French Fries!

You know, it’s been hot here in Southern California these past few days – but not only during the day. Oh no. It’s also hot at night.

Very early this morning, three a.m. it was, I was sweltering in bed, writhing beneath my sweat-soaked, greasy, Hawaiian Tropic-stained, sandy bedclothes (Like you, I didn’t shower after coming home from the beach on the Fourth of July – too tired!), unable to doze off. I had to be at a meeting at ten o’clock! I needed some sleep!

Ambien? The goddamn pharmacy won’t give me any more refills.  A stiff drink? Well, maybe, but then I’m going to want to find a karaoke bar. Besides, what fun is a stiff drink without Ambien? Suddenly I remembered this:

Of course! McDonald’s can help! So I got in the car and drove over to the local Golden Arches to pick myself up a large order of fries.

“Make sure they’re good an’ hot!” I directed the gal through the speaker.
“¿Que?”
“Nevermind, just get my fries! My fries, woman – I need to get home and sleep!”

Oh, you know I kept that bag good and closed all the way home. Once there, I climbed back in bed, dumped the contents on the pillow next to my head and began pulling them into my mouth a fry at a time, darting my tongue in and out of my mouth like a Gilbert’s skink.

McDonald’s fries work quickly: I was probably only on Fry 4 or 5 before they did their job and I was suddenly in the Land of Nod.  I woke up refreshed some hours later – not fatigued as you’d be from, say, Wendy’s fries.

As you know from the time we had to share that bed at the Peppermill in Reno, I’m a violent sleeper – flailing about while I slumber like a Gilbert’s Skink caught in the jaws of a hungry coyote.  So while I slept, I must have mashed the hell out of the uneaten fries into a sort of paste with my head.

And here’s the most amazing part: where this mass of frymush had adhered to my scalp, my chronic eczema all but disappeared! Sure, I had been picking it out of my hair while meeting with a potential publisher that morning about a new project (the fries worked so good I overslept and hadn’t time for breakfast), but after realizing its additional medicinal properties, I stopped snacking and left the rest of it in/on there.

However: No word yet on whether they’ll alleviate that undiagnosed skin condition on my left foot. But as a handful or two of the fries have migrated down to the bottom of the bed, I’ll have a definitive answer to this in a day or so.  Stay tuned!

Posted by Ted on July 6, 2011, 5:35 PM.