Noisy Birds: An Update

AS I told you last week, in addition to every other damn human-related noise I’m subjected to in this God-forsaken neighborhood, the wildlife has it out for me as well.

And I thought it was bad when I wrote that first thing! It only got worse! Two days later I’m dealing with this:

(I commissioned myself to update the picture from the first post.
I’m also considering maybe getting one of my guns all inked up, so I sketched that in, too.)

As you can see, the racket had gotten more than a little out of control. I could barely see myself glower anymore.

And then!

Then, the next day, it lessened by precisely half! Oh, it was still bad, but like I said, by half!

How could this be? What happened?

Well! I was in the backyard burying money in coffee cans as we all do at the end of every month when we’ve got some left over from the mortgage payment, when I saw this:

As I live and breathe, right in front of me, at my feet, one of the very culprits responsible for the disruption of my peace and quiet!  And me with a sturdy shovel in my hands! (By the way, turns out it wasn’t a pterodactyl after all. Or “pteranodon,” you nitpickers. It was what I originally thought it was – a baby red-tailed hawk!)

And what a baby! This thing was literally the size of a chicken! (Now here’s where I should have put a Toolie Bird by it for scale! But you don’t think about these things until it’s too late.)

Its nest was at the very top of a tree that is easily 70 feet tall, if not more. And somehow it got from there…to the ground. I guess its first attempt at soloing didn’t quite go as planned. And it could no longer fly (if it had ever been able to).

Here’s what’ll surprise you: As much as this thing and its still-screeching sibling had aggravated me – and brother, let me tell you, they aggravated the holy hell out of me – when I approached it, and it looked at me with those big raptor eyes, I melted. You would, too. I know you would.

It was that moment when I finally understood how my friends with children felt when they saw their newborn babies for the first time.

Anyway, the poor thing was obviously hungry and as much as I would welcome any excuse to knock off a few squirrels around here to feed it, I don’t need to give the neighbors reason to get up another petition.

So I improvised with what I had in the house (Thank God I had the foresight to buy all that leftover Easter candy from three nearby Walgreens a few weeks ago!) and I’m pleased to say that my new friend Jellybeans is doing great.

I take him (Or her. Who the hell knows?) with me everywhere, tethered by a short length of sturdy rope, just like that French kid did with the red balloon in the movie of the same name. So I’m currently working up a treatment about the experience and am hopeful that Hollywood will soon come knoc–

Oh for God’s sake I called a wildlife rescue organization and they picked it up.  Damn bird’s fine.

Posted by Ted on June 2, 2011, 9:00 AM.