Oh Sure!

SURE!  Spirit Halloween Stores have no problem, no problem whatsoever, mocking all of Christianity by offering this offensive to me – and now you! – “Jesus” costume!

Oh, but merely ask them if they carry a costume of the central figure of another major religion – one recently in the news and perhaps a bit controversial – and everyone gets nervous!

Well, that’s fine! Forget it, Spirit Halloween Stores! Just forget it!

Your hypocrisy, your misguided political-correctness and your abject cowardice just lost you a customer!

I’ll make my own goddamn Sun Myung Moon costume!

First – let’s see here – well, it looks like it’s off to Burger King for me!

Posted by Ted on October 12, 2012, 2:17 PM.

Nine Times Out Of Ten…

…the emergency is averted by just getting here in time.

But, hoo boy, that tenth instance…!

I don’t care what you do for a living! Unless you’re stationed on the other end of this phone, you’re not allowed to complain about your job.

Posted by Ted on , 12:32 PM.

Okay, Now What?

Posted by Ted on October 11, 2012, 12:00 PM.

Wanna Buy A Duck?

Mattel was going to go with “I’m Solemn Solomon, the Forlorn, Morose, Despondent Duck Who Looks Like He’s About To Burst Into Tears At Any Second,” but that didn’t test well in focus groups.

Posted by Ted on , 1:54 AM.

New ‘Peanuts’ Feature Film Announced!

Awesome!  I can’t wait!  If it’s only half as good as 1980’s cinematic masterpiece “Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown (And Don’t Come Back!),” it’ll be well worth the wait!

“We know how dedicated, how fanatical these Peanuts fans are. If you…take [the characters] in the wrong place…you’re going to hear about it,” says Craig Schulz, son of Peanuts creator Charles Schulz. “All I can do is…be as true to my dad’s work as I can…and I believe the rest of the family is really dedicated to that.”

Excellent! I’m glad all the Schulzes are serious about keeping ol’ Sparky’s legacy intact and the characters in line with their father’s vision of them.

I’m so excited about the news that this weekend I’m going to put on my favorite Snoopy drinking shirt, hit the bars, and celebrate!

Posted by Ted on October 10, 2012, 10:17 AM.

Doggie Dress-Up!

HEY, how about this!

Not only does the 99¢ Only store have a pet section, and a Halloween costume section, but they also have a pet Halloween costume section!

And they’ve got today’s hottest styles, too – witch, ghost, angel, sexy plumber, pirate. All your favorites are here!

Here’s one now:

Here comes “Lil’ Princess” – and isn’t she adorable!

In the image above, “Lil’ Princess” is expressing (in stylish Comic Sans) a positive, holiday-appropriate sentiment.

I don’t buy it. I think we all know this is a little more accurate:

Speaking of euthanization, here’s another candidate for the rainbow bridge:

Sure, the animal doesn’t look unhappy, but it’s one of those noisy little rat dogs that no one likes and really has no reason for existence; you’ll agree that’s good enough for a one-way trip to Econo-Vet.

Of some concern to me, and now you, is why the “Brady Bunch” typeface is so popular on Halloween merchandise. Perhaps I’m showing my age, but I posit that whoever’s doing package design for dollar store product is too young to recognize it as anything other than a “fun” font. And frankly, that’s disturbing.

However, the most distressing aspect of the package is this:

Distressing not to you or I, of course. Distressing to the cats.

Those tense, uncomfortable looks of anxiety on their faces tell us they quickly went from “Ha ha ha! Only an idiotic, subservient dog would allow itself to be dressed in a costume!” to  “Wait – what did they say? Fits who also?!”

I ran this by Mr. Whiskers and he assured me that if I want to see unholy amounts of blood and gore this Halloween, there’s no reason to rent “The Hills Have Eyes.” I need only attempt to put such a costume on him, and be sure to pre-book a spot in line at the emergency room.

Ironically, they call this one “Best Friend”:

“Not after you make me wear this get-up in public,” Tuffy’s once trusting and now unforgiving eyes seem to say.

Here’s comes “My Baby”:

Presumably “I’m Unable and/or Not Allowed To Have Children Of My Own” didn’t fit on the back of the cape.

Since the canine model on this package is another of those evil, high-strung, yip-yap dogs…

…the costume is completely superfluous.

Interesting to note that they used the same dog for the “Angel” costume.

What kind of torturous moral dilemma might you be facing to find one of each – poof! – suddenly appear opposite one another on your shoulders and offer you conflicting advice via constant high-pitched barking directly into your ears? Just a guess: Something involving puppy-sitting your girlfriend’s irritating Pomeranian while she’s out of town and the traveling Mexican dog circus is passing through. I know you’ll make the right decision. Just have plenty of Kleenex on hand when you tell her.

“Walk Me” is the curious title of our next little number:

Apparently putting a red cross on the bonnet instead of a purple heart and printing “Florence Nightingale” on the cape was either too esoteric or disrespectful. And then they’d have to include a little lamp, which would push the price point a good nickel or two past ninety-nine cents only.

Finally, here’s Bowser with “Let’s Run!”

I got news for you, pal – the time to run was when they were coming towards you with the costume.

By the way – credit where credit is due: Most of these ensembles are made by the good folks at “FurBrainz”…

 …and made for pet-dressing people who are best described by adding a profanity in front of said manufacturer.

Posted by Ted on October 9, 2012, 12:17 AM.

I Hold In My Hand The Last Envelope!

Skeleton…Garland.

What’s in the crypt of the star of “The Wizard of Oz”?

Posted by Ted on October 8, 2012, 2:27 AM.

Remember How I Mentioned The Twelve Temporary Halloween Stores in My Neighborhood?

My mistake! I meant thirteen.

Here’s one, in the old abandoned Circuit City place:

And here’s a shot of the side of that same building:

Note that I have circled something in the distance, in the left of the photo.

It is – of course! –

…another Halloween store! And we’re not talking two competing temporary Halloween stores! They’re both Spirit Halloween stores!

In the same shopping center! A few hundred yards apart!

So if you forget something for your costume at the first store, and don’t want to drive (or, God forbid, walk) all the way back there, you can just go to the second store!

God bless America!

Posted by Ted on October 7, 2012, 10:40 AM.

Well, There Goes My Saturday Night!

Hmm… I wonder how much pure vanilla extract I can buy for two bucks.

Posted by Ted on October 6, 2012, 6:03 PM.

One Size Fits Most!

These are kind of vaguely creepy, right? Or is it just me?

I mean, we all know I’m vaguely creepy, but I’m talking about the “child fishnet tights” here.

Call me old fashioned, but it just seems that they’re kind of inappropriate for a little girl to wear.

But it’s cool if I wear them, right?

Posted by Ted on , 10:05 AM.