and I saw this:
Now this honestly confused me. Why does anyone need more than one contact lens case, let alone a dozen cases, sold here in a “Value Pack”…?
I mean, you only have one set of eyes, right? You’ve only got one prescription.
And here’s where you gain new respect for me, all because of this:
That, above, ladies and gentlemen, is the contact lens case I received from my optomwhosis when I first got contact lenses…
…in 1988!
I’ve used it for 27 years! I’m not kidding!
I mean, it has to be the same one. I don’t remember ever going out and buying a new case. I’d have no reason to. This one works fine!
And lest you think it’s filthy-dirty, take a gander below:
Here it is, open, still wet from the remnants of last night’s saline solution, and clean as a whistle, I might add.
Here’s the inside of the caps…
…and they’re pristine and still have their rubber rings in perfect working order, not dried out or cracked. I don’t know if they even make contact lens cases with rubber rings like that anymore!
Update! Yes, an update before I’ve even published this!
It seems they still make something very similar to mine, but not exactly like it.
Look. Look!
And I notice this on package…
Pphpt! Yeah, “Change Your Lens Case Monthly” — if you want to piss your money away!
So according to Bausch & Lomb, I’m supposed to change my lens case eight to twelve times more often than I change my so-called “two-week disposable” lenses! What a crock!
I’m kidding about that last part of course. I change my lenses much more regularly. Sure.
[Dr. Emerson, if you haven’t retired (or died) and you’re reading this, I’ll be in for my overdue eye exam next week. Hopefully it’ll be cloudy. Hurts to see when the sun’s out.]
Anyway, while we’re on the subject of the amazing longevity of my health & hygiene accouterments, check out my toothbrush!
Got it in my stocking, Christmas 1976, and she’s served me well ever since!
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Why the Hate, Wyoming?
EVERY night, just after midnight — at precisely 12:01 a.m. — I log into ol’ Google Analytics and check the ol’ traffic to the ol’ blog.
You know, to see what’s trending [industry term] here on Ted Parsnips Dot Com among you, what, six readers; find out what’s hot (Wendy’s Ghost Pepper Fries Review — more hits than anything else, currently), and what’s not (some ridiculous piece I vomited out comparing one of the girls on “Girls” to Edith, dere, on “All In the Family,” that seemed like a good idea at the time — absolute bottom of the list.
I know what you’re thinking: “Jesus-God, there’s a hundred other total crap things this jackass has put up here that’s even worse than that; this is what people are avoiding?!” Hey, I’m as stunned as you are.)
Wow, that was quite a long parenthetical aside, wasn’t it? There was even a paragraph break and it continued!
Anyway!
Now, like everyone else who accesses Google Analytics to track traffic to their websites, I have absolutely no idea what the hell I’m doing. I log into my account, I click a bunch of interesting-looking links, but I have very little concept on how to interpret 95% of the resulting data.
These things I do know: ‘Site Content’ is a no brainer. It generally tells me which posts people are looking at. That much I can decipher.
And “Location” (under “Geo”) is usually kind of fun. It brings up a map of the world, showing where people are looking at my site from.
When I click on a specific nation, it shows me a closeup of that country and can even show me which specific cities and towns my site’s visitors are from. It’s all quite fascinating or scary, depending on how much you think about that, and whether you’re the blogger or the bloggee.
Anyway, as a patriotic American, I care little for the rest of the world, and am only concerned with my country, and, to be more specific, how many people are visiting it, and from where. That hit from Mt. Kisco, New York: Is it my beloved aunt who lives there, making sure I’m not spilling any family secrets online, or is it related to the occasional references I make to personal hero Bennett Cerf, who spent the last part of his life amidst its verdant rolling hills?
Wasilla, Alaska has popped up more than once, begging the question “Could it be Sarah Palin, too, is as much of a fan of anachronistic package design as I am?”
And who would have guessed there’s a place in Tennessee called “Goodlettsville” and someone there decided to visit my blog for some unholy reason?
So here’s what I see tonight:
Notice anything unusual?
Well, let me clue you in by telling you there’s a hole in my heart that’s as big as the state of Wyoming right now. Someone from every other state — even Hawaii and Alaska, our two new states — took time out of his or her busy schedule to visit this website over the past 30 days, but no one — not a single person! — from Wyoming could be bothered! And they’ve got 563,626 persons, plural, in that state. You know how I know? I went on their website! But I guess reciprocity isn’t big in Wyoming, huh? I guess you’re not the Reciprocity State, are you, Wyoming?
Nope. According to their website, Wyoming is the so-called “Equality State.”
Well, I’ll tell you one thing, brother — it didn’t get its nickname from showing…equality among…uh… from showing equality to websites…eh…like mine by, um… by visiting them!
…Yeah!
But I’m not going to be petty. Maybe — just perhaps! — it’s…me.
Maybe it’s the stuff I post here, despite the fact that every single letter, each and every punctuation mark — including dashes and seemingly liberal use of italicization — are agonized over!
Perhaps content such as “National Thrift Store Throw These The Hell Out Day” and fried bologna sandwich recipes and whatever the hell this was supposed to be just doesn’t resonate with our Wyoming neighbors. Who knows?
But I’ll tell you one thing: I aim to fix it!
So, bearing all that in mind, be sure to come back tomorrow for the debut of a brand new feature!
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Update! — Mere Hours Later!
The good people at Visit Wyoming (@wyomingtourism on the Twitter) saw my needy, high-maintenance tweet and were kind enough to respond!
@TedParsnips @TodayinWyoming Just visited. We hope it helps fill the empty space on your map and in your heart. Come see us sometime!
— Visit Wyoming (@wyomingtourism) June 19, 2015
Look at that! All I had to do is ask! That’s the kind of folks they got in Wyoming — good folks!
You bet I’ll come and see Wyoming sometime! —Come back and see ‘er again, that is!
For as regular readers of this blog know, I was there about ten years ago and enjoyed such sights as Devil’s Tower, an A&W restaurant in the middle of nowhere along a highway where they still serve root beer in frosty mugs, and a Walmart where I was evidently so caught up in everything Wyom-ish that I decided it was a good idea to buy a cowboy hat and wear it for a few days. Thank God this was in the days before cell-phonular photography.
We know we belong to the land,
And the land we belong to is grand!
And when we saaay
Yeeow! Aye-yip-aye-yo-ee-aaay!
We’re only sayin’
You’re doin’ fine, Wyoming!
Wyoming, O.K.! -
Zumba Versus Yoga!
Since when is the well-timed squeeze of a whoopee cushion when the entire stupid yoga class is doing the stupid Downward Dog considered “disrespecting others”?!
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From the Law Offices of Company Logo, LLP!
HERE’S a fun one that will brighten your day.
I was playing one of those electronic games on my iPod, and like you, I’m too cheap to pony up the $1.99 for the paid version, so I just download the free version and deal with an ad every eight to ten seconds or so.
Anyway, here’s one that came up recently:
Evidently this guy’s specialty is homeowner association disputes, but I bet the makers of Donut Dash hope he doesn’t know much about the law with regards to online advertising contracts…or else he might sue them for not including his name in the ad! Ha!
Yep — already sent it off to the folks at Reader’s Digest. Keep your fingers crossed!
Ted Parsnips
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