¿What’s Bueno on The Fourth of July? Hot Dogs, What Else!

LIKE MANY OF YOU, I blew off seven fingers lighting illegal fireworks last Fourth of July and until they grow back I can no longer wield a barbecue fork effectively, so for the time being, anyway, my grilling days are over. You don’t want to know how I can still type. Trust me.

Still, on Independence Day, or as it’s known in my neighborhood “¡Día de Independencia!” if you’re a proud, red-blooded American citizen (or, in my neighborhood, otherwise), by Godfrey, you want a delicious hot dog! It’s your goddamn God-given right as an American citizen! Or otherwise!

But don’t worry! No need to contact the ACLU! You’ll get your hot dog, because, friend…? The 99¢ Only Store has got you covered!

Look! Look!

Did I say “you’ll get your hotdog”? I misspoke! You’ll get your hot dogs, plural! Two! For 99¢! Only!

What’s even more amazing is a pal was recently grousing to me over the presumed unavailability of pre-bunned hot dogs! Grouse no more, pal! Grouse no more! Your prayers have been answered! The future is here and it’s in the freezer section of your local 99¢ Only Store!

And here’s something else: No grilling required! So you can save all those matches and lighter fluid to ignite this year’s batch of Hens-Laying-Eggs! Don’t worry, they’re the free-range, cage-free variety of fireworks you can feel good about setting off.

No, instead of toiling outside (yeesh!) over a hot grill forever, you’ll be heating up your pre-bunned hot dogs right there in the microwave – for only about a lousy minute maybe. And then quicker than you can say, or see, “Oh say can you see!” they’re done!

And boy don’t they look good! Come in their own handy hot dog boat, too – saving you the time, trouble and expense of putting them on a plate! And for what? If you’re like me, and you are, you’re just going to eat them over the sink anyway.

Meanwhile poor Johnny Grillmaster next door is still slaving over his brand new Char-Broil Tru-Infrared 5-Burner Gourmet Edition T-47D and trying to make the best of a bad situation by “enjoying” a beer while “chatting” with the rest of the neighbors he’s invited over – the ones that aren’t in the pool, that is. Assholes.

Now, while my hot dogs look fine straight outta the ol’ Radarange, sure, I’m a fellow who likes his fixins – and plenty of them!  Bring on the fixins!

Mmmmmmmm-mmm! as the late Andy Griffin would say! Good hot dog, good hot dog!

…Okay, that’s the second time they’ve played “Margaritaville” in three hours. I’m calling the goddamn police.

Posted by Ted on July 4, 2012, 5:24 AM.