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Disgusting Pig!
SO I just ran up to the Filipino market up the street to pick up some takeout…?
Since I was there anyway, I just made a quick run around the store to see if there was anything else I needed.
And I found something interesting.
I wouldn’t have thought it, because I’d never heard of her before…? And I didn’t realize she was that famous…? But the star of that movie I rented last night apparently has her own line of foods!
And this Ginger Juice is “instant” – unlike the actress Ginger Juice! I’m telling you, I had to fast-forward through titles, credits, and probably six or seven minutes of pointless setup and talking -talking-talking…!
Enjoy this one, folks – by tomorrow I’ll probably have come to my senses and pulled it down.
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Get Off My Lawn! Yard!
HERE’S SOMETHING I need some help with and maybe you can help me out:
What the hell is up with lanyards?
Is this just a Los Angeles thing? Or is this nonsense going on all over the country?
Over the past three years or so, countless thousands – maybe millions – of otherwise rational-thinking people have decided that the thing to do is to start carrying their keys on a damn “lanyard.” Like this jackass:
By the way, this isn’t the first instance of me getting caught taking pictures of men’s midsections, but at least this time it wasn’t in the fitting rooms at JCPenney, I had a semi-plausible excuse, and I was able to successfully run away.
Anyway, I see this literally dozens of times each day, everywhere, on men and women – the lanyard hanging out of the pocket – and I want to understand, I really do, but I don’t! I just don’t get it!
Why don’t I get it? Well, maybe it’ll help if you see my keychain.
Four simple items: metal key ring, house key, car key, and spark plug gapper that I have no idea how to use but it was a buck at Pep Boys and it impresses the ladies.
“What’s that, Ted?”
“Spark plug gapper.”
“Oooh…!”I’ve wracked my brain trying to understand the popularity of lanyards as well as the pros and cons of owning one and so far I’ve come up with a bunch of cons but only one pro:
A lot of people who, a few years ago, didn’t know what a “lanyard” is have since broadened their vocabulary by exactly one word.
I understand and appreciate the concept of a lanyard as an efficient way to carry an ID card if you work backstage at a concert, or at Best Buy, or, I don’t know, I guess maybe at NASA.
But how did it make the jump from a cord worn around your neck on which you clip your identification or security clearance to an oversized nylon strap dangling outside your pants with your keys attached? How exactly is this more convenient than a regular key ring?
So, inspired by NASA and the smart people there, I approached it scientifically, and I drew up a chart to help me figure it all out.
Well, that was a big bust – I still don’t get it and I’ve wasted nine hours on this – time I could have spent learning how to gap my spark plugs.
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A Parent’s Dilemma!
SO the other day I was in danger of running out of gin and Tinactin so I had to run to the grocery store and stock up. And also pick up dinner for the kids – they’re always eating. I was going to get something healthy, like a frozen pizza, but once again, I was outvoted. Kids! What can you do, right?
So we went with the Little Debbie Zebra Cakes. (Fifth Sunday in a row – you’d think they’d be getting sick of them by now.)
Anyway, as we were leaving – and you’ll get a kick out of this part: some things never change – little Savannah spied the gumball machines (Remember those things?) and ran up to them shrieking as she does, using that high-pitched screech that she knows just goes through me! Dammit, Savannah!
And of course, you know what’s next:
“Daddy! Daddy! Can I have fifty cents for a tramp stamp? Pleeeeeease! Daddy, I want a tramp stamp! Pleeeeease?! It’s only fifty cents! Pleeeeeeeease, Daddy!”
Well, like you would be, I was disgusted. The girl is seven years old!
“What do I look like, an ATM? Use your babysitting money!”
Hey, at least she didn’t go for one of the things on either side, because we’ve taught her that Disney’s an evil corporation.
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To Ted It May Concern! August 6 Edition!
YOU’D think putting together one of my always delightful letters-from-our-listeners posts is one of the easiest things there is! You’d think that, but you’d be wrong.
First, I have to contact the mailroom, and order one of the surly interns there to send up three or four mailbags of the better letters. Next I assign a few of my segment producers to start getting the number down to a manageable two or three hundred. Then my assistant goes through those and gets me the best fifty or sixty. Finally, I personally whittle those down to the cream of the crop, the very best letters that– Yeah yeah yeah, okay, let’s just get this thing started.
• A pal named Hank writes:
And here’s the sign!
While unfortunately I do not have a time machine any more, Hank was right to refer to his What Would Ted Do? bracelet to give him guidance on this issue. To clarify, he came across this sign and sent me the picture on July 25 – a full four days before the July 29 date at the top of this notice! Believe It or Not!
So what’s the deal? Does someone in maintenance have premonitions about broken elevators? Did Steve or Debbie anticipate it would break? I know I speak for all of us when I say we also enjoy how it was originally taped over the button panel itself, as evidenced by the round outline around the first three letters of “elevator” where someone, hopefully not alone, in possession of a cell phone, and in absolute need, took their chances and pressed the button.
Look, the bottom line is any one of you good readers could probably do five minutes of solid material on open mic night about this thing; in this one particular instance I don’t need to make the witty comments! It’s just a great sign is all.
• A pal likely from right here in Southern California writes:
And following that was a link. And there it is! He is of course referring to my recent post about this lovely house.
See, this is where you people argue “Ted, for God’s sake, if you enabled the comments, he could have put it right below the original post and we wouldn’t have to click all over creation to follow this lunacy! Or if you just posted the damn photos from the real estate website that would at least cut down on the number of links we’re all obligated to click! We’re busy people, Ted! We don’t have time for this nonsense!”
Oh, settle down, you have plenty of time for this nonsense. Plus I have a feeling if I actually included the photos of a house for sale on here within the context of the original post I’d be dealing with lawsuits from owners of both houses, and maybe a class action lawsuit on behalf of anyone anywhere who has similar brickwork accents on their homes. Which would be a shame because now after all this, my attorney tells me that I find the brick thing absolutely charming – a wonderful little touch, really – and by Godfrey, he’s right!
• A pal named Bob writes:
Well, as it turns out he doesn’t write anything for the ol’ mailbag, but over on his blog, he did write this very funny piece on proposed spinoffs for The Office that is just perfect. These aren’t just descriptions of the shows, mind you, he created the title cards, too. I’m jealous I didn’t write it. My favorite, and now yours, is “Hail to the Chief.”
•
A pal namedSome anonymous jackass with the mysterious and impossible to trace email address TedParsnipsWebDesignProjectMgr@tedparsnips.com writes:
By the way, he’s referencing this photo…
…from my recent delightful “Back to School” post.
First of all, when I find out who you are, I will kill you. Secondly, as much as I’m sure we all enjoyed you publicly embarrassing me with your little joke that I wear cheap, ill-fitting jeans that come with a free belt, we all know I haven’t worn any kind of pants that don’t have an elastic waist band for years now. And if I can’t find something with an elastic waist band, I just don’t bother wearing pants at all. Third of all, okay, yes, it was a belt. Where the hell was I going to find a real book strap?!
• A pal named Dan writes:
And he enclosed this photo in the envelope:
Like I said twice in the original post, I didn’t buy any of the 3-C cranberry sauce. And obviously, with Thanksgiving just around the corner, it’s a regret I live with every day. Thanks for rubbing it in, Dan. Thanks for rubbing it in.
As to the Jo-Ann’s Thanksgiving items (as well as any other Thanksgiving items in any store), let’s just drop all pretense here: Who in hell is buying this stuff now?! It should be noted that Dan further mentioned he’s saving up for the Christmas sale starting September 1st – ha! Like the stores will wait another 25 days to start rolling out the yuletide merch (industry term).
• Our last letter’s from our man in London – Clive, we’ll call him – no, Nigel! Let’s call him Nigel! – our man in London, Nigel, covering the XXX Olympiad of the 2012 Summer Olympic…Games. The Olympics! He’s covering the damn Olympics! Anyway, he filed this report!
What in God’s name was all that?! Great, apparently I’ve hired some unholy hybrid of Michael Caine, Penfold from “Dangermouse,” John Lennon and character actor Terry-Thomas.
Oh, anyway, there were a couple of pictu– eh, “photos” attached.
By Godfrey, he was right!
It’s uncanny is what it is! It’s those crazy Swirly Design Things that I went on and on and on about some time ago! Like a bloody git, whatever that is! They’re all over those two nice girls’ bathing suits! Who knew that in addition to business cards, VistaPrint apparently offers free Olympic competition swimsuits.
And since they’re an American company, doesn’t that make up for the American athletes’ uniforms being made in China?
Anyway, that’s it for now! I want to sincerely thank each and every one of you for writing in – and to show you my appreciation for writing in, I have thanked you in the first part of this sentence.
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It’s August 1st Already!
THANK GOODNESS that I visited Big Lots the other day – otherwise I wouldn’t have realized it’s high time we start getting ready for Thanksgiving!
Aww, won’t Allison be disappointed! She was going to have all her little friends over on Saturday for a pool party. It’s going to break her heart when she comes home from day camp this afternoon to find I’ve put the cover on the pool and closed it up for the season. Ooh, that reminds me, I’ll have to move the gas grill back into the shed, too. Seems I hardly got to use it this past summer. I guess we none of us realized how far along we are in the year!
Anyway, maybe I’ll head over to Dollar Tree and check out their Thanksgiving section…
…and perhaps pick up some holiday-themed craft items for the girls to work with. Inside, where it’s warm. Since they obviously won’t be able to go swimming! Not with Thanksgiving just around the corner!
There. Boom. Done. Little girls love stickers.
Don’t you hate how all this holiday stuff just creeps up on you every year?! Thank Christ for places like Dollar Tree and Big Lots – otherwise we’d have forgotten all about Thanksgiving until it was too late!
I’ll have to remind Jean to get a turkey at the supermarket – I just hope there’s time to defrost it before the big day. Oh, and the in-laws had better be going to her goddamn brother’s place this year. Three years in a row at our house is enough!
And what else…? Ah, the DVR! I need to set it to record the parade! Like you, I sure hope they bring back the Bullwinkle balloon this year!
The good one, in the old-fashioned bathing suit!
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When Opportunity’s A-Rockin’…
IT’S FUNNY how things work out sometimes. I was leaving the gym the other day and I came across this in the parking lot.
And as it turns out, I’d been thinking about changing my wireless service provider, and I’d also been looking for a new business opportunity to invest in.
Now if this guy sells Bomb Pops, too, I’ll be killing three birds with one stone.
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The Agony of De-Arm!
AS MOST patriotic Americans know, today the Olympics begin, and I for one couldn’t be more excited!
My God, just think about all that hot, sweaty flesh…!
But enough about me in only a pair of dingy, threadbare briefs, stuck to my leather recliner, eating one microwave chimichanga after another while watching TV during one of our nation’s hottest summers on record!
What you’re here for is one of my most popular features – The Overpriced Goodwill Item of the Week!
This week’s item (heh – “week” – as though I post one of these with the regularity that this feature’s title implies!) will set you back $3.99 – as you can see here in this closeup of the price tag:
“Why, $3.99 isn’t a terrible price for anything – especially an imported curio from mysterious and exotic Korea,” you say, having noticed the gold sticker on the bottom of this item – whatever it is!
Oh no? You’ll pay $3.99 for this, will you?!
“Again,” you insist, “$3.99 seems perfectly reasonable for a ceramic figurine of belovedly forgotten Sam the Olympic Eagle – the visually uninteresting Disneyfied mascot of the 1984 Summer Olympics held in the filthy toilet that is Los Angeles.”
Oh, I’d tend to agree with you, probably, until the figure was turned around, that is – and we all saw this!
Gasp! His right arm-wing has been snapped off! Broken! Gone! Shattered and destroyed like the Olympic dreams of a Greek athlete found guilty of tweeting pictures of herself marrying gay West Nile Virus-carrying illegal immigrant mosquitos to each other at Chick-Fil-A, if my grasp of this week’s headlines is accurate.
A missing appendage – the glaring imperfection that will render an already practically worthless collectible ceramic figure even more practically worthless in the practically worthless collectible ceramic figure collector’s market! The judges aren’t going to like that!
But you want to pay four bucks for this thing, there, Mr. (or Ms.) Moneybags, be my guest. Be my guest!
“Oh, for God’s sake you jackass, give Goodwill a break!” you argue. “Clearly the dirty, poorly-behaved, unsupervised child of some annoying and pushy customer broke this after it was priced.”
No! No! You do not insult the dirty, poorly-behaved, unsupervised children of annoying and pushy customers from my local Goodwills. Not on my watch, pal! You do not do that!
No, as a matter of fact, I happened to be there when this little beauty was brought out of the back on a cart laden with all kinds of overpriced secondhand crap and put on a shelf on the sales floor (industry term). Troublemaker that I am, I even made a point to tell the woman who was putting out the merchandise “This thing’s broken” and show it to her.
Her response? A shrug and then, as she walked away, “Someone will want it.”
Give that Goodwill employee a gold medal!
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Delightfully Anachronistic Package Design: Summer 2012 Edition!
IF THERE’S SOMETHING that we all can agree on in these troubled economic times, it’s that everyone enjoys delightfully anachronistic package design – and rightfully so.
And by “delightfully anachronistic package design,” I mean packages – usually of food, and often bought at a local dollar store – that have the look of something that was designed decades ago and never updated. I find this phenomenon absolutely delightful and now…? Now, friend, so do you. Like watermelon-flavored Visine, it’s a treat for the eyes. Oh ho ho, watermelon-flavored Visine! Where do I come up with this stuff?
So, uh, here’s a bunch of things I found that look old.
3-C Jellied Cranberry Sauce That Looks Like It’s From, Oh, Let’s Say the Mid-1960s
I found these in a wonderfully ratty dollar store in Carson, California months ago. But I’ve been saving the photo for a special occasion. Tonight’s the night, baby! Tonight’s the night!I didn’t buy them, I just took a picture (because it’ll last longer). What does the name “3-C” signify? Look, I just told you I didn’t buy it, so I have no goddamn idea! Let’s say it stands for priCe, Cwality, and, eh, Cranberries. I’m sure it’s a fine product.
Jiffy White Cake Mix Looks Like It’s From the 1930s
Yes, I’ve covered Jiffy mixes in depth previously. All of their packages have a distinct anachronistic look to them. But this is the first time I saw the white cake mix before. White cake mix? That’s racist! And delicious!
Libby’s Chunk and Sliced Pineapple Looks Like They’re From the Mid 1960s
Now here’s a tough one. I found these at my local Dollar Tree and the package design is very new – I forget what Libby’s canned fruits used to look like, but one thing’s for sure, brother, they didn’t look like this! These have a very 60s kind of style to them, but by Godfrey, if I find out this is an intentional attempt at a “retro” look, then they’ll be immediately disqualified and not allowed to compete. I’d like to think, and now you do, that this is just a label redesign that somehow looks old to me (and now you). Dare I include it here? As it turns out, I already have.
Lady Linda Pound Cake Looks Like It’s From the 1970s
Ha! A so-called pound cake – that weighs ten ounces! (Settle down, settle down – I’ve already got my attorney on top of this.) Anyway, the lovely Lady Linda logo looks like something from about forty years ago, doesn’t it? …Kind of? Look, they can’t all have the striking visual anachronicity (a word I’ve apparently just coined and will soon trademark) of Jiffy cake mixes.
Lava Heavy-Duty Hand Cleaner Looks Like It’s From the Late 1960s
Aside from the addition of the WD-40 logo to the bottom and a few minor changes to the text (the omission of the exclamation point after “PUMICE-POWERED,” changing “THE HAND SOAP” to the current “HEAVY-DUTY HAND CLEANER with moisturizers,” among them) Lava’s wrapper is practically unchanged since 1960s, which is particularly amazing and wonderful. It’s such a great design it’d be a shame to change it. Lava soap has always been a small, specialty brand, and I bet if it had been owned by some huge Big Soap corporation, we’d be looking at swirly design things all over the package. Either that or photo-realistic globs of glowing, shimmering lava with highlights galore.Say, look – it still pretty much matches its corresponding 70s Wacky Package:
By the way, like you, I love Wacky Packages, used to collect Wacky Packages, and permanently stuck Wacky Packages to the closet door in my bedroom. And I still say, this is the worst parody name in the entire Wacky Packiverse. “Lova”…? What the hell…?! Clearly Art Spiegelmaus and Bob Shtewart just wanted to knock off early the day they came up with this one. “Lava Soap…Hmm…Tough one…Bava, Cava, Dava, Fava, Gava…” “Lova Soap! These are eight year olds we’re writing for. Good enough! Now let’s hit Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch!”
Showboat Pork & Beans in Tomato Sauce Looks Like It’s From 1923
Here’s a secret the Bush’s Beans people – even the talking dog – don’t want you to know: They’re the company behind these value-priced Showboat Pork & Beans. Okay, maybe they don’t care if you know, since their name and website are listed on the back of the label. You’re probably asking aloud “Why does this jackass Ted think the can looks like it’s from 1923?” I’ll tell you why if you just shut up a minute: the typeface used for the words “Pork & Beans” is in fact the same used throughout a 1923 Sear & Roebuck catalog I found in Nana Parsnips catalog heap (in what used to be the shower). Add to that the “Showboat” name and logo, and, well sir, you’ve got a canna beans that looks like it’s 89 years old!
Breakstone’s TempTee Whipped Cream Cheese Looks Like It’s From 1982
We don’t normally have Breakstone products out here in the filthy toilet that is Los Angeles, but oddly, they do turn up occasionally in – where else? – the 99¢ Only Store. And when they have TempTee whipped cream cheese, brother, I snatch it up by the palletful! So you can consider this entry a mini-What’s Bueno at the 99¢ Only Store post too – this stuff is just that good. Anyway, the pseudo-handwritten product name, the bright pink color and the little yellow stripes all scream the early 1980s. But be warned – the name and color seem to imply that this is some sort of light version of cream cheese – this, my calorie-counting pal, is not the case. It’s just whipped, but has the same amount of fat as regular cream cheese. This is why I limit myself to just one tub for dessert, during “Wheel.”
Noh of Hawaii Vinha Dalhos Portuguese Fish Mix Looks Like It’s From the Late 1950s
Just as you would, when I saw this at Big Lots for just 80¢, I had to try it. And not because I was at all curious about the taste, either – it’s that amazing three-color design that we found so nifty – to use the very vernacular of the era that I think it kind of looks like it’s from. Anyway, I had Ildefonsa fry me up some fish with it and it came out, well, okay.The thing is, your best, tastiest fish today are your overfished fish – your European seabass, your snapper, and my favorite, your orange roughy. A good rule of thumb is the more endangered the species and the higher the price, the tastier the fish. So I got Ilde up at five one morning last week, gave her twenty bucks to pick me up a couple of good, thick, New York-cut orange roughy filets from the Santa Monica Fish Market and even gave her an extra buck to help with fares on the six buses she’d need to take to get there.
Maybe it was the deliciously overpowering taste of the fish sauce and the fact that Ildefonsa oddly decided to cut them into eight uniformly rectangular slices before serving them to me, but they just didn’t taste like orange roughy. But she insisted, in her angry broken Germ-glish, that it was orange roughy. As much as I personally dislike the woman and constantly threaten her with deportation (more to scare little Kayla when she doesn’t behave), “Fat Frau Blucher” as I call her (she doesn’t get it!) has a good heart. She tells me it was Mr. Whisker’s birthday and that was why I found this box in the garbage…
…along with all the breading she patiently scraped off. (Damn cat’s apparently allergic to gluten now.)
Well, we all had some fun, but the booze is wearing off so I think we’re done here for now. Also, it’s just now occurred to me that we usually celebrates the pets’ birthdays along with the kids’, all on one day, December 25, every other year. Huh.
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For The Love Of God, Someone Get Kevin Smith To Please Slow Down!
The man is clearly overworking himself!
Like here, for instance: He evidently didn’t even have time to change back into his street clothes after leaving choir practice at church before being forced to rush over to some studio or other to tape this promo for his show “Spoilers” on Hulu! The man is a national treasure and he’s terribly over-scheduled!
And here comes the hate mail.
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School Days, School Days! Dear Old Golden Rule Days!
WITH the Halloween season already upon us, can “Back to School” shopping be far behind?
Answer: No!
Of course, Back to School season has already started, this second to last week of July, at your neighborhood Walmart. Actually, it probably started a few weeks ago, probably before even school was out, but despite what you think of me, I don’t go in Walmart but every few months, so how the hell would I know for sure?
Also, don’t you judge me! I don’t make a point of giving you the ol’ stink-eye for the places you frequent! ::cough cough clothing-optional yarn store cough::
The thing about Walmart and their big Back to School push (retail term) is that – hate them as we’re morally obligated to – they do have some really cheap deals on a lot of stuff.
Take for instance these notebooks!
What would you pay for one? No, come on – what would you pay? One subject, 70 sheets. Go ahead – tell me.
Well, you’re a fool then! You’re a fool for paying as much as you just said, because at Walmart, they sell these babies for just seventeen cents American!
No, in this case I’m not a filthy liar! Look! Look!
But the thing is, even if you’re a stupid kid still in school (ha ha, loser!), what the hell are you going to use these for? Doesn’t matter – for seventeen cents each, you’re going to be buying – or making Mommy buy – like eight. But the pages aren’t perforated so what good are they? You hand in some assignment on pages torn out of one of these notebooks with those spiral-bound-torn frilly edges, you’re going to piss off Mrs. Butler. (Hi Mrs. Butler! Remember me? I have a blog now!)
Above: An example of A+ level writing marred by D+ quality spiral-bound notebook paper. Don’t make the mistake I did – I nearly had to repeat 10th grade because of this!
Trust me, pal, you’re better off just handing in nothing and taking a zero for the assigment. (Beg and plead at the end of the semester – Mrs. Butler’s a total pushover.)
Also, do kids even hand in assignments on paper any more? It’s not that I think everything is handed in via email, it’s just that I have such a low opinion of anyone significantly younger than me that I presume even if kids today (Kids today…!) are assigned anything on paper, they just don’t bother to do it. Come on, we’ve all seen “Blackboard Jungle!” It featured a young Jamie Farr!
But whether you’re a stupid kid or someone older who’s no longer legally allowed to attend or go within 500 feet of high school like myself, you see these for 17¢ and you buy a few and then you stick them in your desk drawer at home and when next Back to School season comes around, you buy more and add them to the wad, not realizing you already had a bunch.
Now these things:
How much would you pay? Wrong sir! Wrong!
As it turns out, you’d only pay fifty cents! Fifty cents American is all!
But again, I ask: Composition books? Has anyone since about, what, 1920 actually used these for their named purpose? The pages are in there permanently. They’re not perforated, brother! They’re not even individually spirally bound. They’re double-leaf pages so if you somehow manage, like an idiot, to tear out page 1-2 cleanly, page 199-200 is now loose, too. Great.
As we further dumb down primary and secondary education – especially here in Los Angeles! – is there really a need for composition books? Correct me if I’m wrong, but they’re for compositions! Who’s composing anything in grade school, junior high (oh, excuse me, “middle school” – ooh la la!) or high school that’s going to be hand-written across 200 pages?!
So why are they still selling these things in the 21st century? Why don’t they sell colonial-era hornbooks in bulk while they’re at it, too?
And ink wells and Buster Brown hats and book straps!Why doesn’t Walmart sell those things too? Especially book straps – that’d piss off about a thousand annoying sellers over there on Etsy, heh heh!
Yet you and I, we go to Walmart during their Back to School event (industry term), and we poke around and find stuff we think we can use because it’s so cheap! Two glue sticks for a quarter?! We’ll take eighty!
And then what happens? After a month and a half, we’ve only used one and the other seventy-nine are dried up and completely inedible.
Ted Parsnips
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