I Have Tried The New Taco Bell Doritos Tacos! A Review!

GUESS what! I tried that new “Doritos Loco Taco” from Taco Bell!

And perhaps by writing about it here, this site may top six visitors today.

I was going to go to Taco Bell at midnight Wednesday night for the much-anticipated launch (industry term) of this culinary delight, but then I’d have to give up my place in line for “The Hunger Games” outside the Viceroyalty Dollar Theater on Arroyo and San Fernando in Pacoima. Regular readers of this blog know I’m an unashamed HungerGuy (which is what we fans of “The Hunger Games” universally agreed to call ourselves – well, “HungerGuy” for the guys and “HungerGal” for the gals) since I picked up a copy of the first book while hanging out in the “Planet Teen” section of the library a few years ago. (They have beanbag chairs there.)

As you know, as of this writing, “The Hunger Games” opens in just fourteen days, six hours and twelve minutes, and I plan on being among the first to see it. Well, I had planned to, anyway, until the manager pointed out to me that it’s a dollar theater, they never show any new releases, and they wouldn’t be getting “The Hunger Games” until at least late-April – and then, only a Spanish-dubbed print.

That bit of unfortunate news, multiple citations for vagrancy, and the scabies I picked up from letting a talkative fellow named Durrel (his spelling, not mine, I assure you) share my sleeping bag for warmth (after he shared his bottle of Boone’s Farm Snow Creek Berry with me) convinced me to give up and head home. I guess it’s just as well – I’d forgotten that Becca switched weekends with me again so I have the goddamn kids from six p.m. tonight until Sunday night at seven.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah, so today I bought one of those new “Doritos Loco Tacos.”  They come in two varieties: Regular and Taco Supreme.  I decided to splurge and go for the Taco Supreme variety since all of this can be written off come tax time.  And also a small Pepsi.

Here is what that looked like:

Now for the unboxing, or as I like to call it, the unbagging.

So here it is, partially unwrapped.  (You have to do these things slowly; build up a sense of anticipation.  Learned that from my blogging mentor, or blogntor, as I have dubbed her, Sylvia Haynes-Darden.)

Let’s take it a step further. Ready?  Here we go!

Here you can see it comes in a little stiff paper holder.  These will be very collectible in the years to come, so I licked the sour cream and grease off mine and packed it away. (I may buy another taco just for the holder and put it up on eBay “to see how it does.”  Stay tuned.)

Okay, here it is:

There’s the actual Doritos Loco Taco, unfettered by its cardboard trappings; nude if you will.  As you can see, it’s Dorito orange in hue.

The taste?  It’s like…a Taco Bell Taco Supreme in a vaguely Dorito-esque shell.  Eh, it was okay.  The problem with taking Taco Bell food home – that is, not eating it right away, fresh off the griddle – is that the taco shells get soggy. Such was the case here – and I sped home like Old Scratch himself was after me. But until the good people at Yum! Brands start taking my back-of-receipt survey answers seriously and open a Taco Bell within three blocks of my home rather than the current inconvenient six blocks, there’s little I can do about that.

Also, I hated how I got Dorito residue on my fingers, and then had to risk getting that on my expensive blogging camera to take the damn pictures. I imagine everyone else blogging about this now is saying the exact same thing – so I guess the idea of me bringing a fresh perspective on reviewing a new fast food item has been shot to hell quicker than this combination of ground beef, lettuce, diced tomatoes, shredded cheese, sour cream, Dorito shell and eight packets of hot sauce will be shooting out of me within the next hour or so.

All in all, I wouldn’t buy it again – I’ll stick with the Dorito grit-free regular Taco Supremes, thank y–  …eh, muchas gracias very much. You know, if you ask me, this whole new Dorito taco campaign is just a lot of pointless hoopla – or, since this is a chain selling Mexican food we’re talking about, all this jupla.  It’s a lot of nothing, or as the proud Mexican people say – those who brought their delicious food to our shores – as they say, it’s nada.

Really, the only good melding of snack- and fast-foods are the HushFunyuns at Long John Silver’s – part of their unadvertised “secret menu.” You have to ask for ’em special.

Well, that and the Sausage McCheeto but that’s something I make for myself and there’s not a goddamn thing McDonald’s can do about it.  Not a goddamn thing.

Posted by Ted on March 9, 2012, 3:43 PM.