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This’ll Teach Me…
…to read the little blurb below the subtitle – as well as the name of the author, and the guy who wrote the introduction, and maybe flip through and check for pictures – before I snag a book off the “Free / Pay What You Like” cart inside the foyer at my local library.
Good thing I didn’t drop any money in that big plastic pretzel jar with the slot cut in the lid duct-taped to the cart, or I would have been really pissed off.
Still, I think Reverend Schuller knew exactly what he was doing when he came up with that title. Exactly what he was doing!
Well, it’s back to the T.J. Maxx circular for me.
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Nice Try, Wendy’s!
As you know, the vast Parsnips fortune was amassed by doing those little surveys on the back of sales slips.
Oh yes: a free entree at Panda Express with purchase of any 2-entree plate here, a free Whopper Junior when I buy a medium fries and drink at Burger King there – it all adds up!
Recently I was scouted, via register receipt, by the Wendy’s Corporation about joining their operation as a consultant. Ask anyone in the business world today – they’ll tell you consulting jobs are where it’s at. You’re not an actual employee with the company, so you don’t have to sit through the sexual harassment video tapes. But the billable hours, man!
Thankfully, this being the 20th century, the computer age, I didn’t have to fly all the way to their headquarters in Ohio for the interview. Today in 2011, this sort of thing is done right here online!
So I was working through the whole process when I got to this screen:
Well, as you know, I do have that little ad agency – J. Walter Parsnips – and we handle mostly local accounts, generally yard sales, focusing on the medium of cardboard tacked to telephone poles.
And, yes, I make it mandatory that once any foster child living under my roof reaches the age of 15, he or she has to get a part-time job at Jack in the Box down the street. (Family discount, baby!)
Did I tell Wendy’s this? No!
Because that bit about “sometimes we look for people who work in particular industries” is a blatant lie, and if I checked anything other than “None of the Above” I would have been shown the online door quicker than you can say “Baconator Deluxe Double Combo with a Diet Coke.”
No, friends, you always check “None of the Above” or you’re going to be locked out of the rest of the survey – or in this case, that cherry job with the Wendy’s organization.
Do I feel bad about not being completely honest with them? No – they lied to me first posing the question as they did.
So get this! This was the next screen:
Man, they just don’t give up! Do they want my goddamn opinions or not?!
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Tuck Into!
You know, there’s certain overused words and phrases that just annoy the hell out of me. So much that a pal and I, we compiled a list, but as the licensing rights to that list are tied up in litigation that has been compared to the various lawsuits preventing the 60s “Batman” TV series to be released on DVD, I’m unable to reproduce it here. (Meanwhile, both of our attorneys are getting richer.)
But I’ve another pal, and she’s annoyed by some other words and phrases, and the only one I can think of right now is “chops,” most often following not “pork” (which wouldn’t annoy anyone) but “acting.” It’s such a lazy way of writing. Show off one’s acting chops, display her acting chops, demonstrates his acting chops, etc., etc.! Dear God, stop it! Stop it you lazy writers! Right now, as I type this, there’s 217 matches in Google News for articles using the phrase “acting chops” each one more awful than the last.
In fact, I want you on board with this, too, and what better way than to list the first 9 examples from that first page of results from the aforementioned Google News search? (And this is just Google News, by the way! Can you imagine if I had just done it in regular Google? Christ!)
• Craig Price helps students find and hone their acting chops
• Forest Ridge Academy students show off their acting chops
• Looking like the aging Callas at first one wonders where are the acting chops that Daly has shown in the past
• Leo Howard shows off martial arts skills, acting chops, in Kickin’ It
• Justin Bieber Nabs 2011 Teen Choice Nod For His Acting Chops!
• By the year 2000 Renee Zellweger had proven her acting chops in both drama and comedy
• Jeff Gordon gets to show off his acting chops in “Road Trip to the Race Track” a new video campaign for his sponsor
• Liz had hoped to exercise her villainous acting chops on the updated version of Wonder Woman
• However, the British model showed off her acting chops and contributed to important phases of the Transformer’s plotSee? Now you’re as irritated about that as I am. Good. Good. And you’re right to be angry about that.
Now I need you on board for the latest stupid cliché:
“Tucks Into.”
God, how I hate it. Have you heard it? Instead of just eating something, they’re now “tucking into” it. These days, you don’t justeat a Hot Pocket, oh no, God forbid, no – you “tuck into” a Hot Pocket. (Or in some cases, a three-for-a-dollar Tina’s Burrito.) Is this the most idiotic thing you’ve heard? Yes!
Some examples to boil your blood:
• Michelle Obama tucks into fat cakes and French fries on trip to Botswana
• Danny Wallace tucks into breakfast
• Pull up a wharf-side table, or a sleek bar stool, and tuck into some classy bistro food on the waterfront
• Tuck into some blood pudding. [This example is doubly offensive.]
• The average British family lives in a semi-detached house, owns a silver Ford Focus and tucks into spaghetti bolognese once a week.
• Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Kim Richards tucks into French fries on bikini break in Hawaii
• Back off – this is my dinner! Praying mantis tucks into a lizard twice its size!
• Hannah tucks into fresh fruit at Orchard Grove Primary School in Blackburn South
• Olympic kayak champ Adam Van Koeverden tucks into a hearty breakfast after a long morning on the water in Toronto
• Shane D Gage Te Huia tucks into his toast at the Kawhia Primary School breakfast club
• Helen Wood tucks into a full Irish breakfastNow you might be saying, “Well, Ted, those examples all sound very British, and what do you have against the British? Why, just yesterday, you went after recently knighted graffiti artist Sir Banksy!”
Well, the internet has made the whole world so much smaller that your hackneyed little British phrases are starting to be embraced over here in the goddamn US of A, and we are not going to stand for it. It’s enough that Wikipedia insists on using the ridiculous British spelling for everything when we all know it’s loser Americans with too much time on their hands who are doing most of the writing and editing on that site.
And speaking of Wikipedia, I need to go change a few hundred “colours,” “neighbours,” “honours,” and “labours,” and by Christ, this time they better stay changed!
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Banksy Visits Woodland Hills!
Everyone’s favorite British graffiti artist Banksy has left dreary, merry olde, rain-soaked, proper-opper England and high-tailed it for tony Woodland Hills, the nicer part of the toilet that is the Valley, of the toilet that is Los Angeles. Of the toilet that is Southern California! I looove LA! We love it!
Where was I? British graffiti guy, Banksy, Woodland Hills – ah yes! Everyone’s favorite British graffiti artist Banksy has left merry olde England and high-tailed it for tony Woodland Hills where he’s left his mark – and, brother, I have proof! Irrequivutable proof!
Feast your peepers on this!
It’s on this…I don’t know what it is, some sort of electrical box. Or telephone switchbox, like with all the wires in it. I don’t know what they’re called. Anyway, it’s on one of those – and I saw another just like it on the opposite corner!
So that’s totally Banksy’s stuff, right? I think so. I knew you’d want a closeup so I took a closeup, too. Here:
Now I know some of you are going to say, “Oh, sure, Ted, to the untrained eye, it may look like Banksy’s work, but it’s not his. It’s not his work, I tell you.” Some of you are going to say that. So I took a super-closeup and got this:
How’s that for proof! It’s on one of the dog’s front legs, sure. You can’t really see it in the other photos, because it’s really small.
Anyway, there you go, Banksy fans!
As to what he’s trying to say with this piece, I think it’s obvious: Something about crass commercialism, and corporate England, or in this case corporate America, and the government, and probably the military, and maybe the media, too, right? Oh! Oh! And Mickey Mouse! And also to please be considerate and clean up after your dog. No one wants to step in a big pile of dog crap you just left on the sidewalk, am I right?
Thanks, Banksy!
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Two and a Half Men!
A couple of months back, you’ll remember that Charlie Sheen was, oh, in the news quite a bit. I was assigned a little piece on that whole ongoing train wreck.
Much like you, I’d never seen “Two and a Half Men,” so I had to start watching it, and fast. Fortunately, all the local stations in Los Angeles play nothing but episodes of the show twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. I needed only to set the DVR, and wait patiently for a few hours before I had caught the legal limit.
So I sat down and began watching the show. The verdict (and I know you’re dying to know, never having seen the show yourself): Viewers watching “Two and a Half Men” are bombarded with the television equivalent of that which caged monkeys are known to throw at those who watch them. (The difference being, of course, most people at the zoo try to avoid getting hit.)
Look, I gave it a chance. I sat through nearly three dozen episodes from half a dozen different points in the show’s run. I’m pretty sure I got a good cross-section of what the program is about.
I don’t think I’m a hypocrite to say I liked “Married…with Children” which is the closest thing I can think of to compare it to. Both are sitcoms built largely on crass one-liners focusing almost exclusively on obnoxious insults and sex with a laugh track cranked up way too high.
But somehow “Married…with Children” had – now don’t laugh! – heart. For all their bickering and put-downs, the Bundys stuck together and ultimately supported each other – sure, it usually took a common adversary to get them there, but then it was “Whoooa Bundy!” and look out. Then someone else was on the receiving end of all those one-liners. Uh-oh!
…And there’s “Two and a Half Men” – the sitcom where everyone simply hates each other. Charlie hates Alan. Jake hates his father. Alan’s ex-wife hates him. The harpy mother hates her two sons. The housekeeper hates them all. These are characters who loathe one another. Everyone has unbridled contempt for everyone else, including Charlie for all the women he bangs.
The comedy on “Two and a Half Men” is juvenile, but I can’t fault the show too much for that especially given the fact that “Married…with Children” wasn’t exactly known for its subtlety or sophistication either. But “Men’s” punchlines are much raunchier and almost all have to do specifically with Charlie Harper’s penis, testicles, or, most often, the semen they produce. Think I’m being over the top? From Season 5, Episode 4:
Charlie: We’re going slow.
Berta: Really?
Charlie: Yes, we’re getting to know each other as people before we jump into bed and get to know each other as, you know, animals.
Berta: Just do me a favor and make the first time at her place cause you’re gonna spring forth like a water-wiggle.That’s a little out of context, so let me explain the joke to you: If Charlie has intercourse with the woman they’re referring to there at his house after the dry spell he’s going through, it’s going to be up to the housekeeper to mop up all of his copious ejaculate the next morning. Someone give this cornerstone of the Tiffany Network’s Monday night lineup another round of Emmys!
And yet, “Two and a Half Men’s” worst offense? Not Chuck Lorre’s aptly named vanity cards, surprisingly. No, the most offensive aspect of the show was the idea to accompany every last goddamn scene change with the single sung word “…Men!” I can’t help but think that this was a decision that everyone from Les Moonves down to the guy who arranges the Snickers bars on the craft service table regretted halfway through the pilot episode and for some reason known only to them, they just felt it was too late to change it.
Anyway, the biggest laugh I’ve gotten from this show came today, when I read this online:
CBS entertainment president Nina Tassler…said “Men” will remain “smart, irreverent and risque.”
Oh, sure, if one word comes to mind when mentioning “Two and a Half Men” it’s “smart.”
There’s a scene in the Mike Judge film “Idiocracy” where 26th century moron Frito Pendejo (Dax Shepard) is laughing at a TV show titled “Ow! My Balls!”
Judge could have instead used clips from TV’s current number one sitcom and made just as strong a point.
“…Men!”
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Netflix!
So there I was, dicking around online on my Netflix account trying to decide what to add to my queueue next.
Netflix helps me make smart viewing choices by taking what I’ve recently watched and liked, and using that to help suggest other movies and TV shows I might also enjoy. For instance…
I enjoyed “Smokey and the Bandit” (as did we all), and so they suggest, of course, “Smokey and the Bandit II.” See?
Huh. I guess they didn’t. That’s odd. Well, sure, I like Bill Cosby. And he is kind of an iconic comedian like Jackie Gleason…so maybe that’s the connection. But it’s strange they’d recommend a DVD of standup after I liked a filmed comedy with a plot. I guess I thought they’d recommend one of the sequels to “Smokey and the Bandit,” or maybe “The Gumball Rally,” or “The Cannonball Run.” Or something with Gleason, Burt Reynolds or Sally Field in it. But I trust Netflix’s judgment.
Let’s try another one. Ah, “Clue.” No doubt recommended to me because I recently watched “Murder By Death” and loved it, just loved it.
What? Because I enjoyed “The Princess Bride?” Weird. Well, they are both comedies. Maybe they have some of the cast in common.
Next:
Not sure I get that one. “Terminator,” sure. But “Caddyshack?” What am I missing here?
Let’s try it again.
So, according to Netflix, “Lady and the Tramp” plus “The Rockford Files” equals “The Dick Van Dyke Show”…? I could almost buy this if it was just “Lady and the Tramp” because I always thought Rose Marie sounded a lot like Peggy Lee when she sang. But “The Rockford Files”?!
Onward.
Oh, okay, that makes a lot more sense. Netflix realizes, doesn’t it, that “Soap” is a soap opera spoof in sitcom form, while “Rockford” is just the best goddamn detective series that ever aired…? Just what kind of kooky algorithm is Netflix using to arrive at these suggestions?
Oh come on, Netflix! That’s George C. Scott up there, not John Denver!
Now wait a minute…! This is a documentary! Walken has nothing to do with it! He didn’t narrate it, he didn’t produce it, nothing! I looked it up!
How the hell…?! “The Endless Summer”? From “The Best of Chris Farley”?!
Okay. Okay, we’re done here.
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Off to Comic-Con!
You’ll forgive me for not posting more these last few days, but it’s been a busy week as I get ready for an even busier weekend, July 29, 30, 31, down south at – yes! – the San Diego Comic-Con!
I really didn’t think I was going to make it this year because like always, I dragged my feet so by the time I started making arrangements, all the hotels were booked. Or so it would seem!Then the other day, out of the blue, I got an email offer from a Groupon-like outfit (that I don’t even remember signing up for!) and for just $600, I scored $1,400 worth of Comic-Con fun:
• A three-day all-access pass to the Con.
• A freakin’ suite at the world famous Hotel del Coronello.
• An intimate champagne brunch followed by Turkish bath with Jack Kirby, Carl Barks, and Samm Schwartz.
• And a food voucher for two hot dogs, two pretzels, and two Cokes good at any concession in the convention center.Plus they’ve arranged for Norm Prescott to personally review my portfolio at the Filmation booth. Thank you KewlDealz4U!
If you see me there, be sure to say hello – I’ll be the fellow in the Hot Stuff the Tough Little Devil costume. (If you can call a diaper a “costume.”)
Now to finish shaving a few things, apply the red latex body paint, throw an old chenille bedspread over the front seat of the car and hop on the 5!
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Celery!
The problem? Celery is expensive. And it’s a complete pain in the ass. Once you’ve spent $1.89 easily, sure, for a bunch of celery, you’ve got to get it home, and I don’t need to tell you that you’re wiped out after all that shopping so the celery just goes right into the crisper where it’s easily forgotten.
But you can’t forget it, because if you don’t deal with your celery quickly, why, you’ve got yourself a bunch of limp celery and you’ve just pissed away $1.89. Unless you’re a pal of mine who – I swear to God above, this is true! – unless you’re a pal of mine who actually likes to eat limp celery. Isn’t that the most disgusting thing you’ve ever heard? I know! What the hell is wrong with her?
Okay, okay, we’ve all had a good laugh at her expense, but let’s knock it off now.
So you’ve got to pull that celery back out of the crisper before it goes limp. You’ve got less than two days, probably, and that clock is ticking, brother – it’s ticking! So get to work: pry each stick apart from the wad, wash off the germs of whoever harvested it (Hey, we all have germs, I’m not singling anyone out.), chop off the greenery at the top and the whitery at the base; and then measuring twice but cutting once, divide each piece into lengths short enough to fit in your celery receptacle – some sort of plastic tub with a lid. Now you fill that container with some water around the celery sticks, put the top on, and stick it in the fridge. Stop the clock! They won’t go limp now.
Your celery is now ready for whenever you need a quick, healthy snack. And when you want that quick, healthy snack, what you do, see, is you look in the fridge and make a point to ignore that plastic container of celery like you don’t see it, close the refrigerator door, and then opt for some cookies instead, because as long as you don’t have too many, well, they’re not that bad.
Eventually, your celery is pushed way to the back of the fridge, all but forgotten behind eight pounds of government cheese, and then one day, many weeks later, you’ll want a tuna fish sandwich. By the way, why do we put the qualifier “fish” at the end? Is there such a thing as “tuna pork”? Ooh, hold it Ted, you save that gem for a future post. Anyway, you want a little chopped celery in your tuna fish sandwich, in your tuna salad there, sure.
So you pull out that forgotten container of celery and this is what you see.
Warning: Graphic Images!
Well, graphic image, singular. And you can’t even see the slimy scum in the cloudy water. But believe me – it’s slimy, scummy, and cloudy.
What I’d like to know is why it’s perfectly legal for a homeless person to buy a loose cigarette at the local liquor store for, what is it, probably a quarter or fifty cents, but the grocery store refuses to sell me a single stick of celery for my damn tuna fish? I don’t need a whole bunch, a whole wad of celery, I just need one freaking stick. Let’s face it, I was never going to “snack” on celery anyway, not even if I opened that door to find Lenny Weinrib himself had come back to life, flown up from Santiago, Chile and was singing and dancing next to the milk and eggs. What kind of idiot snacks on celery? I just bought it because eventually I was at some point going to make tuna fish for lunch, and now that plan is completely shot to hell, isn’t it?
Well, I guess we’ll just have to go to KFC again today. Hey, on the way back, we’ll stop at Wendy’s for Frosties!
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A Yoghurt Treat!
Many of you have asked me just how I’m able to maintain my girlish figure especially considering that now the 99¢ Only store usually has tubs of off-brand cake frosting that’s good enough to eat right out of the jar with my finger. Others have been requesting a personal family recipe from me for that fund-raising cookbook you’re putting together for your local charity, women’s club, or other foundation that supports causes that I really shouldn’t have my name associated with, but I’ll just blame the whole thing on a made-up assistant if it ever becomes a problem.
…Well, I’ll tell you how. Oh, and also give you that recipe.
In a word: Yoghurt. You’ve probably heard of it. Perhaps you’ve even seen it for sale in one of those new “health-food” shops that are popping up everywhere. Or maybe you’ve visited Greece, where this unusual food hails from, and had it as a dressing (or “side”) on one of their national dishes, such as ceviche or sauerbraten.
Yoghurt, pronounced “yo-gurt,” is high in beneficial ingredients, while lacking many of the things that make other foods less nutritious. Without further adieu, here’s that recipe:
Ted Parsnips’ Samoa-Girl-Scout-Cookie-In-A-Cup
Ingredients:
1 cup (6 oz.) of Ralph’s Blended Grade A Low Fat Yoghurt, Pina Colada with Other Natural Flavors flavor
1 tbsp Kretschmer Honey Crunch Wheat Germ For U.S. Export OnlyDirections:
1. Preheat oven to 425º.
2. Sprinkle a spoonful of wheat germ on top of the yoghurt.
3. Eat the yoghurt. Holy crap, it tastes exactly like a Girl Scout™ brand Samoa® Cookie!
4. That wasn’t very filling, was it? Pop a frozen pizza in the oven.—contributed by Ted Parsnips
© 2011 Ted Parsnips. All Rights Reserved. May not be reproduced without permission.
See how easy I’ve made that for you? It’s absolutely free of charge, too. You can print that out and send that right to the cookbook publisher – what could be easier? Please contact me for permission first with your request on your organization’s letterhead including a brief history of your organization, proof of non-profit status and expected print run. Also, I would appreciate a case of 24 copies of the cookbook when it’s published.
Now a few things about this recipe, which as God as my witness, I created all by myself:
• First of all, that Kretschmer Wheat Germ? I bought that at the 99¢ Only store – here in these United States! – yet clearly printed on the label is “For US Export Only.” Someone at 99¢ Only or the Kretschmer Corporation or both will probably lose his or her job over this post, but what can you do?
• Secondly, it really tastes exactly like a Samoa! Seriously! The wheat germ becomes like the shredded coconut. I don’t know how it can taste exactly like a Samoa, since there’s no chocolate or caramel in my concoction, but I think the reason that it tastes exactly like a Samoa is because I haven’t had a Samoa for a long time and probably don’t remember exactly what they taste like.
• Third, and most importantly, how much do you want to bet that the notoriously litigious Girls Scouts of America will get their panties in a knot over me mentioning the name of one of their precious cookies? My promise to you: I’ll reproduce the cease-and-desist email or letter here whenever I get it.How’s our pizza coming along?
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RIP Amy Winehouse! Also Norway.
I’m an enormous presence on Twitter, what with me constantly tweeting hilarious one-liners, non sequitirs, various other bon mots and insightful observations about anything and everything; re-tweeting this, hash-tagging that, trading witty barbs with other wags, one-upping them, occasionally (but rarely!) being one-upped myself; following tens of thousands of people, and being followed by – no surprise here! – many thousands more. My God, you can’t keep me away. There’s not the tiniest bit of minutia, the most seemingly insignificant detail of my day-to-day life that I would consider too run-of-the-mill, too dull, too mundane to share with the world in 140 characters or less. Hell, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know, you surely being one of my aforementioned many followers.
Aside from the personal joy Twitter has afforded me and the ways it’s enriched my life, the site has indeed been a godsend for many other lazy writers as well, especially when they need to file a story, any story, but don’t really want to exert any effort in crafting something themselves. Witness the flurry of articles you’ll see in any given week where the writer – or, really, the compiler – has simply culled a bunch of Tweets on a common theme.
…Did you witness them? Well, you should.
Yesterday I saw no less than three such pieces – yes, right here on the internet! – on a single theme: Celebrities reacting to the death of Amy Winehouse. Now, that’s to be expected – she was famous, she was popular, she made a song sound much more 60s-like than Zooey Deschanel. And Twitter was practically invented for celebrities, so many of which need to be center of attention every waking moment, so given a chance to issue some over-the-top, dramatic, tearful message, the stars came out in droves.
So thank you, Kelly Osbourne, Kim Kardashian, Demi Moore, Ricky Martin, Soleil Moon Frye, Melissa Joan Hart, Ryan Seacrest, Usher, Adam Levine, LA band “Foster the People,” and those of you who I haven’t mentioned – for bravely sharing your feelings about what must have been difficult news to hear.
And yet…I’m still left wondering if perhaps – just perhaps! – Winehouse’s death wasn’t as much of a shock as news of the murder of 77 people in Norway, which none of the above had anything to say about. (To be fair, many of the other celebs in the articles did mention the much more significant tragedy.)
One who apparently is still unaware about Norway’s darkest day – but not about Satanists and the Monsanto Company’s genetically modified seeds – is former Roseanne sitcom star Roseanne. Judging by the number of tweets coming through her account an’ stuff, she’s got little to do all day but dick around with her smartphone an’ junk. She tweeted about Winehouse at least 18 times over a period of about 24 hours, each tweet a little batshit crazier than the last, and then finally ended her ongoing 140-character eulogy with this:
The inclusion of a hashtag advertising her new reality show? Brilliant and tasteful self-promotion! Good to know Roseanne’s as classy as she ever was.
And yet my favorite celebritweets were from a gal named Natasha Bedingfield who I only know of because she has a song they play at my gym all the time that doesn’t annoy me like Zooey’s. Anyway, she originally tweeted…
But let’s give credit where credit is due. She didn’t ignore the horrific events in Oslo: Sometime later, she followed that up with this heartfelt message…
Shouldn’t that have ended with the tag “#insincereafterthought”…?
Ted Parsnips
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