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Former Hostess Employee Finds Work!
HEY, this kid I know used to work for Hostess, but then he was let go a week or so ago. Crap! But he’s a regular go-getter – not one to sit around and mope and complain and just wait for something to fall into his lap. He goes out there and makes things happen!
So he saw an opportunity, realized he had to slightly reinvent himself, maybe start wearing pants, change his look just a little…
…and bingo! He got the job! Just like that! He’s already back in the work force!
Look! Look!
Good for him, right?
I think he looks happier than ever – probably because he’s no longer worried about his job. Or maybe because he’s started carrying a gun. Who can say?
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#632 – Huell Howser’s Retirement!
Terrible news: Huell Howser is retiring!
Could I offer any better tribute to the man who has celebrated Los Angeles (and all of California) for over a quarter century – covering places and people and events that often make me think (however fleetingly) “Maybe this city isn’t such a bad place after all” – than to label his retirement as #632 in a non-sequential list of reasons to get the hell out of LA?
If Huell ain’t doing new shows, brother, that’s one less reason to stick around.
For those of you outside of California, for more than twenty-five years, a friendly fellow name of Huell Howser hosted a series of informal travelogue-y shows on public television in California. They’re nearly each and every one a delight. Earlier this week came the sad and very unexpected news that he has retired from making new shows.
Every so often, there’d be a story in the paper about Huell and his enduring appeal. After reading a number of them over the years, I realized that when writing about Huell Howser, nearly all California newspaper style guides (or editors) apparently require the reporter to specifically point out the following things:
• He says “Amazing!” a lot. Yes, well, I suppose he does.
• Many people do an impression of him and/or make fun of him. And most of those impressions begin and end at the word “amazing” delivered in a poor approximation of a Tennesseean drawl, the same way when back in the mid-80s it seems all impressions of Billy Crystal’s impression of Fernando Lamas were limited to a cringe-inducing “You look mahvelous.”
• He has a folksy, unpolished, unsophisticated, unpretentious charm. The man is guilty as charged. As such, all articles must describe him or his style as at least “folksy,” but most articles manage to cram in all four adjectives.
• He brings an unbridled “gee-whiz” enthusiasm to his shows. It’s absolutely mandatory to employ the phrase “gee-whiz” as an adjective when penning articles about Huell. Close second and third: “my-gosh” and “aw-shucks.” Though of the three, Huell only actually says “Oh my gosh!” with any regularity.
• The author genuinely – not ironically! – likes watching his shows. It’s unfortunate that we live in an age where one feels the need to point out that one’s enjoyment of Huell Howser’s programs is sincere. Why the hell else would you tune in? You can chuckle at his occasional overt goofiness – and yes, you’re laughing at him, not with him – but his approach is honest and straightforward. It’s doubtful anyone’s watching because they appreciate him on some, eugh, “meta” level inaccessible to the rest of us.
That said, it’s quite a different thing to take Huell’s stuff out of context and edit it or whittle it down for comic effect. Two of my, and now your, favorites:
For me, there’s no such thing as a single favorite episode because there are too many gems, especially when you include the old “Videolog” segments (with their glorious 80s intro).
But among the contenders, in my book: The lint lady. Vincent Price and his art collection. A visit to the Ackermansion. Musso & Frank Grill (where Vic “Theme Song” Mizzy wanders into the shot and introduces himself as a chief surgeon). Rubel Castle in Glendora. Swimming in the Neptune Pool at Hearst Castle. The Salton Sea. The batty woman in Ventura with all the crap in her front yard overflowing onto the street that she considered art. (A particularly delightful rarity because Huell actually glances sidelong at the camera at one point with raised eyebrows.) The trip to Cuba. The amphicar. And a few dozen others at least.
Is there anyone who saw the episodes about the teardrop trailers and the peanut butter donuts in Westwood and didn’t immediately want to buy one of the former and fill them up with the latter? Answer: No.
Huell would often re-introduce specific old segments as “Classics.” Why bother? They’re all classics. Well, except for the one about the guy and his jalapeño pepper plants. I always fall asleep during that one.
A 1997 episode saw Huell visiting with the cameraman of “The Happy Wanderers” – a California road-tripping program with a good-natured and slightly goofy host – which Huell seemed to realize was very much a 60s and 70s precursor to his own shows. All but forgotten today with very little about it online, not a single clip of the show even exists on YouTube – all the more sad because the “Happy Wanderers” cameraman mentioned he had 16mm prints of the episodes in his garage and was hoping to transfer them to a more modern format and make them available. Who knows what happened?
With clips galore on YouTube, Huell’s own website, and KCET announcing they’ll continue to air his shows (for a while, anyway), we should all of us be thankful, is what, that Huell Howser’s body of work won’t suffer a similar fate.
Enjoy your retirement, Huell! I’ll raise a forkful of turkey sandwich at the Tallyrand in your honor.
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Powerball Mania!
IT’S sweeping the nation!
It’s even the top story on Google News as I write this.
Look! Look!
Yes! There’s no unrest in Egypt!
Obama has solved every problem in America!
And apparently Mitt Romney is neither at Disneyland nor pumping gas today! So why shouldn’t this be the top story?
Google News lets users personalize their content – how personalized is this? It’s geared to one specific reader: The one who wins the jackpot!
If someone does!
Welcome to journalism in the 21st century, folks!
And then there’s the Powerball site itself in all its Web 1.0 glory:
An over $500 million jackpot…and the game’s website – complete with ads for refinancing your home (in the off-chance you don’t have the winning ticket) – looks like the project the slow guy on the Ted Parsnips Web Design Team did for his junior high computer class project in 1997.
So, folks, go ahead and piss your money away on Powerball tickets if you want to. Go ahead! Who’s stopping you?!
Anyone with a brain in their head knows your only real chance at getting rich is with Scratchers.
Ooh! Almost!
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Another Example Of Society’s Mounting Stupidity!
I REALIZE I run the risk of alienating the, what, six of you who occasionally wander on here to kill some time when there’s no new interesting cat videos on YouTube if I start complaining about the irritating minutia of my day-to-day life too much, but, aaah, the hell with it, right?
Here is a photo I took of the TV screen in the living room. Yes, yes, yes, let’s all make fun of me for “Teen Wolf.” Look, Kaitlyn loves that show, sure. But beside that, do you see anything, hmm, out of the ordinary, say?
Let me spell it out for you: The titles are not alphabetized correctly.
When arranging a list of items in alphabetical order, you disregard the word “the” at the beginning of a title.
Like you, I learned this in second grade.
So when I’m scrolling through the things I’ve recorded, I get about half of them in the right order and then I hit the Ts with some (but not all!) titles which are alphabetized starting with “The.”
That is, some shows with “The” in the title are alphabetized beginning with the first main word; others, such as “The Amazing Race” and “The Men Who Stare At Goats” are alphabetized starting with “The.” There’s absolutely no consistency!
I realize that in the grand scheme of things, this is not a life-altering issue. But on the other hand, it’s presumably someone’s specific job at Dish Network to input the titles alphabetically for viewing on menu screens like this. So he (or she) is doing it completely wrong!
And who suffers?
Me, who has to spend another 0.7 seconds scrolling down to “The Price Is Right.”
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And Then There Are Some Hostess Products That, Even Now, Nobody Wants
Nor will anyone miss.
Fourteen pounds of Hostess Holiday Fruitcake still available at Walmart in West Hills, folks!
No need to rush! Doubtful they’re going anywhere soon.
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A Day For Giving Thanks!
…for my world-famous deviled eggs – that is, if you were lucky enough to wrangle an invite to stately Parsnips manor.
Mmmm-mmm! That’s a gooooood deviled egg! Good deviled egg!
While you’re here, why not add something to the always-falling-off-the-fridge Kitchen White Board, a Parsnips Family Tradition that I started last night while preparing my renowned Sea Foam Salad and drinking.
I think there’s a little room left next to Boolreenkle. However, before you add anything, if you could sketch a rough image of what you intend to do on this cocktail napkin here. Just so I can be sure it fits the theme and that you have a good grasp of the house style. (Yes, yes, “pepperoni” and “shrimps” went up there when I wasn’t looking – what can you do?)
Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving! Happy Thanksgiving to one and all of, what, the six of you.
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Helping the Stupid People!
It’s what I do!
Why did I buy these?
To help the stupid people, of course!
By purchasing these, it’s one less package for some dumbass to waste his or her money on and then put on eBay in hopes that they’re the only genius who thought of this and that they’re actually going to become rich selling secondhand Twinkies.
Also, I wanted something I could feel good about for breakfast tomorrow.
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Dunt, Dunt, Dunt-Dunt – Dunt, Dunt, Dunt-Dunt…Deedle-ee…Deedle-ee…Deedle-ee, Dun-Nuh!
Good morning, Jim.
What you’re looking at is an all-transistor Apolec tape recorder, Model RA-11, manufactured in 1963 by a Japanese firm called Sunwave Industrial Company.
As you can see, the device originally retailed for $15.87 at Thrifty, a now-defunct drug store chain. Today, in its current state, it has been arbitrarily priced nearly ten dollars more.
In an effort to raise money for its overseas terrorist operations, the Syndicate has taken over local Goodwill thrift stores and labeled old, damaged items with criminally high price tags.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to infiltrate Goodwill, drive out the Syndicate, reform their pricing policies, and ensure prices commensurate with the values of obsolete, second-hand, donated merchandise.
As always, should you or any member of your IM Force be caught, killed or seen trying on used socks, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.
This tape recorder will self-destruct and blow all the fuses in the store as soon as you plug it in to test it.
Good luck, Jim.
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What’s Bueno: Taco Bell Home Originals!
“SURE, I like Taco Bell food,” we’ve all of us said, “but driving to Taco Bell, sitting in the car, talking to that impersonal squawk box, and then having to reach out the window to grab the bag – really, who has time for all that hassle?!”
Then along came Taco Bell Home Originals – “Taco Bell” because it’s made by the good folks at Taco Bell, “Home” because that’s where you prepare it, and “Originals” because evidently it was Opposite Day in the marketing department when they decided on a name.
And what could be easier? Just go to the 99¢ Only Store, pick up a box of Taco Bell Home Originals (in this case “Cheesy Double Decker Taco Dinner”), ground beef, lettuce, tomatoes and sour cream. (I suppose this really is a “Home Original” because the restaurant version includes refried beans though the picture on the box above does not. But you’re already in the store, so you can pick up a can of those, too.)
By the way, you’re going to have to drop by the supermarket as well: Many 99¢ Onlys now sell some produce and dairy products but sadly, fresh ground beef hasn’t yet made it to their hallowed and discounted aisles. Someday…!
Once you get home, it’s time to roll up your sleeves and get to work – browning the beef, washing the tomatoes and lettuce, and respectively dicing and shredding them. Better get those refried beans out of the can and into a small pot on the stove. Now lay down your tortillas, open up that nacho cheese sauce packet and squeeze away, brother! Ooh, don’t forget to stir the beans! Next, simply place a hard taco shell on each tortilla, wrap it around – careful now, that cheese sauce gets everywhere! And be gentle, friend! Too hard and you’ll snap the two shells that weren’t already a jigsaw puzzle of sharp, broken shards when you opened the box.
Time to start spooning in the ground beef (you remembered to drain it, right?), dolloping on some sour cream, and adding lettuce and a sprinkling of diced tomatoes. Wait, what’s that burning smell?! Oh, no – the beans! Surely you’ll be able to salvage a tablespoon or so of them. Eh…except they were supposed to go on the tortillas with the cheese. Ah well. Next time, right?
How you’ll chuckle to yourself as you think about the plight of those poor suckers sitting in the drive-thru line down the street as you prepare this fun and delicious homemade Taco Bell meal, and then again later as you clean up the kitchen and do all those dishes. (Better let the refried bean pot soak overnight.) Oh, and remember to stop at the ATM on the way to work tomorrow because somehow you’re out of cash.
Anyway, like me, you’re baffled how such an awesome product ended up at the 99¢ Only Store, but also like me, you’re sure glad it did.
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Birdwatching!
HERE’S something I don’t quite understand.
This guy here:
As you can see, he’s the mascot for Penguin Brand Dry Ice.
How’d they do that? It’s clearly this guy here:
Only they’ve taken the pom-pom off the hat and given him a bow tie.
Maybe the dry ice industry – Big Dry Ice – made the argument that there’s only so many ways to draw a cartoon penguin.
But Universal Studios, who owns and licenses the entire Walter Lantz stable of characters, is notoriously litigious and protective of its properties.
So how does Penguin Dry Ice get away with that but my latest business venture gets shut down on opening night?
Ted Parsnips
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