Big Lots Presents Your First Baby!

So  I was at Big Lots the other day looking for a dented barbecue grill with chipped paint and missing hardware…

Bingo!

Anyway, I happened across these things:

…And it occurred to me that the reason the shelves are so full is that in this neighborhood, most girls have already had their first baby!

Posted by Ted on October 24, 2012, 4:11 AM.

Flyer Alarm!

WE’RE UP TO 47.

That’s the current tally of mailbox-jamming political ads and flyers I’ve received so far over the last few weeks.

It may not seem like much, but considering every single one is on thick, almost cardstock-like paper, none smaller than 8-1/2 X 11″ (and most of them were at least that size folded – they opened up even larger), and I have a post office box that I don’t check but once a week if that, this is indeed quite a lot. Especially for an apathetic voter such as myself who prides himself on staying as uninformed as possible.

When I’ve gone to collect my mail these things have been crammed in there tighter than the delicious salty, hairy fish in a can of Haddon House rolled anchovies with capers – and pulling them out was similarly messy and left me feeling just as dirty.

By the way, candidates, if you’re listening…? I read virtually none of your ads. This was the one exception:

An ambitious little brochure – eight pages long – it’s laid out as a children’s book with adorable illustrations showing Congressman Howard Berman enjoying the perks of being a US Representative by spending taxpayers’ money.

I have to hand it to Brad Sherman, Howard Berman’s opponent for the congressional seat: I really loved this flyer; it’s delightful.

Oh, by the way, despite the clever political ad, I don’t actually like Sherman, so neither Berman nor Sherman will be getting my much sought-after vote – or since I don’t have to show photo ID – votes. Me, I’ll be voting for a different candidate entirely.

Anyway, the volume of political mail from this election cycle must be doing wonders for the near-bankrupt USPS. Why, I’ll bet we won’t see another rate increase for at least another couple weeks!

Posted by Ted on October 22, 2012, 11:18 AM.

Save Big Bucks!

SEEMS it never rains in Southern California, the song goes, it pours. Right after you’ve put up a yard sale sign with ink that’s going to run.

Still, we can read it and “Everything Brand New In Box” might imply a marriage that imploded right after the wedding. However, most of the merchandise is pluralized, so we must assume there are multiples of each, and therefore perhaps we’re dealing with goods that, eh, fell off a truck. So to speak.

And speaking of plurals, there are hundreds of thousands of people on the internet better, smarter, wittier than me who get angrier than I do and can work themselves up into an indignant yet snarky froth over unnecessary apostrophes. I’m not going to even attempt to match their brilliance. I’ll save my anger for reasonable things, like being the only person in the world who ever got a parking ticket.

Yet I’m still left wondering why “iron’s” and nothing else?

Posted by Ted on October 17, 2012, 3:04 AM.

Oh Sure!

SURE!  Spirit Halloween Stores have no problem, no problem whatsoever, mocking all of Christianity by offering this offensive to me – and now you! – “Jesus” costume!

Oh, but merely ask them if they carry a costume of the central figure of another major religion – one recently in the news and perhaps a bit controversial – and everyone gets nervous!

Well, that’s fine! Forget it, Spirit Halloween Stores! Just forget it!

Your hypocrisy, your misguided political-correctness and your abject cowardice just lost you a customer!

I’ll make my own goddamn Sun Myung Moon costume!

First – let’s see here – well, it looks like it’s off to Burger King for me!

Posted by Ted on October 12, 2012, 2:17 PM.

Nine Times Out Of Ten…

…the emergency is averted by just getting here in time.

But, hoo boy, that tenth instance…!

I don’t care what you do for a living! Unless you’re stationed on the other end of this phone, you’re not allowed to complain about your job.

Posted by Ted on , 12:32 PM.

Okay, Now What?

Posted by Ted on October 11, 2012, 12:00 PM.

Wanna Buy A Duck?

Mattel was going to go with “I’m Solemn Solomon, the Forlorn, Morose, Despondent Duck Who Looks Like He’s About To Burst Into Tears At Any Second,” but that didn’t test well in focus groups.

Posted by Ted on , 1:54 AM.

Remember How I Mentioned The Twelve Temporary Halloween Stores in My Neighborhood?

My mistake! I meant thirteen.

Here’s one, in the old abandoned Circuit City place:

And here’s a shot of the side of that same building:

Note that I have circled something in the distance, in the left of the photo.

It is – of course! –

…another Halloween store! And we’re not talking two competing temporary Halloween stores! They’re both Spirit Halloween stores!

In the same shopping center! A few hundred yards apart!

So if you forget something for your costume at the first store, and don’t want to drive (or, God forbid, walk) all the way back there, you can just go to the second store!

God bless America!

Posted by Ted on October 7, 2012, 10:40 AM.

So I Was In One Of The Twelve Temporary Halloween Stores In My Neighborhood…

…and talk about flashbacks! It was like I was in Virginia again!

Only the ones back there are much bigger.

Posted by Ted on October 5, 2012, 1:10 AM.

Mask Task!

Halloween’s a few weeks away!  It’s an election year!  Your costume choices are clear!

So who are you going to go as?

Romney?!

Really.  I…see.

Just curious, though: By dressing as him for Halloween, will you be making fun of him…? Or supporting him…?

No, no, wait!  Don’t answer that!  This isn’t a political blog! It’s none of my – none of anyone’s! – business!

But I just think it’s kind of interesting you’d automatically go for the white guy.

No, look, it’s totally cool. It’s all in fun, white? I mean – it’s all in fun, right?

Nothing wrong about choosing the white guy. Picking the white guy over the black guy doesn’t make you “racist!” C’mon! We’re all sophisticated people here! You want to go as Romney, go as Romney! Have some fun with it!

Hey, no big deal. Just because apparently you refuse to buy the other mask. Because the mask of the black guy isn’t good enough for you…!

No, no, go for it – get the white mask! I’m sure it’s not the first time you’ve put on a white mask.

…What?  Really!  You’ve changed your mind! And decided to go as Obama! Interesting!

Hey, whatever, it’s your decision. Doesn’t matter to me who you go as. It’s Halloween – a time for having fun, right?

Anyway, let’s get you that Obama mask.

Go ahead. Pick one out.

We’re all very interested to see which one you choose.

Posted by Ted on October 3, 2012, 1:42 AM.