What You Need To Know About The Latest Trend In Lazy Headline Writing

Culled from a Google News Search during one 24-hour period. And these are not even a tenth of them!

Keep it short, I’m reading this on my iPhone on the freeway.

There’s no such thing as “too many” possums.

(The author fell down before he managed to type “Know.”)

He’s frickin’ had it with you people trying to sneak through the express lane with 18 items!

No no no! I don’t need to know anything! I just this weekend started watching it on Netflix!

They discontinued the one shaped like Fred’s car when they introduced the Betty one.

Nothing, since you live in America.  Oh, you’re a Slate reader. Well, that explains it.

Chocodiles are addictive, I’ll admit, but I wouldn’t call them “the new drug.”  Oh – Krokodil.  My mistake.

Which boof can I score some Krokodil at?

You didn’t win.

Now I don’t mean to suggest that every article featuring the words “What You Need To Know” in the headline is completely frivolous, presumptuously imparts artificial importance and implies personal value to a piece full of trivial nonsense. There are some things out there that, yes, you need to know! It’s just a matter of recognizing the difference between articles that offer information you might actually benefit from reading versus those you wouldn’t.

For instance!

Helpful after a catastrophe or other unfortunate situation:

Impossible to imagine a set of circumstances where this would ever be of any use whatsoever:

A valuable resource, I  presume:

This one you can safely skip:

(Unless it tells you whether the Android user you’re dating has Hepatitis A.)

The article here…? Could be important; may keep you safe and out of the danger zone:

However, this one…  –Actually, you know, this one could suggest similar precautions to avoid tragedy:

And while this one may not seem important…

…maybe if you’d read it, you wouldn’t be considering this now:

Okay, I don’t know what that means, either, but there was some kind of joke there, right? There was something there!  Right?

…Yes, yes, yes, maybe I should read this one.

Posted by Ted on October 1, 2013, 11:28 PM.